Unexpected!

Today I got out of bed, had a day, and haven't really woken up yet ...

When I came home to let the dog(s) out I REALLY wanted chocolate (hormonal, very tired, habit...). I walked into the bedroom, thought of my husband and my commitment for him the next three days, and walked back out.

My man ....
I was very frustrated a couple years ago with myself. I went to God and told Him that I felt like a black hole. Regardless of how many days my husband loved on me - through all kinds of moods - on the first bad day HE had I was right annoyed and short. When I asked God about it He impressed on me that my love for HIM was the same way! And that until I could love myself (I HATE that cliche!), believe both God and Roger love me, I was very much a black hole. Since that time, God has used Roger multiple times to demonstrate His love to me.
("I Need You to Love Me" by Barlow Girls - fits for me with both God and Roger!)

My husband has never been one to buy flowers or anything like that - in fact, after one of his quading trips he came in the door all grins and said something like, "You know how I never buy you flowers?" I said yes. He pulled out a saskatoon sprout and said something like, "Well, here are flowers for a lifetime - AND fruit!" I, of course, had to reply something like "That's my man!" (It still grows by my living room window :) )
Well, Valentines has never been a big deal either, especially since his mom died on Valentine's. So it was no surprise that Valentine's morning he left to get a bobcat to clear our driveway. I sat in the living room, not even dressed yet, crying out to God. I felt like such a failure as a wife, but felt too empty with nothing to give. I also was feeling estranged from God. I was just asking for His reassurance and help when the door bell rang. I immediately wondered who in the world it was and why in the world I hadn't combed my hair yet! I went to the door and Roger was standing there with a dozen beautiful roses with all the trimmings AND a Timmy's coffee (up to that point he REFUSED - hated Timmy's!). Needless to say, I bawled. I felt like God Himself was standing there. Poor Roger wasn't sure how to react to my tears and hugs!

Goal with my man 2) To be fit enough to go riding in the mountains! (Then maybe I can get a picture of HIM!)

TODAY:
1/2 cup oats, 1/4 apple, B sugar

1 coffee at home, 1 at work
1 3/4 small apples

jujubes at school
ribs, potatoes, peas and corn

TREADMILL - no
Walk Tucker - no ... The unexpected happened this evening and needed my immediate attention. Good reason, out of respect, that is all I can say.

My man...

At 7:30 this morning I was listening to tunage and my eldest as we headed to the city. I was taking in the beautiful red and blue sunrise and as we came over the crest of one of my favorite hills the sun peeked out and was this huge pink ball just sitting on the horizon of a beautiful view. I soaked it all in.

I saw my mom - today is her birthday - all I had for her was a letter. A letter from my heart - but still not even close to what I would have liked to have had for her.

All a person does is sit when driving - yet it really tires me out. Last night I was up late with Roger, Christine was low, and then Tucker wasn't settling - about an hour and a half later I finally started to go back to sleep. Then Dylan was up, and my alarm went off at 5:30am ... so much for getting more sleep so far this week!

I was doing really well today, till about 5 minutes ago - which is one reason I rushed down here to type. I'll tell you about today in a minute, but a couple other little notes.

When I changed the days I have left last night I felt motivated. I am looking forward to doing it again tonight.

Music has always been a powerful tool in my life, and I got to listen to my eldest's touch ipod for the full 6 hours driving! Some of the songs got me thinking a lot about my husband ... I think I am going to dedicate the rest of this week to him.

So little tidbits about my man ...
The one thing that bothers me about my husband is his quick temper and tongue. It can come across as uncaring, rude, unreasonable, condescending,etc. So when I was standing there when he found TWO pairs of our eldest's socks on his hat shelf (thanks to trampoline runs)I braced myself and quickly commented about her gift of socks ... One of the many things I love about him burst forth - he does imitations VERY well (practices enough!) - so he started the whole "Dobby gave master socks! FOUR socks! Dobby gave master clothing! Daddy's free!!" (yes, its not quite accurate - but he did it so well, none of us really cared! and I don't know how to spell 'Dobby') Guess what her nickname is now - and no, she's not the master! To add to the humor (which the kids have had to develop out of necessity!lol), she is quite sensitive about her height - and for those of you who are not familiar with this movie - Dobby is VERY short. Anyway, this is one way he has carried on laughter in our home - and yes my eldest laughs alot too!









