'Burning to Live in Your Presence'

I have been allowed to borrow the book the staff is reading for devotions. While supervising lunch I had been thumbing through it and a few sections caught my attention that I really wanted to reread and chew on. I would like to share some snippets. It comes from "Early Will I Seek You - A 40-day journey in the company of AUGUSTINE - arranged by David Hazard."

"Late have I loved you, O Beauty so ancient and so new. Late have I loved you!
You were within me, while I was outside of myself. I was searching for you in all the outward joys and beauties. And all I found was loneliness.
Then I fell and was broken by those same lovely thing which I sought - things that you yourself made. Yet you were with me, while I was not with you. I was being kept from you by my hunger for the world's lovely things. I did not even recognize that all the things I sought had been created by someone, or they would not exist at all.
Then you called me and cried to me and broke through my deafness! You sent forth your beam, the light of your magnificently beautiful presence. You shone your Self upon me to drive away my blindness. You breathed your fragrance upon me ... and in astonishment I drew my breath ... now I pant for you! I tasted you, and now I hunger and thirst for you.
You touched me - and I burn to live within your peace."
...

"That Your Soul May Live" " 'Listen! Listen to me (the Lord, your God), and eat what is good, and your soul will delight itself in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me that your soul may live.' Isaiah 55:2,3 "

...

"I Approach Food As I Approach Medicine"
"'Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be mastered by anything.' 1 Cor. 6:12
'For the fruit of the Spirit is ... self-control.' Gal. 5;22,23
You have taught me that I should approach the taking of food as I approach medicine.
For hunger and thirst are pain of a sort. They break down the body and burn, unless the 'medicine' of nourishment relieves us. And it's by eating and drinking that we repair the daily losses of the body, until such time as you destroy both the stomach and food (1Cor. 6:13). At that time you will kill all fleshly hungers by filling us with your wonderful plenty. Then you will clothe this corruptible body with an everlasting body that cannot be corrupted(1Cor. 15:54). ...
Now, let us be honest, eating and drinking are pleasurable, and good food is healthful for the body. But I may sit down to eat and drink for the sake of health, and then for pleasure go on to eat and drink far more that I need or even what is healthful. Often, it is so difficult to tell the dirrerence, whether my body has a healthy appetite, or whether I am being deceived by my own overwhelming greed, until I am seduced into thinking that I really cannot control my appetite. So then I eat for the reason of gluttony and not in thankfulness to God. ...
I ask you, O Lord, to help me keep a right grip, neither too loose nor too tight, on the reins of my palate."

In one of the many programs I have looked at they taught that God created our bodies with signals and you are encouraged to not eat until you hear your stomache growl or at least KNOW you are receiving a signal from the stomache to eat. Then you only eat till you are full, again, listening for those signals. I agree with this whole heartedly. Especially when your struggle involves food, it is important to retrain ourselves to hear our bodies. And of course, the Holy Spirit also leads us in this.

I have already quoted 1Cor. 6:12, here is the amplified:
" 12 Everything is permissible (allowable and lawful) for me; but not all things are helpful (good for me to do, expedient and profitable when considered with other things). Everything is lawful for me, but I will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power.
13 Food [is intended] for the stomach and the stomach for food, but God will finally end [the functions of] both and bring them to nothing. The body is not intended for sexual immorality, but [is intended] for the Lord, and the Lord [is intended] for the body [to save, sanctify, and raise it again].

1Cor. 10:23 says, "All things are legitimate [permissible--and we are free to do anything we please], but not all things are helpful (expedient, profitable, and wholesome). All things are legitimate, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life]."

Romans 12:1-2 (King James)
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your REASONABLE service. And be not conformed to this world; but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God."

Catch up on me

(I will come back to the whole body, soul, spirit thing when I am led to)

