Aware of Expectations-pt1

*If you are going to read this at all - you need to read both parts AND my comment on the end of the second - or you will think me a whiny,spoiled child!!

My Expectations of myself...
Proverbs 31 woman: (you'll see summary when I am done each verse)

As a wife: To have home stocked with what he needs, to participate his needs, to ensure sexual satisfaction at least every other day, to have him feel that I am fully behind him and that I only build him up, to have him think of me as beautiful, fun and smart.

As a mother: To always answer with love and tenderness, to always be there - putting down whatever I am in the midst of for their needs, to have the wisdom and discernment to know how to effectively discipline, teach and train them, to facilitate their dreams and goals.

As a staff and parent at the school: To always be at my best with coworkers and students, to fulfill my role well, to follow through with the ideas I have.

As a church 'member': To follow through with all the things I see needed - Sunday School teacher, back ground work and help, helping with social gatherings, visiting and having people over to my home, to physically help out in homes that need it ...

As a daughter: To care for and bless my folks for all they have done and for who they are - yard and house work, renovations, finances...

As a sibling/Aunt: To call regularily, to send cards and gifts consistently (or at all!), to be there at the drop of a hat when I can hear tiredness,etc. in their voice...

As a friend: To connect often enough to keep a friendship, to send cards and gifts at birthdays, to surprise with things like home made soup when sick or a gift of some sort just because.

Years ago my dad and I went for some special testing at a ... er, can't recall the right word at the moment, the high intense herbal drops you hold under your tongue... anyway... Mom has reminded me that my test came back very high in one particular area - awareness.

I am aware there are at least 2 families in my church that need emotional and financial support right now.

I am aware that my sister is battling cancer and I have done virtually nothing to help her out.

I am aware that one of my brother's life has been very stressful and I have done nothing to alleviate it.

I am aware that there is turmoil in the school and feel helpless to help, and that our finances are in great need and am struggling to do enough.

I am aware that my mind is often not on my work at hand.

I am aware that my 70 year old parents are still working - dad full time away from home, and my mom hard around the large home and land. My siblings have helped and blessed them greatly but I have done nothing - in fact, they still bless me with things like money to go to a prayer retreat!

I am aware that my neice and nephews on my husband's side don't know us and could probably care less because I haven't reached out to them.

My neices and nephews on my side are lucky if they even get a simple card for their birthday - and lets not bring up Christmas!

I am aware my kids are frustrated because they see their friend's with cell phones, allowances, holidays (outside country and not 'just' visiting grandparents), etc.

I am aware my husband feels that I never listen to him, that I am not a good steward of his home or money...

I am aware of my husband's frustrations regarding work, house cleanliness and finances, and am aware I fall short in alleviating any of it.

I am aware I have friends who are hurt because I don't keep in better contact.

I am aware of my many friends here in town that I always say we'll get together and yet never do.

I am acutely aware when I see a need and am not filling it.

I am aware that because I am not educated I am not bringing into the home what I could be - but that we can't afford me to get certified as a teacher...

I am aware that I am not present with my children the way I should be.

I am aware that I have not stayed on top of my daughters Type 1 diabetes, and largely blame my own issues with food for struggling to help her - and now my own daughter's health is at risk because of me.

I am aware I have been nothing but blessed and protected in my life and yet I have all these internal issues, while others are struggling with legitimate health issues, marital distress, job loss, etc.

I am aware of feeling like I do nothing right and I only disappoint. Yah, yah, I know, "Oh no Ruth! You are great! We love you!" ... I DO appreciate that,
but I am not living up to expectation and it is humbling and at times heart wrenching.

This summer I want to send Christine to diabetic camp (none of my kids have ever been to one), I want to spend time in Jasper with Samantha(something she has wanted for a year), I want to get my kids the shelving they need in their rooms, I want to spend at least one good week at my mom's helping for the August Long Weekend, I want to plan a fabulous bridal shower for my neice and have the greatest shower and wedding gifts for her. I want to visit my brother in Saskatchewan. I want to spend time at our new school helping out and volunteering. I want to visit Wagners, Walderns, Prestons, Davis', Moores, Stephensons, DeJongs, Whytes, Couturiers, Nahamkos, Gullions, Boysons, Paquettes, Hahns, Dycks, and so many more including neighbors ...

But instead I think I will be getting a summer job, hope to squeeze in diabetic camp and August long weekend, and try to get caught up on things like washing my windows ... and instead of making impacts that are meaningful and lasting, I will simply help get our family by for another summer.


Yes, I am aware of expectations - and am acutely aware when I fail.

That's why the email from Gloria regarding silver, and my Aunt's blog have been timely ... and somehow I will once again shrug this off and carry on in my daily actions that have to get done. Maybe one day the fog will lift.

(yes, a miserable blog I know)