Goal with my man 1) Be able to enjoy kneeboarding and swimming with him again.

TODAY:
Tim Horton's coffee (LG)(yes, with the cream)

Smitty's Chicken stir fry - was actually very good - had some sauce on side - didn't really eat it ... plus a couple coffee's

water on trip

orange when I got home

Made roast, gravy etc. for family. I made myself some chicken in olive oil and cajun spice. I had some potatoes and carrots from our garden and some beans.
But then for some unknown reason to me I had an oreo cookie while giving the kids a couple for their dessert. ... Then I opened a box of mint chocolates and ate the third square while I began this! But I am putting the box away!

Walked Tucker - and pushed it harder and farther
TREADMILL - 30 minutes

PS - Guess what started today! Thankfully I had a quarter!

Last day of blah and boring! (I hope!)

I've got nothin' ... did complete opposite of my friends inspiration to only have BENEFICIAL beverages ... bet she's feeling better then I!

Tomorrow I take my eldest for an orthodontic appointment, and look forward to seeing my mom on her birthday.

TODAY:
coffee and chocolate
+1 orange + chicken nuggets
= headachey, dehydrated and yucky...

Monday = kindergarten day, recess supervision and my week to run home during 1/2 hour lunch break to let dogs out.
Walked Tucker extra long
talked with husband instead of going on treadmill
went to parent meeting

What do you do to inspire yourself? ... Especially when you seemt o be running to catch your own tail!?

I am sincerely sorry and apologize for general blah of the recent posts! I will play 'hide and seek' with Jesus today and hope to find something interesting for todays (Tuesday's) blog!

All a Jumble

Yep! All is a jumble.

I have tried to write something a couple times, but think it best I leave it with the facts today...
Ok, so I've changed my mind.
I should have reordered my hormone cream because I'm starting to 'feel' it.
I need to drink more water, hug my kids and laugh more.
I need some quiet time with God - when I don't have to be watching the clock too.
I need to learn about love again. ... hence the timelyness of my aunts blog "letters of hope" - refer to bottom of page if you are interested...

Worship was good this morning. The leader is gifted and he brought our attention to the Tabernacle symbolism as we 'entered in' - which excited my spirit - which was very refreshing! I wish to share it all here - but that would get lengthy - lets just say God doesn't waste His time, EVERY detail means something! AND, I long to be in His Presence. I 'sense' it occasionally, and I know His Spirit is always with me ... but its been awhile since I was wholly in His presence.

I am having very unhealthy and negative thoughts and feelings ... I hope by drawing close to my Maker, that I will sort out this battle raging within me, for through Him all things are possible!

TODAY:
1/2cup oats, 1 apple, Bsugar 2 coffee

1 coffee, chicken noodle soup broth, a couple little pieces of chocolate that my man gave me

2 chocolate bars, oreo cookie and a couple Ritz crackers, and a piece of gum

2 Chicken drumsticks and a tiny bit of potatoes

TREADMILL - no
Biked with Tucker

- church, clean fish tank, laundry

Day 1 of Week 2 of 4 week challenge

Beginning day 1 of week 2 with an official weight loss of 3 pounds this week.

1pm - So far today - cleaning bathrooms
-A 'beaver' type mom trying to get 'otter' type son to clean his room!
- Listening to buck and doe calls fill my home and laughing at our dogs reaction.
-Getting tagged with old tag stickers by my man - as long as he uses my favorite gun ;D
-getting photos and videos on facebook .............

-and listening to a song my man came home and commented about - "While I am waiting" ... some are like my sister, waiting for freedom from cancer; some are longing for a child; some for a breakthrough with a relationship ... no matter what you are waiting for you, God is good!

"Those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they shall rise up on wings as eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint, teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait."
Psalm

"Patiently I will wait.
I will move ahead bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience,
While I am waiting - I will serve You,
WI am waiting - I will worship,
While I am waiting - I will not faint,
I will be running the race even while I wait.
While I am waiting I am peaceful,
I am waiting - though its not easy - no
but faithfully I will wait."
(While I Am Waiting by John Waller)

TODAY:
a spoon of peanut butter and an oreo - I DON'T KNOW WHY!!
2 coffee
1/2 cup oats, 1 apple, 2 Tbsp B sugar
(as of 1:30pm)

1/3 of a banana and a glass of apple juice

a couple little (and I mean LITTLE) carrots out of my garden and another glass of apple juice

ribs, garden fresh potatoes, salad (lettuce, peppers, cucumber, celery) with a bit French Dressing, ice tea

ended up having a bowl of chips with the family

Walked Tucker - with Dylan, we bought a couple new fetch toys and went to the football field with him, then we walked some of the trails

TREADMILL - Did 5 minutes - interrupted. Did 5 minutes again - interrupted. Did 10 minutes and realized I had to stop to make supper!