1-Time on the computer and expectations around the house have been an issue.
2-Guilt and frustration concerning my actions to show love is an issue
3-The bad attitude that has seemed to sneak up within me and smack me is an issue.
4-What I perceive as a negative and condescending air in my home is an issue.
5-The seeds I have allowed to be planted in my children, mixed my inconsistencies is an issue.
6-The self-centered “I need to...” is an issue.
7-My frugal nature causing a lack of proper nutritional and hormonal supplementation,
8-and resulting tiredness being added to by lack of exercise, is an issue.
1) Verse 16 in the Prov. 31:10-31 passage says “She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect on her present duties by assuming other duties];with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.”
I wondered and said loose prayers concerning starting a blog. Time on the computer was already an issue and all I do is business books, check status' and messages on facebook, and check for messages in my email. I knew starting a blog would only add to the time. Yet I really felt that the accountability would help – and it was helping. There were a few times I put food down or went on the treadmill because I knew I had to write on the blog – and my conscious wouldn't let me lie. My reasoning said that if I am in better health, I can better serve my family and community. A person needs to rest – guilt free – for health and sanity. A person needs to sleep for the same reasons. To run a home well and to fulfill my expectations ... well.
I am reminded that it is vital to live in your priorities. God comes first, not church. With God first, He enables me to serve others well. My husband and children are my next priority. The better I help my man and the better our unity, the more effective our family unit becomes and the more fulfilled we both are. My children are my responsibility and I am the steward of their lives and I will answer to God for how I've raised them (this fact has me literally trembling and in tears – I cry out 'OH! But for the grace of God!'). Then extended family, blood, spirit and friend families. My community and those that God would have me minister to.
Heavenly Father, I pray You teach me to expand prudently and not neglect the duties and responsibilities that I have the honor of carrying. I ask for wisdom and courage.
2) My sister has been battling cancer for 2 years now. I have not shown the love I have for her and its ripping my heart apart. I spoke with her this morning and once again she inspired me. I wasn't going to apologize or 'go there' – but just strive to change things somehow. But I did in tears, and her grace once again shone through.
Heavenly Father I pray that You would free me to regularly go to my sisters to help with the work on her farm – allowing her to rest. And I would ask selfishly that You would use me to bless her.
3) Number 2 and 3 tie together. Let it be said up front that my man helps a lot around the house. He helps cook meals, do dishes, washes the floor, does laundry, etc. etc. etc. PLUS is an excellent handy man and does the extras like chopping tons of wood. So I share this to draw out my bad attitude and struggle to truly love and not to draw attention to anything else. Having a diabetic daughter requires that we are up every morning – so even given an opportunity to sleep in, we are up 'automatically' anyway – although the ability to wake up naturally and lay there for a bit is sure nice.
There has been several occasions where early on a Saturday morning my man will waken me early with cuddles and snuggles – which I really do TRY to appreciate. Then we will look at the time or he will comment on being hungry and I will begrudgingly (there's the attitude) get up and start breakfast – and he roles over and goes back to sleep!
My son is 10 but has been getting up every night – about 3am – with no real cause other then needing the bathroom, a drink or a hug. Last night I pleaded with him that we need to sleep. He was up at 3:30am and asked for a hug. I gave him one and went back to bed, I could hear he wasn't going back to sleep. {side note – I would love to crawl in with him – but we aren't a family bedding family, and I have tried in the past and it becomes a bigger struggle} At 4am he came and said he couldn't sleep and asked to turn on a movie. Being as tired as I am feeling lately I told him to go ahead, but keep it down. I saw every hour. The 'best' was when I had finally actually gotten into a decent sleep again and he came and woke me up to tell me it was 7am!
This is all long, and drawn out, I know. I say all this to say that as I lay in bed at 8am (daughter showed up at 7:30 for breakfast and needle and left again) I was feeling mad and disrespected – while also feeling guilty. I should be feeling grateful and thankful that I have all my kids here to serve! It should be a joy to get out of bed – tired or not – and serve the family for the short time we have.
See, we say I should have the right to have half an hour a day to type a blog. I should even be able to have time to do things like play bells or go to Celebrate Recovery all the time. I should be able to be left alone to sleep – or just because I happen to really savor alone time. I should be able to leave the floor for a night and not feel guilt, shame and fear of 'getting into trouble'.
These are all seen as 'rights'. But I am crucified with Christ. Nevertheless I live. Yet not me, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live I live by the faith of the Son of God who gave Himself for me. (Gal. 2:20) If I am defending myself – either I am not being humble enough to admit I'm in the wrong, or I am not allowing God to be my defender. If I am feeling offended, then my flesh is alive and well in me and I am walking in the flesh and not the Spirit.
Heavenly Father, I ask that You forgive me for worrying so much about me and my needs. I know as I keep my eyes fixed on You, and on serving others, this bad attitude will change. I ask that You bless me with the energy I need to walk love and joy, regardless of how this body feels. Thank You so much for the family You have blessed me with and that they are all well. Teach me to love them as You do. Enable me to walk in Your Spirit and not my flesh.
4)Lord Jesus, You created all we know exists. You are Truth and Love. You are beyond our comprehension. Yet You humbled Yourself and became flesh! You lived as a man – yet without sin! As they stood there and told lies about You, tore out Your beard, spit in Your face, mocked You, beat You ... You never once defended Yourself or retaliated. Father, I find myself taking on the attitudes around me. When my kids are snarpy and disrespectful I don't respond in a way that glorifies You, or helps or trains them! When my husband is being more harsh then I can stomach I react in many different ways – rather then on my knees. I know we need to build on each other's strengths and our family needs the man he is. My defensiveness, my hateful and evil thoughts, my fear .... is all wrong. I have often come to You in prayer – may my faith and trust in You to do in my husband and children what I can't do expound exponentially! And may my thoughts always draw me to my knees before You... for I KNOW that it is not only the best way – but the only way.
5)“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one show sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Gal. 6:7-8) I have sown a lot of garbage within my body and am reaping what I have sown. But much more alarming is the things I have allowed to be sown into the minds of my children. Yes, life happens and there are some things one can't prevent – I have examples. Yes, each person has their own soul and distinction. But lets not white wash this. When the kids were little, there were times it was easier to pretend I didn't see, or hear, then deal with it. There have been times I have done nothing because I didn't know what to do, or was afraid to do it. I have allowed TV and music to infiltrate my children's minds – and one in particular is affected greatly and seeing this harvest is heart wrenching. I think of what dad shared about his time with his grandpa. He was asked what you get if you plant oats, wheat, etc. My dad answered. My great grandpa corrected him. You can plant all you want – but you will always get weeds. The important thing is to plant SOMETHING, or ALL you get is weeds!
Heavenly Father, I plead for You forgiveness. You entrusted three incredible people to my care and I have made some terrible blunders. Thank You for Your promise that if we confess our sins, You are faithful to forgive us our sins! Thank You so much for Your grace, mercy and patience! I ask that You guard my children from my mistakes, and that You give me insight, wisdom, discernment and courage to raise them the way YOU want me to.
6)Father God, Thank You for Your revelation of my selfishness. Thank You that You love me enough not to leave me the way I am. Thank You that I am just the clay and that You are the Potter. Thank You that when You break us or put us in the fire that it truly is for our betterment. Thank You for seeing me hid in Christ. May I walk in Your Spirit and have in the forefront of every thought of my position in Jesus!
7)When Roger didn't have work, we really didn't have the money to buy the supplements that I was on. But neither was I faithful to listen to the unction of the Spirit's leading to gain what my flesh needed by His provision. My sister shared her heart openly with me and the struggle it has been for her with the strict diet, mammoth size needles for the latrille and handfuls of pills. Even going the more 'natural' approach to fighting cancer still brings in the 'law'. As great as the two doctors that she sees are, they still have blanketed treatments with hope that by taking it ALL you'll get what you need.
There have been several words of the need for her to rest. She shared of a doctor who started studying dirt and the health of it – because then the plant is also healthier. This led to a study of the human body as dirt. According to his discoveries, if we have all the minerals we need we can produce all the vitamins, except for B12 Becca thinks it was.
And as farmers know, you also need your dirt to rest.
On Sept 9 they took 7 liters off Becca's abdomen – more then ever before. Becca asked the nurse if she had seen that before and the nurse basically said that this was the beginning of the end and it would only increase now. Becca's spirit rose up and said 'oh no it isn't'! My sister shared her struggle, that even knowing it was her life, she didn't eat right. Her 80% raw vegetables has dwindled to about maybe 50%. On Oct. 22 they only took a touch over 2 liters and the nurse was shocked, saying she had never seen it go back down. During this time, Becca also learned that although some vitamins are killed when cooked - some vitamins and the minerals are more easily absorbed when cooked! New infor for me! And isn't it interesting that teh guilt about not sticking to 80% raw, she learns that it may be better for her right now to have more of them cooked anyway! (PS - the 80% isn't 80% of the vegetables raw - but 80% of all the food she eats being raw vegetables)
So what is better, following the law? Or living under grace?
Interestingly, Becca also got talking about eagles, we talked about rising above the storm. And she talked about how an eagle doesn't flap and flap – but rather will wait for the sun to warm the air and when the up draft comes he soars.
They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they shall rise up on wings as eagles! (Isaiah 40:31)
Heavenly Father, I lift both my sister and I to You. May we hear Your small still Voice and not trust in man's programs and wisdom. Thank You for the knowledge You have given doctors and us, but may we use it appropriately and apply it with Your leading. May we both learn to truly rest upon You. Thank You for Your provisions, whether we run out of money to buy the things we 'need' or not ... we can trust You to lead us in a plain path!
8)Lord Jesus, You would take times, sending even Your disciples away, in order to pray and have quiet time. Rest is so important. I pray that time on the computer wouldn't take from my family or my rest. I pray that You would supernaturally renew and refresh me while I wait on You and get back up on my feet again. Then may I truly walk hid in You, walking in the Spirit and not the flesh.

