- Official weight #?? Well I will say 2 pounds this week, 5 in total - so still on target.(The weigh scale couldn't decide and was from 2 to 5 pound weight loss, so I will be conservative...)
- Although I am showing weight loss, I am not pleased with myself at all. I would really like to see more salads and vegetables this week, and not so many 'mistakes'.
- I am starting to feel stronger on the treadmill and am starting to increase my speed and inclines, and just beginning to start my floor exercises again.
Some history:
I can remember wanting to be thinner as far back as grade 4 or 5. I knew I had a problem as early as grade 8. I went to a school that went from K-8, then we were bussed to a Junior/Senior high school half an hour away. I took correspondence for grade 9 (terrible allergy) and was very determined that I would show up back at school for grade 10 a new woman and impress everyone. I never finished correspondence and never lost my weight. Every year there would be new goals. Especially for graduation. My best year of losing weight was when I counselled at a summer camp, drank meal replacement drinks and worked my butt off.
Then it was going to be by my wedding, after the baby, after this baby, by this wedding, ... ok, by 30 ... 35?
I was never teased or anything, I was always cared for. I tried a LOT of different things, some were excellent. Lean for Life was a step by step program to healthy living. It took a person into ketosis quickly, was very healthy, was educational regarding set points, etc, acknowledged the psychological aspects ... but if a person doesn't stick to the program long enough to change habits, then it doesn't work. Recognizing this, I have developed a bit of an attitude regarding programs, books,etc. I believe I know what I need to do, what I lack is the consistency and alertness to follow through. (and if I would consistently do what I DO know - then I would be open to more education/programs/etc.)
There have been times I thought I was going to have a break through.
- Mr. Copeland's daughter was going to be on his program for a week talking about weight issues and I REALLY wanted to watch her. I somehow missed it all week, but that very same week God opened up the scriptures to me and I had about 4 typed pages of scriptures dealing directly with food. On the Friday I caught the last show - she confirmed EVERYTHING God had spoken to me that week. What excited me, was that I know if I had been watching the show I would have bought her program, and all the revelation would have been second hand, regurgitated stuff and it would have been about the program. I firmly believe (yes, still do), that God's Word is living and brings change. His Word does not return void. How could this new revelation not bring change ...
- I was driving back from the city, the girls were alseep in the back and I had my worship music thumping. As I sat there caught up in worship I felt like a big cloud lifted off me, and I began to praise Him sincerely for my body. True thankfulness for my body evaded my soul and I sat there in praise and tears - all this weight and no health issues, 2 babies and not an ounce of problems, not even a stitch ... - it lasted for about 3-5 minutes, and then I could feel a heaviness sit on me again and I cried out for it to leave ... but it didn't. Surely true thankfulness would bring a change...
- All the programs and books, etc. I have tried to take all I could out of it, surely knowledge will bring some change...
I really enjoy a good salad with chicken strips, I really enjoy biting into a crispy apple, I enjoy the feeling excercise gives me and the refreshment of cool water ... why don't I do what I want to do?
Perhaps its the lack of pure heart. See, I want to lose weight for my health, for energy, to bring freedom to do things like horseback ride, kneeboard, skidoo, swim... to bring confidence and freedom in areas of leadership and fellowship ... to bring freedom from shame and embarrassment, to glorify God in my body which is my reasonable service.
And there is the first problem. God should be first, and in transparent honesty, He's not. I want Him to be, but I know myself well enough to know. Plus, I confess, I want to be beautiful for the sake of beauty. I see family and friend photos and long to be beautiful. I am tired of being the girl you have to think hard about and then say "Oh! That's that nice girl that is ...bigger." I want my husbands friends to think "He's a lucky guy!". I want to be the "right" kind of kindergarten teacher - petite, pretty as a button, feisty and bouncy, creative and imaginative - I just don't fit the bill. I have seen how different 'pretty' teachers are treated and looked at then us heavier ones ... somehow fat and ugly always go together. So does fat and lazy, hence why a person like me is not allowed down time without huge guilt. I do feel that God has changed some of my more ugly inner desires, but I also know that if I am still looking at girls and longing to look like them - if how I look and others around me look takes up this much of my thought life, I know I've got a long way to go.
I think a person shouldn't dwell in the past, but so you know, I have also wondered how my food issues got started to begin with. Was it an unconscious guard due to sexual assault? Was it a mentorship thing - my two older brothers would come home, clean up a loaf of bread and head out to hockey, was I looking up to them and following that example? Was it my thought life, if I had recognized that I could be beautiful without being THIN and petite and had joined volleyball and baseball, etc ...? Food is something I associate with relaxing, with fellowship, with comfort, with TV ...
OK. If you are still reading I should apologize - I am sick of listening to this!
Some truths I believe to be healthy:
-eat mostly raw, fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean protein.
-stay active (get into a sweat and raise your heart beat on a regular basis)
-drink a lot of water
-supplementation is needed in our world today - and good supplementation.
-to lose weight a person has to have more energy out then in
-When a person has carried extra weight for a prolonged period of time your body 'resets' itself. When you start to lose about 20 pounds your body thinks its starving and tries to balance back - hence 'plateaus', etc.
-The healthier the food (carbs, fats, fiber, glycemic index, calories, etc) the better off you will be.
*The mind is a powerful tool
*Everyone has habits, that's how we live, the trick is to make GOOD habits.
*If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.
Today I am doing some laundry, hoping to see my neighbor for a bit, cleaning and recycling, and hope to play with my neice a bit too! So tonight I will just add Today's info...
TREADMILL - 20 minutes (10am)
Walked Tucker in full moon light this evening :)
1/2cup oats, 1/2 apple, B sugar 2 coffee
1/4 cantalope, 3/4 banana
1 coffee
4 mini chicken legs
chicken balls, home made spaghetti sauce, half plate of salad with French and ice tea
...may have a diet pop this evening or some tea ... not sure yet...
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