I met and dated my husband in 1992, I was 18 years old. He was my first boyfriend and first kiss. We were engaged when I was 19 and married when I was 20, he was 26. We had three children together, life wasn't perfect, we all have issues, but my life was good. In 2002 a lot happened, his mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away Feb.14 2003; his dad was diagnosed with cancer also, but fought it and is still clear today; my dad started to have serious heart trouble which he still monitors; and one of our daughters was diagnosed as type 1 diabetic.
We bought our first home in the fall of 2003, I quit homeschooling and taught in a school from 2006-2011 teaching kindergarten and aiding grade 1-3. My husband started his own welding business in June of 2006 also.
My sister was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer in fall of 2007,
( still battling cancer naturally, homeschooling and running a farm - but now has lost 2/3 functioning of her left lung and we are waiting results Jan.7, 2013)
My husband was out of work for the better part of 2008,
We had some significant events concerning our children in 2009,
In 2010 my eldest was asked to leave the school Sept.16,
I resigned to homeschool my three children Oct.15,
My husband tore both quad tendons off his patelas while going off of a diving board Nov. 15
and was home for 8 weeks with two full casts (plus time in braces and physio well into 2011!),
May 15, 2011 we lost our home in the Slave Lake fire,
Jan/Feb, 2012 kids started new school and I a new job working with disabled individuals in the community.
And April 27 my husband was killed, passing away about an hour before his 44th birthday.
Now I am sitting at home. Not myself at all, fumbling numbly through each day, flustered that just the task of providing decent meals in decent time a task that seems impossible - never mind all the other important tasks - building a house, dealing with a spouses death and all the business that involves, trying to be here for three hurting and angry teens, holding down my job, and trying to keep things running at home.
When I speak about it, I feel foolish for struggling, it all seems so easy and so minimal - especially when compared to what other's struggle with!
I haven't attended church regular, I have struggled to get into the Word and seem to have forgotten how to journal. I don't spend time with friends - if I do 'have time' I'm too 'tired' to be of any kind of company... and if I am, I should spend it with my children!
One is rebellious, says no to me when I ask anything of 'him', doesn't help out, and then makes me feel awful if I say no to any of 'his' requests. Another seems fine most days, but 'he' tends to bottle things up, and those things have proven in the past to turn into some horrible and unidentified thing when it does arise again, so I am concerned. Particularily when 'he' does try to talk to me I struggle to understand as 'he' seems to have very little logic as I know it. And the third was suicidal and cutting before the passing of 'his' father, and although we've made some progress, have gone through me being the enemy and written out of memories, while my husband has become the hero - that part I was prepared for and would have readily built had my heart not been so utterly torn and trampled on.
Then throw in my own issues, for I have some to be sure!
Makes for a very bumpy transition into a very new dynamic setting at home.
But here we are. And God has been good. And there have been many things to embrace and be thankful for, to be sure!
And I see 2013 before me,
and just one year before my own 40th year,
and a brand new home that we will move into,
and three children that my time left with - is so very short.
Journalling is tough as my hand writes slow and I tend to go on gopher trails,
facebooking my coming journey will grow tiresome on family and friends,
and yet I find it a release, and a clarifing, for my soul to 'write' ...
... so I came back to my old blogging spot.
Taking stock, I have many supportive family and friends,
I do have three children that I do believe love me,
I have multiple helpful books and 'tools' to turn to,
and most importantly, my Creator who has proven Himself ever so faithful over and over in my life.
Yet a fear of failure is looming up before me.
I want to set out goals, certain sure things I wish to implement, visions in my heart for our future,
yet I've failed at goals, I've failed at consistency, and when I've begun to try to share my vision with my loved ones it's met with disgust and resistance.
Yet THIS is my time, this time will never come again.
So I ponder things in my heart, and will turn to sleep now, and will hope to come again.
For a year from now I hope to be in a new place in every sphere of my life.
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