To Write Or Not To Write

Probably 'not' - I'm not my friend who can write inspirationally even when she herself is not inspired.

I have purposely eaten what I should not, I have not been on treadmill, my weight is about 1 pound less then about 6 weeks ago (which is surprising considering fluid retention, etc!), I have been negative and emotional and trying to hide and deal with it all. I have had two 'breakdowns' this week - partly infront of my children. I struggle to love. I am 'shoulding' on myself left, right and center. I have moments of clarity and hope, only to fall back in this dark pit. This is all yucky and in the moment . My eyes are burning, my head aches, my body aches, and still I sit...sat... starring at the keyboard...
Can I start again tomorrow? Can I battle through this? Huh. Lots of "I"'s.

I am .........................................
He is my source of life and joy. He is my salvation and grace. He is my love and peace. He is my strength.
Hey soul! Listen up! Hey body! Listen up! It ain't about YOU - it's about Him and I want HIM in control! So mind - be transformed and renewed! It's time we let Holy Spirit drive this ship for awhile!! ... Change that! drive this ship for evermore!!

Right now my son is (im)patiently waiting for me to tuck him in and Holy Spirit is reminding me of being mom comes first right now.... actually, he has been very patient and not impatient at all! He is now standing by my side - a good 45 minutes after asking me to tuck him - and all he has said is "Mom, can I have a hug?" ... You betcha my son ... lets go have a few! :)

Mind - Part 2

Seems odd, talking about minds and am loosing mine at the same time!

I was going to move to bodies, but want to share more of Dr. Caroline Leaf...

-As you read this (or listen to someone...)you are taking in information.
-There is a 'garden hose' like thing that all the info is sifted through; and here you have a choice to reject or accept the information.
-If you reject it, it leaves as heat energy.
-If you accept it your brain starts the process of building a memory tree. -If you have one already started with similar information, then the info is added to. If new, a new tree is created.
-If you aren't really listening, aren't really thinking or are stressed the branches of the memory tree will be flappy and the glial cells will gobble them up as you sleep.
-If it is strong it remains. (a potential 'stronghold')
If you accept the thought at some point(can't remember exactly when this takes place), the chemicals/hormones that are sent through your body first go to your heart - and you again have the choice to accept or reject the thought ...

Sheds some light on 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 eh? (Amplified)
"For though we walk (live) in the flesh,
we are not carrying on our warfare
according to the flesh and using mere human weapons.
For the weapons of our warfare are not physical
[weapons of flesh and blood],
but they are mighty before God
for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,
[Inasmuch as we] refute arguments
and theories and reasonings and
every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up
against the [true] knowledge of God;
and we lead every thought and purpose away captive
into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)"

Also 1Corinthians 8:9
"Only be careful that this power of CHOICE (this permission and liberty to do as you please) which is yours, does not somehow become a hindrance to ..." others.
Deut. 30:19
"I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore CHOOSE life, that you and your descendants may live.."
Josh.24:15
"....CHOOSE you this day whom you will serve ... as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Job 34:4
"Let us CHOOSE for ourselves that which is right; let us know among ourselves what is good."
Ps.25:12
"Who is the man who reverently fears and worships the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that he should CHOOSE ..."

Thinking positive can help a person ... positive speaking can too ... but to make lasting changes we need a heart change - which is supernaturally done. With the mouth confession is made to salvation - with the heart one believes to righteousness (Rom.10:9-11) - it has to be both.

--
Our brain does 4 billion actions per second, we are conscious of about 2000 of them.
We have 100trillion brains cells, each holding up to 70,000 pieces of information - equivalating to about 3 million years worth of storage!
Einstein and the such used about 5% of their brain.
About 1% of the world's population uses 2-3 %.
95% of the population only use 0.001% of our brains.
Two things come to mind ...
- our brains are created for much more :)
- 'experts', including Dr. Leaf, feel that as we are coming out of the "information age" we will have the dumbest generation. Intelligence is not how much one can cram in; learning is not reading or hearing a 5 minute snippet of information and thinking you've learned all about it! Our children don't know how to think properly - and I for one - have not helped one iota!

