My ugly ranting - pt2

*IF you are going to read this at all - please read both parts through, AND my comment. Don't just read part of it as you will think me a whiny spoiled child!!!

On the way to get groceries there was a man and woman pushing a baby stroller that were trying to cross the street where there was no cross walk. The traffic was busy and I simply carried on through. I instantly fought tears and felt a heavy heart because I should have stopped.

These simple daily things overwhelm me at times and I find daily tasks difficult. Then I become angry because I'm quite aware that this is all ridiculous.

While shopping I did make a point of returning loose carts in the parking lot to the 'corral'.
Over the last month I have used all my personal savings on groceries, prescriptions, etc... I used the $20 worth of Sobey's points I had saved to buy a birthday gift for a friend/coworker/children's teacher. Now I have no buffer zone at all.

I went to the drug store to look for allergy medicine for Roger and picked up a $0.99 card and $0.99 stickers for my neice's birthday.

I drive a truck with a cab for three that I take myself and three children to school in every day. The transmission is showing signs of trouble and I have to undo my window to open my door.

I had increasing 'hormonal hair' issues since I started having kids. After having to shave my face daily, contemplating different treatments, hating to spend money we don't have on something so vain, and my husband insisting I go ahead with it - I have now gone for 2 - $150 treatments and am already seeing a great improvement. However, I fight guilt for this extravagance, particularily on days like today when my man's voice is raised, and I see him red faced and vibrating, trying to figure out how to pay our bills.
Crazy thing is, right after, he's talking about a new BBQ (ours is falling off its stand and he has 'jimmied' it for now), fixing the shower (that has cracks in it that we've tried to seal for a good 5 years, and have meant to do something with over the last 3 years), and a vehicle for me ($5000 range).
I spoke up today and said we don't have money for a BBQ, he pointed out that we need one - I said we just won't BBQ(we BBQ ALOT). When he started talking of the other two things I 'busied' myself away from the table.

I feel guilt for the $2 spent on my neice! AND I feel guilty for the pidly $2 gift for my neice.

I haven't even brought up the concern I have about the FBN books (Roger's business), how I struggle to find the time to keep up on them, and then the lack of confidence in doing them, and have woken up dreaming of losing everything because of my lack of knowledge.

I am like a jack of all trades - doing it all, but none of it well. Majority of the time lately I battle the thoughts of running away - abandoning everyone and living as a recluse; or throwing the kids in Public school, getting some mindless grunt job in the oil patch (would be good for my weight issues!), and focusing just on my immediate family.

I also get tired of being argued with by my children, students and husband. There are even times I restate something in agreement with them -'Yah, I know what you mean, its like...' - and then their response is as though we are in an argument. SO often I have thought to myself - 'just shut up Ruth, just keep your mouth shut!'

I know this all has sounded ridiculous. I know I need to
walk in
faith not fear,
love not duty,
heart not expectation.

I am ashamed of the last blog and this one, but this IS entitled "Ruthie's challenges"! I don't want anyone patting me on the back and reassuring me I'm all wrong, that they love me so much. The only one allowed to do that is my husband ... and you know today, he loved on me even though all weekend I have tried very hard to live in my own bubble. I am SO blessed to have him for my husband.

END OF RANTING!!!