Did 30 minutes after supper.

Last day of week one...

Well, being tired is not a benefit to being focused! Today has gone alright so far.

TODAY:
coffee...

walnuts, banana, nectarine
2 jujubes

1 chocolate bar - (was doing well, should have passed it on to my kids when it was handed to me!)

That's all so far, I am about to go make supper...

Lettuce with a little bit of Miracle Whip, Vegie stir fry (Olive oil, peppers, celery, cucumber and a bit of salt and curry - fried till just between tender and crisp)

1 bowl chips and 1 diet Dr.Pepper

Rode bike to Celebrate Recovery

Instead of walking Tucker right after school (he was in big trouble!), I came down to the computer and started my first draft for my 'newletter' to the church body of Slave Lake! (**refer to my reflection of goals blog earlier this week ;D )
I am quite excited. I am sure there will be people who want to critique it ... but as long as it is constructive I won't mind. I think I have decided to use Ephesians 4:16 as the theme cover verse: "From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." And I will launch the first one with a blurb on Ephesians 4:3 "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

That's it for now ... Tomorrow is my first official check point!

I will come back and add in my activity and food that I do/have this evening before I go to bed...

Facts plus a little...

Down a total of 4 pounds this morning ... keep in mind, fluid retention and nothing official till Saturday morning.

Up lots again last night. I was encouraged to believe that when a child is growing their chemicals go a bit out of balance, making it hard for them to sleep. I also wonder if any of this restlessness is due to equinox stuff...

At any rate, I went back to bed for 20 minutes this morning, and still feel a bit wonky. I will need to keep my wits about me today...

How am I? Physically and mentally very, very tired. Emotionally a wreck ... a conversation I started ended terribly - I am still feeling very angry and frustrated and a bit numb ... I hate it when people assume the worst in me and my character. Obviously I still have left overs from the weekend!



TODAY:

1/2 cup oats, 1 small apple, 2Tblsp Bsugar
coffee...

apple, carrots, a few jujubes

a spoon of peanut butter, 1 Ritz cracker, a small plate of corn taco chips with about 2 Tblsp salsa, 2 oreo cookies (Gee, think I should have taken more lunch! Good thing I bought groceries!)

chicken stir fry (peppers, carrots, celery, bean sprouts)

corn on cob from friend's garden with a bit of butter and salt

icetea

Biked Tucker - with child in front - makes a huge difference!

Treadmill - 20 minutes

Need to drink more water, stay away from those 'naughty' things, and I'll be getting on track!

Just the Facts

Still down 2-3 pounds

All together today I had:
too much coffee, 3 granola bars, 2 nectarines, 1 apple, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup oats 1 Tbsp Bsugar, 1 pork chop, carrots/cucumber/tomatoes from the garden, box of chocolate covered raisins

I biked with Tucker
Treadmill - 20 minutes

Was up to 12:30 last night, Roger got home about 1:30am I think, Christine was up and Dylan was up for a good hour and a half till I crawled in with him ... I am very tired and have a killer headache.
Will continue helping kids with homework and hope to get to bed early...

Yah right ... Christine is low - have to stay up till at least 11pm to test her again ... maybe Roger will be home soon and let me go to bed??

A look back at goals

A friend's blog inspired me to make an actual step to make a difference. Back in May and June I had ideas stirring within me. I decided that I would first, ask God for the gift of 'words of knowledge'. I would then set 1 week goals where I would take one friend and their family and pray for them the whole week, perhaps even fast (WOW - I know!); and then I was hoping for words to write them a letter that would inspire, motivate and move them - joined with a hug from the Holy Spirit ;) .