Television, computers and video games have their place; but have also been shown multiple times over multiple years to have a negative impact on us. We are a people who are lost without a square box to stare at! [quoting a friend of mine :) ]

---
One last thing. Hope has its own chemical.
Dr. Leaf refers to an experiment with monkeys where the mothers were seperated from the babies. The babies had all their 'needs' met - but quickly slipped into stress and despression. When mother monkey's were sent in to simply hold and hug they quickly changed back to normal ... hence the term "monkey hug therapy".
-They have found the stress hormone is 10 times greater in suicide victims.
-And one more off the wall thought with this ... the 'laying on of hands' - not ALL 'spiritual' !
-My sister who is fighting cancer is to get at least 8 good hugs a day - with 5 kids and a husband she laughs and says she is set with a hug every morning and night being 12! :)

---
I had a breakdown in front of my kids again tonight - time to take some serious inventory of my thoughts and possible strongholds that need tearing down!
And with report cards 2 weeks away, its the worst time for mama to be adding stress as the cortisol (or whatever it was that Dr. Leaf said!) that is released with stress causes their memory trees to shrink!

--
I am mightily proud of my family ... one of my neices called me just a night ago and we had a nice little chat - and she quoted a scripture that keeps coming back to me, that is what I will close this with - an hour into the next day... (Phil.4:6-7)

"Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and

your minds in Christ Jesus."

Minds

I recommend Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind".
I highly recommend Dr. Caroline Leaf's book/video
"Who Switched Off My Brain".
I first saw her on Life Today with 3 other women - each speaking in their area of expertise.

There are many scriptures regarding our minds, hearts and souls; but I think Christians tend to compartmentalize things too much. Here are some common scriptures...
Rom 12:2 says to be transformed by the renewing of our minds
2Cor. 10:5 says we should bring every thought captive
Phil. 4:8 says to think about whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, kind, virtuous, excellent...
This list of scriptures could go on for quite awhile.

Knowing these scriptures, and knowing the power of our words and thought-life, set me up for when I heard Caroline speak.
These scriptures transformed
from "yes, you should do these things"
to "God wasn't wasting His breath!
He created our bodies
and there is even a physical reason for these things
- not just 'now be good child'."

My comprehension is very elementary and I look forward to a day when I can focus more on this, but here is SOME of what I have learned...

Researchers have shown that 87% of illnesses are attributed to our thought life, and only about 13% to our diet, genetics and environment.

Dr. Candace Pert (neuro scientist) has found scientifically, without a doubt, that there is a bio molecular basis for our emotions.

"Whether your thoughts, emotions and attitudes are
toxic or positive, they are represented in the body as electrochemical
reactions." (Dr. Caroline Leaf's book)

Dr.Caroline Leaf explains the whole process of how a thought happens, and what happens to that thought. They have found two specific, actual molecules, that are released - one a 'fear -based' and one a 'faith-based'. The fear based one is toxic, important for times when you need that 'fight/flight' mode, but when out of balance or for extended time, is toxic in your body - chemically, electrically and hormonally. The faith based one is healing.
Our thoughts are not some 'out there' thing, thoughts are visible and measurable and real; and physically affect us as they are sent chemically and electrically throughout our bodies like photocopies.

One of the first places our thoughts affect is our heart/circulation. Interesting enough, the physical heart itself

"has a mini-brain(about 20,000 cells that are found in our brain) that
operates like a 'checking station' that evaluates the wisdom of thoughts,
keeping rash decisions and impulsive thinking under control."

That information brings new light to Proverbs 4:23

"Keep and guard you heart with all vigilance and
above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life."

Some more on the heart?...
Jer.24:7a 'I will give them a heart to know me,'
Ezek. 11:19 'I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.'
Matt 6:21 'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.'
Matt. 22... 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
Matt.15:18 'But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart' (Luke 6:45)
Rom 10:10 'For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified...'
2 Cor. 3:3 'You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.'
You can see how me talking abou this could end up leading down endless word studies and tangents! :)

I will conclude with Ephesians 4:23

"Be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind

(having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude)."

There is much more I would love to share, but I don't think now is the time...

Today in service I was reminded that the joy of the Lord is to be my strength and that I can put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness ... of which I needed badly this morning.

I heard of some girls getting away to the Boreal hostil for a weekend of scrapbooking - how I would love to go to a place like that - just to have time. I was invited, but can't go.

Body-Mind-Spirit

There is no denying the Body-Mind-Spirit connection. As I said in the first week of blogs, we are spirit, given a mind and housed in a body. Each affects the other.
This all started because I figured I would meditate on some scriptures concerning my body, and maybe share one a day... but, not knowing who all reads this, I started backing up to try to set the ground work of my understanding. So if you read this, please understand that I am trying to just pinpoint some things as briefly and simply as I know how.

I would like to start this week with a diagram my dad showed me, I'm not sure if it was from his own studies or from a resource ... not sure how else to show you other then this:

1Thess. 5:23 says

"And may the God of peace Himself

sanctify you through ;

and may your spirit and soul and body

be preserved blameless

at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Heb.4:12 says

"For the word of God is living and active.
Sharper than any two-edged sword,

it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit,

joints and marrow;

it judges the thoughts and attitudes of
the heart."

There are 5 gates into our being ... which are our 5 senses ... eyes see, ears hear, nose smells, tongue tastes and skin feels.
Our bodies are fluid and solid, chemicals and electrical currents, bone and flesh, molecules and cells.

There are 5 gates that our soul communicates with our world via our body... imagination, conscience, reason, memory and affection.

And the one thing that sets humans apart in all creation - our spirit. God spoke everything into existence, but humans, He knelt, formed the clay, breathed life into it, formed a rib...

The one gate to our spirit is our will.

I love Proverbs 31:10-31, in fact, I have the amplified version framed in my kitchen - I really should read it more often! The applicable verse to start this week with is Proverbs 31:17,18,25:

"She girds herself with strength (spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task) and makes her arms strong and firm. She tastes and sees that her gain from work (with and for God) is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night (of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt and distrust) ... Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure..."

Another week with a rough start ... time to take some thoughts captive me thinks!

Seizing the moments - and a little truth at the end of the week

"I don't pretend to know what its like
walking in you shoes
but I know your path will be
the one you choose
so whatever has been keeping you
from walking through that door
This is the moment you've been waiting
for...
Time won't stop for no one,
we both know that that's a fact
Once a day is done
it don't come back
so each and every second
is too precious to ignore
This is the moment you've been waiting
for...
You don't have to wait for all the planets
to align,
No, heaven is already on your
side
and it'll give you what you need
now
nothing less, nothing more...

