Look in the Mirror

I am struggling to know just what to say today. I want to share it all - but don't want to bore you ... don't want to be negative... don't want to air my filth.

"If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. BUT when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubt is like the waves of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he should receive anything from the Lord; he is a DOUBLE-MINDED man, unstable in all he does. ...
Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who LOOKS AT HIS FACE IN A MIRROR and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately FORGETS what he looks like." James 1:5-8;23-24 (NIV)

I could go on with a long list of health symptoms, some constant, some sporadic, but I think I will skip forward to last evening. I was in Canadian Tire to get a mat for our door that was on sale. I suddenly became very dizzy, light headed, fuzzy vision, then clear vision and feeling like I was on stilts; I worried that I was going to collapse. I went down a quiet aisle and took DEEP breaths and tried to stay calm, trying to look normal I went and bought a mat and went home. I immediately chewed on a Cal Mag (shown to improve chances if it was a heart attack), and couldn't find my aspirin. It was supper time and I tried to continue on. I lost it on one of my children, and I came downstairs, bawled and looked up symptoms. My child came down and we made up and she saw what I was reading. Of course all the sites talk about how women don't even realize they are having heart attacks, its mostly men that get the whole left arm and chest pain thing. I had 90% of the symptoms listed - including abnormally fatigued for duration of time, heartburn, irritable, anxious and fearful feeling... It was recommended that I seek medical attention and to stop worrying about looking silly if it wasn't - it could prevent serious damage. So I talked to the kids, instructed them that if their dad called NOT to say "Oh mom thinks she's having is a heart attack and is in the hospital." And off I went.
Back up now to the hour before I was in the store. I came home, a strange mixture of emotions bubbling over, about multiple things, and I consciously said 'screw it'. I had a piece of toast and a bowl of cereal and a bit of peanut butter! Of course, none of it had tasted as good as I had remembered. And now of course I felt ashamed, mad, flustered. And now, taking myself to the hospital I pleaded with God. And James 1:23-24 resonated in my being. I thanked God for the kick in the butt, the poignant reminder, and asked for more time to try to 'get it right'.

My aunt, in her 80's, has successfully lost weight and kept it off with Dr. Strand's teaching. I don't want a program and more info when I can't implement what I already know, I keep thinking when I am successful for a week or two in row, then I'll give her a call and start implementing more. But I am sure it comes across as lazy or dumb or uncaring. You know those people who have serious conditions and know they will die if they don't change their lifestyle - but they still don't ... I've heard how they are talked about. I desperately don't want to be that person. I desperately don't want to be the person who looks in the mirror and immediately forgets.


My mom has sent me all kinds of helpful information. I have a Type 1 diabetic daughter and I have caved to the artificial sweeteners - even knowing that I may as well be pouring Lysol in a cup. When she sent me the information I appreciate it ... and then wonder why anxiety and fear seem to be my response. Why does fear seem to be so prevalent in my life? The blog I deleted earlier this week resounded with 'I'm tired of...' and 'fear of...'. But I guess I should have left it, cause here it comes again...
I am tired of failing. I'm tired of settling for mediocre. I'm tired of others only expecting mediocre ... except one ... of whom I'm tired of being condescended to and made to feel that nothing I say or do is good enough. I'm tired of not being able to apply what I know. I'm tired of doubting and being double-minded. I'm tired of feeling that I am loved - not for who I am - but because of who the other person is. My dad always poured love over me and praised me, but he was rarely home and I was always puzzled thinking 'you don't know me though'. He loves me because I am his daughter. Jesus died for the world - for everyone - not ME. He loves me because I am part of humanity. My husband loves me because I'm his wife and he is an honorable man.

Fear is opposite of faith, and I want to be a woman of faith. Yet fear seems to continue coming up. Fear of conflict has me walking on glass. Fear of judgement has me avoiding people and situations. Fear of failure has me cowering in the corner...

When I got home from the hospital - "It's just symptoms of anxiety, you aren't going to die or anything. If your anxiety is short termed you'll be fine, otherwise come into the clinic and we'll discuss long term..." - my son handed me some popcorn he had saved for me - I ate it. Then I proceeded to eat some of the cookies I had made. I just looked in the 'mirror'! WHAT WAS I THINKING? Now there's a loaded question!

So here I sit
- surprised I'm still 2 pounds less then when I started considering the last couple weeks (Half way through it HAD been 5-7 pounds)
- and on the precipice of starting a new 4 weeks.

I need to lay off the coffee.
I need to drink much more water.
I need to continue to supplement - and get better ones when we can afford them.
I need to eat more salads.
What would my ideal day look like?

• Treadmill for 20 minutes and floor excercises


• Quiet time in worship and prayer


• Breakfast: - 1/2 cup oats, 1 Tbsp B sugar, 1 apple, a few walnuts. OR 1 Ryvita with a bit of EDSmith jam and a few walnuts


• A day of love and joy with my children, husband and students.


• Lunch: - salad or container of fresh cut veggies, some walnuts or lean meat, a fruit


• A nice walk with my dog.


• Supper: - salad and a lean meat or bean dish (although the family won't even try that! ... and of course I make potatoe/pasta for family)


• Time spent with my family, making memories.


• Another good 40 minute work out on treadmill, a nice cool shower , followed by a relaxing bath, tuck the kids in with love and have some love making time with my husband.


• Water throughout the day, with maybe some herbal tea in the evening.

Throw in some lane swim in the mornings, some volleyball in the evenings, some bike rides/sledding/pooletc. with the family ...

People say that you should try to just change one thing at a time. So I look over the last four weeks and think about what has become habit...

"Habit is the ability to act upon common duties or tasks without the necessity of deliberation. It is doing what should be done without having to think about it. Of all the mental muscles, habit is perhaps the most noticeable, regardless whether it is weak or strong..." [Clay and Sally Clarkson's book "Educating the Wholehearted Child" 1994]

"We have lost sight of the fact that habit is to life what rails are to transport cars. ... More, habit is inevitable. If we fail to ease life by laying down habits of right thinking and right acting, habits of wrong thinking and wrong acting fix themselves of their own accord." [Charlotte Mason "A Philosophy of Education" 1925]

Two good things have come of the first challenge ...
The oatmeal breakfast and walking our dog after school.

Sleep seems to be a vitally important part of my success. I can't always get a good nights rest - but I do need to give myself permission to rest without feeling like I will be called lazy, or worry about all the stuff I'm not getting done.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for this amazing body that You've given me. I ask - in faith - that You would create a clean heart in me, renew a right, persevering and steadfast spirit within me, and speak loud and clear into my soul, daily, moment by moment, by Your Holy Spirit, teaching me to glorify You in my body, which is my reasonable service! May I be freed from the habit and hold of food, that I may run a good race, embracing life without fear. I surrender the next 4 weeks to You. May I make time in the mornings, time involving NOT looking at the clock and rushing, to truly ABIDE in You. I miss 'us' and long to walk in Your shadow. In the authority of Jesus' name I pray, Amen (let it be).