In June some serious issues and concerns came to surface with my eldest and my whole focus changed. I did apply for a summer job, but will admit I was a little relieved as I desperately wanted and needed time with my kids. So the following is how the first page of my summer journal:

Inspired...
to press in with prayer and fasting for loved ones...

to be given a word for each that will inspire, refresh and have eternal roots...

to write letters and notes that are anointed to touch hears, turn eyes to our Creator, and renew souls...

to be equipped and prepared for the next year, and the next 8-10 years of my children's lives...

to intercede and hedge in my children's hearts ...

My current journal has two verses and my 'symbols' drawn on the first page, on the second page it says:

I have been:
-learning to wait of God
-longing to KNOW His Voice

GOALS:
-to laugh at least once with students daily
-to laugh at least once with family daily
-to have at least 30 minutes alone with God every morning
-to walk Tucker every afternoon
-to hug my kids at least 3x a day
-to eat right with grace
-to relax and take each day as it comes

-continued desire to pray for and write my friends and family - perhaps using their birthdays as guidelines
(+a couple other minor things)

This evening - talking to the life coaches - brought to mind two bigger dreams that I wonder if I'll ever accomplish.
- a bulletin/newsletter for 'the church of Slave Lake' - denominations are man made...
- a family center that is family friendly, and is also a health store/ tea house / holistic doctor place (which I would be one of). A place where I could help support my family - but also a place where people could leave feeling refreshed, renewed, motivated and inspired. A place where I could have a bulletin board with all the business cards like USANA dealers, Nutrilite dealers, massage therapists, etc... (you get the idea!)


Anyway. Having a blog about what I am eating and my weight seems so trivial - yet I know that my weight greatly affects who I am and my confidence to do what I feel in my heart. So, some blogs may contain yucky emotional stuff, stuff that sounds like excuses, stuff that shouldn't be felt - never mind spoken, but my sincere hope is to find freedom from my flesh. As a Christian woman I believe I find that through dying at the cross and allowing the Holy Spirit to live through me. Darkness has to flee when there is light - so I am shedding a very public light on it. Yikes!

So, now you know me a little better. I may or may not add to this post tomorrow (Wednesday).

Time to go kiss and hug my kidlets to sleep and prep for my man coming home ...

Memory trees

I received a love letter today.

I believe in keeping no records of wrongs. I believe forgiveness is vital. I think I walk in that ... and so am dismayed with myself when I 'react'. But my mind wanders back to things I learned from Dr. Caroline Leaf. Everytime something happens to us we 'burn' a memory tree in our minds. They can see differences between tree memories. The ones associated with positive feelings are smooth, the ones that are associated with hurts or anger look thorny. Every time a memory tree is triggered - by words, situation, etc.; that memory tree is added to. Which explains why people will over react. Someone says 'one little thing' - but in that persons mind that whole memory tree is triggered, sending out the equivalent chemicals - and so they 'over react'. Dr. Leaf proves that the only way they have seen a 'thorn bush' loose it's thorniness is through forgiveness!! You can never get rid of memory trees, but by forgiving the thorny parts fall off and a new memory is overlayed on it. That is why I can discuss and remember sexual abuse, but it sincerely brings no hurtful feelings back - it has been overlayed with forgiveness and new memories of reconcilation.

So, in my relationships. I thought I have forgiven, but because the hurt is so intense, things don't roll off of me anymore, and I feel spiteful, all tells me that I really haven't truly forgiven.
But thanks to Abba, and the amazing love of a truly amazing man, I can move on fresh and new ...

I am down two pounds according to the scale this morning! This is not official though till my one week mark Saturday morning...

Now, as I set out today Father, I commit it into Your hands. I pray You prepare me for whatever it will bring. I pray that all I do and say will bless Your heart and please You, and may I truly glorify You in my body - for it is the temple of Your Holy Spirit and was bought with the precious blood of Christ. Thank You for our amazing minds and that through You (and sometimes the knowledge You bless us with) we are able to transform them!
(Be back this evening!)

Today two 'life coaches named Betty and Karen came to our school. They have partnered with Trent (?) and Smalley and developed a program called "Incredible Creatures". They came to work with grade 1-6 and stayed this evening to work with the staff. We had been asked to do the on line assessment - and it turned out quite accurate for all of us. It basically confirm what I already knew - but also renewed my resolve to value another's differences rather then judge them. My husband isn't an abrupt jerk, he is a 'lion' who likes to be to the point and efficient with his time.
I also like the quote "Lead from your strengths and hire from your weaknesses." My husband and I are opposites in most areas - I need to stay focused on his strengths as supporting my weak areas, building me up, and keeping me balanced. Together we make a great team with few 'holes'.
To know more go to www.incrediblecreatures.ca or www.incredibleliving.ca .