Take a deep breath, take the first
step
Take the bull by the horns
If you're still breathing then this moment
is yours..."

[This is the moment - by Carolyn Arends]

"If there is a cup of life
And we each get our quotas
may you drink your down, pass the rest
around
And not waste one iota

And if there is a winding road
and mountains meant for
climbing
may you be strong and brave, and constantly
amazed
by every new horizon...

And if our days make up a dance
Then have no hesitaion
Turn the music loud and send a crowd
Of friends your invitation

And if its true that love's a song
We sing in joy and sadness
Then may your song be sung
At the top of your lungs
And may it bring you gladness

And if there is another world
That waits beyond the curtain
then when your time has come
may you hear, "well done"
and may you know for certain
that you lived..."

[May You Live - by Carolyn Arends]

"...Seize the day
seize whatever you can
because life slips away
just like hour glass sand
Seize the day
pray for grace from God's hand
Then nothing will stand in your
way
seize the day..."

[Seize the day - by Carolyn Arends]

I wrote out these songs at the beginning of the week...

A dear friend of mine once pointed out that I am hid in God's Truth - quite literally - tRUTH ...

So the truth ...The first step in Celebrate Recovery, and I believe AA, is dealing with denial - denial there is a problem, denial that I can't do it in my own power. Well, this blog embarrassingly demonstrates that, now doesn't it!

I have started each day well... and ended in a giant fire ball. Last night being the worst.

My days this week? I will use one as an example - morning of dragging my son out of bed who hates school, a day at school, came home, dropped off kids, lunch bags emptied, etc.; ran back up town for groceries. Started supper, during which time I also dyed my daughter's hair for photo day and cut my husband's hair. Finished supper, ate supper (spaghetti and meatballs, I didn't have the wheat, but did the beef). Cleared table, ran out on a mess of a kitchen for a parent meeting - that was the highlight of the day - I love seeing people fired up for what God is doing! But, rushing my daughters hair resulted in my first mess of a job - BLOTCHY! AND, I left the meeting feeling like a babbling idiot. Got home later, fished out the dye from the garbage and tried to fix her hair. While waiting for that I helped to finish tidying up. Being photo day the next day I had two teenage girls wanting some special grooming from mom - although it was late - it is a first for my girls to be asking to help like this so I couldn't say no. By 10pm I looked tiredly into the mirror and pondered the streaking kit I had bought for my mousy blonde hair. I have tried to like my 'natural' look - but I'm getting older and the blonde is dull. I made another blunder. I have dyed my own hair successfully, I have dyed and streaked other's successfully - so I should have been able to succeed with this streaking kit by myself ... I too am blotchy. Then, my husband who has been away more then usual with hunting was wanting some time too.
I am not sure how to share other truths while respecting others. ...

...The end result is me seeing that I spend much of my time journalling about life, and very little living it. I am close to closing down my blog, facebook and email; maybe I am addicted ... maybe I just enjoy it ...

This week of songs originally was inspired from within ... but ended up being a time issue saver.

This coming week I so want to meditate, and remind my soul and mind of important truths ... but I warn you now - again, it's a rush job and may be blotchy. (So much for whatever my hand finds to do, doing it well!)

Who You Are

"Built from clay and breath of God
This is who you are
Made to house eternal love
This is who you are
Matter and spirit combined
This is who you are
Temple for the Lord most high
This is who you are...

Echo of creation song
This is who you are
Remnant of the chosen ones
This is who you are
Ember of a holy fire
This is who you are
Object of the King's desire
This is who you are...

Little lamb who wanders off...
One the shepherd won't leave lost...
Rescued by his sacrifice...
Now the hands and feet of Christ...

Hear the Father call your name,
Shine with His eternal flame,
Bear His image in your soul,
Listen till you finally know,
This is who you are."

[Who You Are - by Carolyn Arends]

Who Am I?

" Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright ad Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
....
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the Voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm inme?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of Who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
still You hear me when I'm calling!
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am,
I am Yours, I am Yours!
["Who Am I" by Casting Crowns]

Choosing Voices

"...But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
reminding me of all the times I've tried before
and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!"...

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

...But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the gruond
And the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound Jesus
singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth"
["Voice of truth" by Casting Crowns]

I had a much better sleep last night, and although I still got to bed much later then I desired, I am feeling much more ready for the day this morning. ...

Today: ...
1/2 cup oats, 1 Tbsp B sugar, 1/2 apple
3 coffee
salad, walnuts, apple
some Nutella
chicken stir fry made with olive oil

Walked Tucker 'with' running club
Walked Christine to Bell practice
Walked to pick up Christine - nope - Mrs. Hahn drove her home!!
Treadmill 20 minutes

Week of songs?

My blogs have been too long, my apologizies...

Colossians
1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

I confess I envy and am jealous of those with beautiful bodies.

Today ... 1/2 oats with b.sugar
lots of coffee, some jujubes, salad/chicken/banana, some chocolate chip thingys and some Nutella - of all things. Fries from oven, salad.
Samantha didn't want me to walk Tucker with her - stupid chore list.
Was going to go on treadmill and wallowed in self pity instead.
Did not want to blog or read Col.1!

"I Need You to Love Me" - Barlow Girls

Why? Why are You still here with me?
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run
And hide myself...

But its here I see the truth,
I don't deserve You...

But I need You to love me
and I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending
that I can somehow deserve
what I already have

I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time,
pushing you away from me,
I just never saw how You
could cherish me
Cause You are a God who has all things
and still you want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been...
I need You to love me.

I'm not there yet ... much of my knowing is still just in my head and I desperately need my Father to break down the wall to my heart.

This song is also applicable to my man.

Pieces of the Day

For almost a year now I haven't been able to find a certain cd of mine and I had decided I must have lent it out and have forgotten to whom. Late last night, while looking for something else all together, I found it! God has often used music to minister to me, I wish I knew how to post it here because music is powerful, but here are some of the key lyrics anyway.

"I'll go, but I cannot go alone,

cause I know I'm nothing on my own.

But the power of Christ in me makes my strong,

Cause when I'm weak You make me strong.

When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me.

Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability.

How refreshing to know You don't need me,

how amazing to find that You want me.

