Eeerrrr!

What do you do when you just aren't getting it right?

Well, if you read the last blog you will know this day already started rough.

Sunrise was beautiful.
My daughter made me laugh when we were heading to school - she said "I think I may get whip lash from my mood swings!" When I started to laugh, so did she, followed with, "I'm serious mom!".
I surprised myself with energy this morning with the students.
I laughed again while we were sitting up for supper, I was engaged in a discussion with my eldest and husband when we heard a loud pop and my son's face was priceless - I still don't really know what he did with his straw - but his drink went everywhere. His first reaction was fear of getting into trouble ... but my laugh sent him running for a cloth instead.

I feel like I've had a couple hard 'blows' the last few days. Maybe I am too proud. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe its not my issue at all. But regardless, it still hurts and I continue to struggle. I feel I have become callous and numb over the years. There are times I feel the need to leave or shutdown. Pain or not, I long to get back to my tender, forgiving, passive self. This anger, aggression and spiteful feeling scares me.
I am being very transparent right now and hope I don't come to regret it.

I am being open because, as an emotional eater, logging how my days are going may help in some preventive/manage planning.
In all honesty, my 'mistakes' today didn't really have much to do with relationships. #1 reason was spelt T.I.R.E.D. Its not a great reason, and some may call it an excuse, but when I'm tired my will power and self control seem to be very brittle. (#2 reason was guilt over eating at all as there was a call to fast on behalf of a church member battling cancer. I HAVE prayed for him and his family, but was too fearful to try to fast.)

TODAY:
As said in earlier post - 1 banana with peanut butter and 2 coffee

1 banana, 1 apple, 2 Nature Valley granola bars, and lots of coffee (I think 3 - but my mug at work is BIG) OH! And I had a couple jujubes.

a spoon full of peanut butter and ED Smith jam
1/2 chocolate bar (split with son)

half a plate of beans, peas and corn, 5 mini chicken wings/drumsticks
diet 7Up

Treadmill - 20 minutes (will do when I am done here - will shoot for 30, but don't want to write that quite yet) -did 30 minutes ... but just as I was about to go on treadmill, and I don't know why - but I ate a chocolate bar while on the phone!! I am SOOO mad at myself right now! (Gotta send the kids out to sell the rest of these and get them out of the house! I can't afford their cost - to my body nor my cheque book!)

Walked Tucker

bonus* Gym class (walk/jog/run/skip and carry kindergarten girl half the way)

So actively I have done (and will do) OK. Food wise, I really need to get a handle on it. The LEAN FOR LIFE program I used through my Quixtar/Amway business is an excellent program and very healthy ... Perhaps I need to write out a more specific menu and try that for a day or two. (Only, a lot of the 'protein' foods I used with that program I shouldn't have any more due to allergy...)...

A song that came on while I was stretching after the treadmill! :)
...Lord I come to You. Let my heart be changed, renewed, flowing from the grace that I found in You. And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me will be stripped away by the power of Your love.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me! Bring me near, draw me to Your side!
And as I wait, I'll rise up like the eagle, and I will soar with You, Your Spirit leads me on, by the power of Your Love!