TODAY:
I was at school till 4:30 - rushed to get glasses that weren't in yet
Rushed home to make dinner and rushed back to the school for the team building meeting. Back at 9:30 - kids still up, kitchen a mess, etc.

Treadmill - no
Walk Tucker - no
Eat right - no
Laugh - a fair bit this evening :)

What did I eat you ask? Hmmm...
1/2cup oats, 1/2 apple, 2 Tblsp B sugar
coffee ?#
left over BBQ chicken and granola bar
McDonalds chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce and a diet coke
salt and vinegar chips with a diet 7Up
plus chocolate throughout the day

"Hi, my name is Ruth and I am a chocolaholic."

Eeerrrr!

What do you do when you just aren't getting it right?

Well, if you read the last blog you will know this day already started rough.

Sunrise was beautiful.
My daughter made me laugh when we were heading to school - she said "I think I may get whip lash from my mood swings!" When I started to laugh, so did she, followed with, "I'm serious mom!".
I surprised myself with energy this morning with the students.
I laughed again while we were sitting up for supper, I was engaged in a discussion with my eldest and husband when we heard a loud pop and my son's face was priceless - I still don't really know what he did with his straw - but his drink went everywhere. His first reaction was fear of getting into trouble ... but my laugh sent him running for a cloth instead.

I feel like I've had a couple hard 'blows' the last few days. Maybe I am too proud. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe its not my issue at all. But regardless, it still hurts and I continue to struggle. I feel I have become callous and numb over the years. There are times I feel the need to leave or shutdown. Pain or not, I long to get back to my tender, forgiving, passive self. This anger, aggression and spiteful feeling scares me.
I am being very transparent right now and hope I don't come to regret it.

I am being open because, as an emotional eater, logging how my days are going may help in some preventive/manage planning.
In all honesty, my 'mistakes' today didn't really have much to do with relationships. #1 reason was spelt T.I.R.E.D. Its not a great reason, and some may call it an excuse, but when I'm tired my will power and self control seem to be very brittle. (#2 reason was guilt over eating at all as there was a call to fast on behalf of a church member battling cancer. I HAVE prayed for him and his family, but was too fearful to try to fast.)

TODAY:
As said in earlier post - 1 banana with peanut butter and 2 coffee

1 banana, 1 apple, 2 Nature Valley granola bars, and lots of coffee (I think 3 - but my mug at work is BIG) OH! And I had a couple jujubes.

a spoon full of peanut butter and ED Smith jam
1/2 chocolate bar (split with son)

half a plate of beans, peas and corn, 5 mini chicken wings/drumsticks
diet 7Up

Treadmill - 20 minutes (will do when I am done here - will shoot for 30, but don't want to write that quite yet) -did 30 minutes ... but just as I was about to go on treadmill, and I don't know why - but I ate a chocolate bar while on the phone!! I am SOOO mad at myself right now! (Gotta send the kids out to sell the rest of these and get them out of the house! I can't afford their cost - to my body nor my cheque book!)

Walked Tucker

bonus* Gym class (walk/jog/run/skip and carry kindergarten girl half the way)

So actively I have done (and will do) OK. Food wise, I really need to get a handle on it. The LEAN FOR LIFE program I used through my Quixtar/Amway business is an excellent program and very healthy ... Perhaps I need to write out a more specific menu and try that for a day or two. (Only, a lot of the 'protein' foods I used with that program I shouldn't have any more due to allergy...)...

A song that came on while I was stretching after the treadmill! :)
...Lord I come to You. Let my heart be changed, renewed, flowing from the grace that I found in You. And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me will be stripped away by the power of Your love.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me! Bring me near, draw me to Your side!
And as I wait, I'll rise up like the eagle, and I will soar with You, Your Spirit leads me on, by the power of Your Love!

Clouds and Sunsets

How do YOU deal with it when you are made to feel that nothing you say or do is right?

I am going to try to do this quickly to keep the peace! So lets see...