So I'll stand on Your truth

and I'll fight with Your strength,

until You bring the victory,

by the power of Christ in me.

To reach out with Your hands,

to learn through Your eyes,

to love with the love of a Savior,

to feel with Your heart,

and to think with Your mind..."

["In Me" by Casting Crowns]

I went to service and sang some excellent songs, here are lyrics to one:

Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like You have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

Everything I am for Your Kingdoms cause

As I walk from earth into eternity...

Then guess what the sermon was on ... fear.

He asked "Why are you afraid?" , talked about the disciples being fearful in Matt.8 and the Isrealites being fearful in Exodus 14.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control."
2 Tim. 1:7 (amplified version)

Fear comes from forgetting who we are - from having the wrong vantage point of view...looking up into the dark cloud and speculating - rather then looking at it with God's perspective and seeing the white of the cloud. (Pastor Rod's illustration)

My dad often refers to a book about the Eagle Christian. One thing has always stuck with me from that book. When dark clouds start to billow on the horizon most critters go for cover; but the eagle will perch on a tall tree and watch it come. Just before it hits, he soars above the storm and looks down on it.

"What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance on You." Psalm 56:3

Exodus 14:14 says "The Lord will fight for you, and you need only to be still."

As Rodney spoke of being still, keeping our eyes on Jesus will keep us in perfect peace... my mind went to my friend who just brought up butterflies on her blog. We are to die to ourselves, and be still in the chrysalis. If we fight and try to rush the process we only hurt ourselves. We need to ABIDE in Him, trusting His perfect timing. Funny enough, on a walk the kids and I took this afternoon, the girls found a caterpillar.

Service ended with:

"...So take me as You find me, all my fears and failures,
And fill my life again.
I give my life to follow everything I believe in..."

"Seeking" God isn't hard if we just look around us ;)

Side note: For more on butterflies go to 'lettersofhope'at the bottom of the page and look up Sept.23/07 "Butterflies" and Oct.6/07 "Prisoners of hope" ;D

Side note 2: it's time for the new moon, I have thought a lot about the moon since it's last full cycle ... it reflects the light of the sun in a dark world - just as I am to reflect the light of the Son in the world.

so far TODAY:

I had a herbal cleanse tea, a glass of water and half a banana

I had salad and walnuts for lunch

REALLY wanting chocolate... finished banana from breakfast instead

went for walk with kids and dog

8pm ... I started to fight that familiar headache again today... good sign ... usually takes a few 'good' days and then it will go away ... I call it a 'carb craver' ... I know, there are good carbs that you should eat to help you lose weight, but should you eat if you aren't physically tired!?

While fixing supper I had a granola bar and some walnuts,

For supper I had a few mini chicken drumsticks and a salad

Took the kids skating (except I don't have skates)

Had a bowl of 'plain' popcorn - I put quotations around 'plain' because it was microwave popcorn, and it always tastes like SOMEthing.

Look in the Mirror

I am struggling to know just what to say today. I want to share it all - but don't want to bore you ... don't want to be negative... don't want to air my filth.

"If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. BUT when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubt is like the waves of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he should receive anything from the Lord; he is a DOUBLE-MINDED man, unstable in all he does. ...
Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who LOOKS AT HIS FACE IN A MIRROR and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately FORGETS what he looks like." James 1:5-8;23-24 (NIV)

I could go on with a long list of health symptoms, some constant, some sporadic, but I think I will skip forward to last evening. I was in Canadian Tire to get a mat for our door that was on sale. I suddenly became very dizzy, light headed, fuzzy vision, then clear vision and feeling like I was on stilts; I worried that I was going to collapse. I went down a quiet aisle and took DEEP breaths and tried to stay calm, trying to look normal I went and bought a mat and went home. I immediately chewed on a Cal Mag (shown to improve chances if it was a heart attack), and couldn't find my aspirin. It was supper time and I tried to continue on. I lost it on one of my children, and I came downstairs, bawled and looked up symptoms. My child came down and we made up and she saw what I was reading. Of course all the sites talk about how women don't even realize they are having heart attacks, its mostly men that get the whole left arm and chest pain thing. I had 90% of the symptoms listed - including abnormally fatigued for duration of time, heartburn, irritable, anxious and fearful feeling... It was recommended that I seek medical attention and to stop worrying about looking silly if it wasn't - it could prevent serious damage. So I talked to the kids, instructed them that if their dad called NOT to say "Oh mom thinks she's having is a heart attack and is in the hospital." And off I went.
Back up now to the hour before I was in the store. I came home, a strange mixture of emotions bubbling over, about multiple things, and I consciously said 'screw it'. I had a piece of toast and a bowl of cereal and a bit of peanut butter! Of course, none of it had tasted as good as I had remembered. And now of course I felt ashamed, mad, flustered. And now, taking myself to the hospital I pleaded with God. And James 1:23-24 resonated in my being. I thanked God for the kick in the butt, the poignant reminder, and asked for more time to try to 'get it right'.

My aunt, in her 80's, has successfully lost weight and kept it off with Dr. Strand's teaching. I don't want a program and more info when I can't implement what I already know, I keep thinking when I am successful for a week or two in row, then I'll give her a call and start implementing more. But I am sure it comes across as lazy or dumb or uncaring. You know those people who have serious conditions and know they will die if they don't change their lifestyle - but they still don't ... I've heard how they are talked about. I desperately don't want to be that person. I desperately don't want to be the person who looks in the mirror and immediately forgets.


My mom has sent me all kinds of helpful information. I have a Type 1 diabetic daughter and I have caved to the artificial sweeteners - even knowing that I may as well be pouring Lysol in a cup. When she sent me the information I appreciate it ... and then wonder why anxiety and fear seem to be my response. Why does fear seem to be so prevalent in my life? The blog I deleted earlier this week resounded with 'I'm tired of...' and 'fear of...'. But I guess I should have left it, cause here it comes again...
I am tired of failing. I'm tired of settling for mediocre. I'm tired of others only expecting mediocre ... except one ... of whom I'm tired of being condescended to and made to feel that nothing I say or do is good enough. I'm tired of not being able to apply what I know. I'm tired of doubting and being double-minded. I'm tired of feeling that I am loved - not for who I am - but because of who the other person is. My dad always poured love over me and praised me, but he was rarely home and I was always puzzled thinking 'you don't know me though'. He loves me because I am his daughter. Jesus died for the world - for everyone - not ME. He loves me because I am part of humanity. My husband loves me because I'm his wife and he is an honorable man.

Fear is opposite of faith, and I want to be a woman of faith. Yet fear seems to continue coming up. Fear of conflict has me walking on glass. Fear of judgement has me avoiding people and situations. Fear of failure has me cowering in the corner...

When I got home from the hospital - "It's just symptoms of anxiety, you aren't going to die or anything. If your anxiety is short termed you'll be fine, otherwise come into the clinic and we'll discuss long term..." - my son handed me some popcorn he had saved for me - I ate it. Then I proceeded to eat some of the cookies I had made. I just looked in the 'mirror'! WHAT WAS I THINKING? Now there's a loaded question!

So here I sit
- surprised I'm still 2 pounds less then when I started considering the last couple weeks (Half way through it HAD been 5-7 pounds)
- and on the precipice of starting a new 4 weeks.

I need to lay off the coffee.
I need to drink much more water.
I need to continue to supplement - and get better ones when we can afford them.
I need to eat more salads.
What would my ideal day look like?

• Treadmill for 20 minutes and floor excercises


• Quiet time in worship and prayer


• Breakfast: - 1/2 cup oats, 1 Tbsp B sugar, 1 apple, a few walnuts. OR 1 Ryvita with a bit of EDSmith jam and a few walnuts


• A day of love and joy with my children, husband and students.


• Lunch: - salad or container of fresh cut veggies, some walnuts or lean meat, a fruit


• A nice walk with my dog.


• Supper: - salad and a lean meat or bean dish (although the family won't even try that! ... and of course I make potatoe/pasta for family)


• Time spent with my family, making memories.


• Another good 40 minute work out on treadmill, a nice cool shower , followed by a relaxing bath, tuck the kids in with love and have some love making time with my husband.


• Water throughout the day, with maybe some herbal tea in the evening.

Throw in some lane swim in the mornings, some volleyball in the evenings, some bike rides/sledding/pooletc. with the family ...

People say that you should try to just change one thing at a time. So I look over the last four weeks and think about what has become habit...

"Habit is the ability to act upon common duties or tasks without the necessity of deliberation. It is doing what should be done without having to think about it. Of all the mental muscles, habit is perhaps the most noticeable, regardless whether it is weak or strong..." [Clay and Sally Clarkson's book "Educating the Wholehearted Child" 1994]

"We have lost sight of the fact that habit is to life what rails are to transport cars. ... More, habit is inevitable. If we fail to ease life by laying down habits of right thinking and right acting, habits of wrong thinking and wrong acting fix themselves of their own accord." [Charlotte Mason "A Philosophy of Education" 1925]

Two good things have come of the first challenge ...
The oatmeal breakfast and walking our dog after school.

Sleep seems to be a vitally important part of my success. I can't always get a good nights rest - but I do need to give myself permission to rest without feeling like I will be called lazy, or worry about all the stuff I'm not getting done.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your mercy and grace. Thank You for this amazing body that You've given me. I ask - in faith - that You would create a clean heart in me, renew a right, persevering and steadfast spirit within me, and speak loud and clear into my soul, daily, moment by moment, by Your Holy Spirit, teaching me to glorify You in my body, which is my reasonable service! May I be freed from the habit and hold of food, that I may run a good race, embracing life without fear. I surrender the next 4 weeks to You. May I make time in the mornings, time involving NOT looking at the clock and rushing, to truly ABIDE in You. I miss 'us' and long to walk in Your shadow. In the authority of Jesus' name I pray, Amen (let it be).

What a way to end the first challenge

Well, total 2 pounds lost in 4 weeks - was 5-7 - spent my last night in the hospital worried about my heart ... lovely.

A new day, A new hope

I let two days go by and didn't blog.
I blogged last night, but have chosen to delete it.
'Venting' solves nothing.
This is like a diary, but not my diary.
Today is a new day...


It's quiet and early, I am about to be exposed to another day .... a day that will never come again. So I will choose ... not just now, but every moment throughout the day ... I will choose "surrender".

"I choose gentleness ... If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. ... I choose self-control... I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. ..." [Max Lucado - "When God Whispers Your Name"]


"What heights of love! ...
What depths of peace!...
When fears are stilled, When strivings cease! ...
In the love of Christ I'll stand...
In the death of Christ I live..."
[Adrienne Liesching - "In Christ Alone" -song]



"Without Your filling, I have nothing to give,
Without Your blessing, I have no way to live..."
[Rebecca Oehlerking - "You Are"- 2001 by my sister]



"It's not how many times we fall,
but how many times we get back up again"
[unknown ...]

1/2 cup oats, 1 apple, 2tsp sugar/cinnamon mix
3 coffees
1 pear
1 banana
1 granola bar
container of broccoli, celery and carrots
5 mini drumsticks
1/4 cup Spanish rice
2 small hand fulls of chocolate chips
1 handful of sesame seeds in their shells
1 jug water

Walked Tucker
shovelled snow

Choose

I am same weight today. Official weigh in number for week 3 is 0.

LOVE. I plead with you, my reader, to refer to my aunt's blog (lettersofhope - found at the bottom of my blog), as she does a wonderful job explaining what true love is ... and today I may reread her blog a couple times, as, in all honesty, I am not walking in it.


Max Lucado wrote a book entitled "When God Whispers Your Name", I am going to quote chapter 11, entitled "The Choice" (- if I am enfringing upon copyrights, please contact me.)