It has been a rough day. And I made it worse by reacting defensively and in anger. A person can choose to think the best of someone or the worst. I have learnt that thinking the best of people, taking issues to our Creator in prayer, and letting things roll off ones back gets the best results long term.
SO! I am choosing to believe the best - after all - I truly believe it is extremely rare that one person purposefully hurts another. It never ceases to amaze me though, how different two people's perspective can be!

On my walk with Tucker this evening I really enjoyed the sunset
and the lesson I learnt is that

without the dark yucky clouds I would never see the breath taking sunset at the end of the day! :)

Todays main activities were teaching Sunday school and getting a load of wood.

TODAY:
2 coffee

1/2 cup oats, 1 whole apple, 2 Tbsp B.sugar

moose steak (not sure if I'm allergic to that), garden fresh potatoes, fresh carrots, tomatoes and cucumbers - all from my own 'flower' bed! :)

I did mess up though and gave in to 3/4 chocolate bar. I DID resist, a couple times, but caved in the end.

Treadmill - 20 minutes
Walked Tucker

Only 'joy' today was the sunset ... Jesus, you are a real amazing painter! :)

Another week is about to roar down the tracks ... wish I had a pause button!

PS - I haven't put my 'number' on the blog - not sure I am ready to post that - silly isn't it! Everyone can see I am obese - who really cares what the number is! I have logged it here though and will keep you appraised...
___
It is 6:30am Monday morning - technically day 3.
I had a banana last night - so I need to add that in.
Then I was up lots with children last night and feel exhausted this morning - you won't believe what I did. First, getting the lunch kits out I tipped the oil and the lid came off! Thankfully it was canola and not olive - the waste would have upset me more if it had been olive!
Then while preparing the kids lunches - I had a banana with PEANUT BUTTER of all things! My feet will look like water balloons today!
BUT!
While on line I took the time to read my Aunty Eulene's last blog - HOW TIMELY! "One tick(day) at a time" ... lettersofhope.wordpress.com

I wish I had permission to quote Max Lucado's whole chapter 11 from "When God Whispers Your Name". It's entitled "The Choice" and in it he takes you to a dark morning with coffee in hand (similar to me at the moment) and as the day approaches he chooses to make a choice ...
"I choose love..." , "I choose joy..." etc. Its very good and I recommend it.

It is still dark and so I feel that I have time to 'reboot' with these two tools. Thank You Father - for Your mercies are new every morning!

Offense + Defense = flesh

Today I have experienced the 'zapping' of joy again, and think that it is tied to being offended, and hence feeling defensive.


If I am dead to myself and alive to God then it should be impossible to offend me - I am dead!

If I am defending myself, then God can't. Kind of like in court - you can choose defend yourself or use a good lawyer. I choose to ask Jesus to be my defender.


So I did 4 main things to try to help the situation.

1)I took Tucker our dog for a bike ride ... was still a bit huffy ... but as soon as I felt the cool crisp hair blowing on my face, and took in the beauty of the fall colors appearing, I felt God's tender arms around me and I let out a sigh. Exercise and fresh air (and God's creation) are excellent for SO many ailments!


2)While on my bike ride I prayed a prayer of surrender of myself, my family and my expectations. I asked God to forgive me for taking on the offense and defensive stance. ( I wish I could respond instantly in love and joy.) Then I proceeded to ask God to teach me how to pray for my family - including myself - and to make me the person He needs me to be - not necessarily who I wish to be. I made sure to pray a prayer of thanks - sincerely - for each one in my family ... out loud, speaking positive affirmations and praise to God for the work He has done. Then of course, thanked Him for His faithfulness to complete all He starts. :)


3) I got home and had a few minutes before preparing supper. I laid on my bed, elevated my feet and did some breathing 'exercises' and focused on relaxing. While there I...


4)Consciously acknowledged that I am very tired today and that that, in of itself, causes me to over exaggerate things in my mind.

I had a couple gifts from my Abba again...
-the excitement in my daughter's eyes as she told me all about a book she is in the middle of - I noticed a big grin on my face...without effort ;D
-geese flying over head while BBQueing Roger's steak
-the sunset and its light filtering through the trees while cooking at the stove.
-and of course the afore mentioned things :)



TODAY
1 piece of bacon, 2 coffee
1/2 cup oats, 1 Tbsp brown sugar
1 banana

1 Ryvita rye cracker sandwich with tomato, lettuce and miracle whip

snacked on peppers and carrots while cooking supper
(*struggling! finished diet pop from previous day)
6 chicken nuggets, plum sauce, raw peppers and garden fresh tomatoes, cooked carrots - nuggets had a bit of wheat coating**

**MAIN ACTIVITY today - cleaning out freezer that seems to be broken ... (hence why I didn't have plain chicken breast for supper)

Treadmill - 30 minutes

Did kind of walk Tucker - the bike is better for him, but easier on me (except for when we hit the grass and he RUNS :) )

Had about 5 glasses of water ... need to drink more this evening.

(I MAY have a few potato chips this evening while Roger and I watch a movie together... I am freeing myself to do so if I choose ... but surprisingly I am not feeling the need at this time.)

Not a perfect day 1 - but a start none the less...

Hope and laughter

HAVE YOU EVER LET FEAR HOLD YOU BACK?

Wow. Way too much floating around in this brain of mine tonight!

The last couple days have been the best internally that I have had in a long time. I tend to think that, despite the fear of doing this blog and how silly it probably is, despite the fear of failing once again, its the hope that stepping out in this is giving me.

I have kept a prayer journal/diary for years now, and if you were to look in the one I just started in the end of August you would see my goals quite simple sounding. One is to laugh at least once a day. Today I was blessed with two laughs with the students at the school - and I wasn't having to force it as I have been. It felt so good! (I'd tell you about it - but I think it was those moments when you 'had to be there')
In one of my devotionals last week I read the phrase "Jesus is the author of my laughter" and it really struck me. His joy is suppose to be my strength. I have invited Jesus to be the author of my laughter and I think I am already seeing the 'writing'! :)

I also went to Celebrate Recovery and enjoyed some time with some adults. I realize that I don't know how to be Ruth. Not mom, not wife, not 'teacher' ... just a woman. I think Friday nights will be good on so many fronts. Thank you ladies for our time; and worship team - wow! The harmony and instrumental and spirit - therapeutic!

I did do all my 'goals' yesterday.
Today:
I ran errands instead of walking the dog
Went to CR instead of the treadmill (and I'm just not doing it at 11pm, sorry!)
Ate what I really should not!

BUT I did walk to CR with my three kids and dog - sent two back home with dog and sent one to the kids to help babysit. I felt almost giddy tonight - WEIRD! But good. As my daughter and I left the church it was

a warm, clear night.
My daughter and I, hand in hand skipped and laughed down the driveway and across the street.
Then we ran a ways together - hand in hand and giggled.
Then she held my hand all the way home and she was even giddery (if that is even a word!) then me!
She was so enthusiastic about the person who played the drums while she played the piano and how special it made her feel,
about the beautiful stars and our earth,
about God and how wise He is to give us lessons
about how we wouldn't know light without dark, or happiness without sadness...
It was like a dream ... another gift from my Abba!

So, tomorrow is DAY 1 (28) OF THE 1ST 4 WEEK CHALLENGE!
I am a little apprehensive and fearful - but I refuse!! NO!!
FAITH AND FEAR CANNOT COEXIST!
I will take each day, hour, moment as it comes, and lean on, trust in and rely on my Creator for all I need and desire.

"Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to Thee..."

Who are we, really?

How much does your physical wellness affect your emotions, and hence your character, and in essence the person you desire to be?

About a year ago I had had enough and went to see a specialist in the city. The live blood cell analysis demonstarted very clearly why I had been feeling so tired, and showed many other problem areas. With an allergy test he proved my water retention, low immune and some of the liver stress to be allergy related (ALL dairy, ALL wheat, ALL beef, etc.etc.).
We spent the money for the trip and appointments, and so also spent the money for the recommended supplements, etc. I was feeling better quite quickly. However, as my husband ran out of work over the winter, spring and into summer I haven't reordered my supplements. As I quit taking them, and started slipping with my allergy foods, I am now back to where I was, if not worse.
So, as much as I don't want this blog to be negative, I do want to have it logged where I am starting again.
I am very tired all the time. My mind is foggy and I find it difficult to think clearly. I find simple tasks difficult and often hear or see myself and am disgusted with how I am coming across. My joints hurt, I have headaches alot, my circulation is very poor and I struggle to get comfortable at night. I am very moody (and not just for a week a month! Although a side note - the progesterone cream DOES make a big difference). I am very irritable, angry and depressed.
Now, of course, how we feel physically DOES affect us emotionally. All the above - mixed with my weight, hormonal issues, aging issues, and swelled body with fluid retention - leaves me feeling ashamed, embarrassed, helpless, hopeless, and ridiculous.
As a Christian woman, all of that makes me even question my faith. A fruit of the Holy Spirit is self-control - and I can't even eat right!? How sad is that! So if I am not exhibiting self -control, can I say I abide in Christ, that His Spirit is within me?