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.
In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the ealy morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met.
For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I choose love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical ... the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less that human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I choose gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I choose self-control ...
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for not loving the way You love; forgive me for not abiding in You - like the apple tree illustration You gave me. Thank You for Mr. Lucado, my Aunty Eulene, my sister and all the others You've put in my life to help me and love me - to be Your hands and mouthpiece in my life. I ask for a special blessing on them. Lord Jesus, I pray that You teach me how to surrender my body - truly - to You. I am "crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not me, but Christ lives in me. The life which I now live , I live by faith in the Son of God, Who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Gla.2:20) Therefore, I urge myself, in the view of God's mercy, to offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to You, which is my REASONABLE service. I will no longer be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind... (Rom.12:1) It is not by my might, nor by my power, but by the power of Your Holy Spirit. I invite You afresh and surrender today into Your capable hands. For You are able to do exceedingly abundantly above what I could ask or think! And You are able to keep me from falling. I lift my marriage and family to You, may we be bond together with the Chord that cannot be broken. Teach me to love the way You love me! In Your name Jesus, Amen.

Final day of awful week - entitling this one "Crap and Glue"

I really wanted to be totally focused on my children and the added reasons they give me to battle my issues. I suppose tonight they are the glue.

You need to know up front that I am not in a good place right now. My highlight all evening was a 30 second conversation between two strangers and myself in a grocery line. Last night all 3 of my kids (and dog) were up with things that required my time, I am sure I saw every hour. Needless to say, starting the night already feeling tired, I am wonky today.

I ate crap, I feel like crap and now my thoughts are crap.

At times like this I remind myself of the research that my sister shared about how most divorces occur when the kids are entering, or are in, their teen years - right when they need the unity and stability of a mother and father. Neither my sister or I feel this is coincidence - but a spiritual battle for families.

Hence my kids being glue tonight.

Honesty hurts ... but here is today:

• 3 caramels and 1/2 cup of oatmeal with B sugar
• coffee
• a chocolate bar, 2 granola bars, more coffee
• I WALKED TUCKER (it's icy out there!)
• chips and chocolate chips
• I went on the TREADMILL for 20 minutes (with great effort!).
• I had salad and corn, and I did have a little of the scalloped potatoes and ham.
• chocolate bar
• plan to eat whatever the ** I want tonight...

I erased all the other details ...

Last night when I was on the treadmill I started to listen to Dr. Caroline Leaf's DVDs again - "Who Switched Off My Brain". I need to guard my thoughts. Part of me wants to delete all this and start again - but honesty is needed - I don't want to veneer over my life - I'd rather have solid oak.

A new co-worker surprised me with a wonderful card and note and gift this morning. I made everyone laugh. My kids did a great job on the chores I set out for them to do today.

And as I type out the positive things, as I try to get over the negative Aura, I hear more tense voices floating down the stairs.

J.O.Y. = Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. ... Having children teaches you to self sacrifice. ( I wonder then what having a husband does!? ;D)

They say you hurt the people closest to you - not if you choose to love them. I did actions to love tonight during my anger, and did not do it with the best attitude. Now I need to maintain my settled state - put a smile on my face - and go enjoy some cuddle time with my kids as they finish their movie. I had an awful day and need some 'glue' time before I finally allow my hurting and tired eyes to close on this day ...

Tomorrow? Weigh in will be bad - but thank God -

His mercies are new every morning!

For My Children - No Easy Way Out

(Photos courtesy of Shalene Dawn Photography)

"There will be a time when there will be no slamming of doors,

no toys on the stairs,

no childhood quarrels,

no fingerprints on the wall paper,

Then may I look back with joy and not regret.

There will be a time to concentrate on service outside my home

On visiting the sick, the bereaved, the discouraged, the untaught.

To give myself to the 'least of these'.

There will be a time to look back and know that these years of motherhood were not wasted.

I pray there will be a time to see him* an upright and honest man*,

Loving God and serving all.

God give me the wisdom to see that today is my day with my children.

That there is no unimportant moment in their lives.

May I know that no career is so precious

No other work so rewarding

No other task so urgent

May I not defer it nor neglect it

But by Thy Spirit accept it gladly, joyously and by Thy grace realize

That the time is short and my time is now,

For children won't wait!"

Last part of Helen M. Young's poem - "Children Won't Wait"

This poem doesn't have a lot to do with my entry - but I have to start these next several days with this poem.

4pm

I had a rough night last night. I got home and actually took the bread out of the fridge, felt the soft grain in my hand ... and put it back. Don't be too quick to give a pat on my back! I haven't gone on the treadmill in ... 5 days now? I haven't eaten very healthy. And quite frankly, feel foolish for having this blog. Although I do appreciate the encouraging notes Judy, thank you. Anyway, I put the bread away and rushed down here to write on the blog. It snowed today, so while the computer booted up I started a fire, and wondered what to write. When I am tired and I reach for energy in the form of food, I am taking the easy way out.

I had a relatively easy time with my pregnancies and birthing my children. Nothing was planned, I didn't have meds, I didn't have a stitch, nursing went smoothly ... the biggest complaint would have been when my son's collar bone got caught on my right hip (still gives me grief). But I think its human nature that we seek out the easiest, fastest ways. I wonder if I would have persevered through the pain if I had had an option in birth - yet here, on the other side - I wouldn't change it for the world! I have a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Our society perpetuates following the instant and easy way. But what is lost with that? We expect too much from others, we demand what we want when we want it, we are lazy and self centered, with no concept of work, integrity or longevity. (*"we" referring to our general North American society)[Ok, this could turn into a tangent way too easily, so I best leave it there!]

So perhaps I need to look at becoming physically healthy like labor!? It's *@! hard, but the outcome will be well worth the effort?

Therefore, I commit to you, here and now, that I will go walk Tucker in the cold and wet (even feeling cold, under the weather, and tired ... am I getting sympathy points? :) ), and I will go on the Treadmill - whether I am able to push it or not.

I will not take the easy way out.

7:45pm

I forgot to let you know what I ate today:

• 1/2 cup oats with B sugar, 2 coffee
• 1 apple, 1 banana, 2 granola bars, 1 jujube and 1 mini, diabetic dark chocolate
• 2 pork chops, a little bit of potatoe and carrots, ice tea

I HAVE walked TUCKER - and it was a good pace. Invigorating, but my ears still hurt a bit...brrr!

I am about to get on treadmill for 20 minutes ... I am sure it will be invigorating, ... just as sure that doing this infront of this hot wood stove isn't the brightest idea! Sweat if off girl!! ;D