Yes, its all very negative and ridiculous isn't it! Yet when you are in the middle of the mess, it begins to get difficult to know what is
-physical
-emotional
-thought life
-spiritual
-an actual issue with someone else
etc.

In education we try to seperate math from reading, from grammar, etc. We also tend to do that to ourselves. Both are wrong.

We are spirit beings.
We live in mortal bodies.
Our five senses are the gateways to our souls and spirits.
After our senses, we then process everything through our minds.

So what we expose ourselves to will affect what we think about
and how we think about it will affect both our emotions and our physical bodies ...
(**Dr. Caroline Leaf "Who Switched Off My Brain"** highly recommended videos/book. Negative/fear based thoughts literally release a toxic chemical from your brain into your body, and positive/faith based thoughts release healing chemicals!)
How we are feeling physically leads to emotions, which leads to thoughts.

Meanwhile, the whole time our spirit being is being affected by all of it.

As a Christian, I desire
(Paul say is my reasonable service, and Watchman Nee calls it the normal Christian life)
to have the Holy Spirit of our Creator lead me and rule over my spirit, which will rule my soul (emotions, intellect, reasoning,etc),
which will rule over my body - which is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

Sadly, more often then not, my appetite in the flesh wins and drives me.
Which affects my soul,
which hampers the Holy Spirit's effectiveness in my life -
because He is a gentleman.

(ok, so I need to work on shorter blogs! But if you knew what I have held back you would appreciate how short this is! :) )

Will be starting 1st 4 week challenge on Saturday morning!
Today?
~Ate alright, had quite abit of chocolate - justified with very little sleep last night.
~Walked dog for 40 minutes - very therapeutic
~Am anxious to get kids tucked in so I can go on treadmill, shower and go to bed!
~have felt more 'up beat' today then I have for a long time ... I think its the hope I am feeling.

"...Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.
Take my heart Lord, take and seal it..."

Preliminary prepping!

HOW DO YOUR PAST 'FAILURES' AFFECT YOUR PRESENT GOALS AND ATTITUDE?

I am hoping that this format may be just the ACCOUNTABILITY I need.
My hopes are that I will beable to ACHIEVE my goals & experience SUCCESS,
and that some family and friends will take the time to come and hold me accountable.

My weight, or more correctly, my internal issues regarding self esteem and food, have been my undesired companion for MUCH too long.

Holding knowledge does NOT equal freedom.
Rather, practicing the right thing till that right thing becomes HABIT is what I believe will bring freedom.

I am great at setting goals, but as time progresses and my long term goal is further and further away from my end goal date I lose heart.
After a person falls so many times and is bruised and hurting, they are afraid to stand back up.

SO! 4 weeks.
Long enough to see a change,
short enough to start again with a clean slate and regroup.

Long term goal (I just can't not do this!):
- 100 lb weight loss and to be healthy and fit
- reachable in a healthy and safe manner well within a year.

MY BASIC GOALS:
**I have a lot of allergies that cause me to swell and retain fluid. Rotation diets are very important - but for the sake of habit forming and success on my first challenge I will be eating pretty much the same stuff daily.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats, 1 apple, 2 Tblsp brown sugar
*will allow myself one coffee with creamer
during day: fresh cut fruits and vegetables
optional fish/chicken or walnuts if I have
supper: vegetables and meat (fish or chicken)
WATER /herbal tea
*Fridays I will allow myself one small bowl of chips and a pop ... again, I need a taste of success and I hope with this to look forward to it will help me stay on task.

Walk my dog daily, as well as at least 20 minutes on my treadmill daily

Scale Goal: 8 lbs in 4 weeks.

Blog Goal: to track my food and excercise
to journal problem areas, emotions, with:
scripture or inspirational things to help me through
(basically this is my journal on line!)
and to record my scale +/- #

Not starting today yet ... just getting familiar with this blogging for a couple days first!