For years now I have grappled with 'abiding in Him' - which you can read from this blog page for better understanding - I recall the overwhelming sense throughout the summer that it was time to bear fruit. God's timing was impeccable in opening John 15:16 to me, and His word continued to resignate in me. I struggled to understand as I have felt so empty and utterly poured out.
It is now 6 months later and my heart is broken and my spirit in turmoil.
I have been 'tossed and turned by every wind of doctrine' - sort to speak. On one hand I know, with that deep knowing, that God has His hand on my marriage. I can see evidence of my Jesus working on my behalf around every turn ... and yet ...
'oh ye of little faith', 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'...
Warning - this really needs editing - please either wait a while; or read with a grain of salt, confidentially, and with the understanding it is difficult to summarize years of emotions,etc.
1)My husband is an amazing husband - he truly is. I often hear women make their complaints, and I always think to myself how blessed I am by to have the husband I have. You can see some notes about him near the end of September 09. And God is doing a work in both of us. Yet I have fought some ugly things within myself for a long time. As great as he is to me directly, I struggle with how he behaves. He is quick tempered, he is easily angered and irritated by things that I consider very minor, his tone is often condescending, I find he contradicts himself - although he doesn't see it. I find him to be racist and to have a negative and tense air about him. I hate writing any of this because I KNOW his heart is NOT to come across so. I desire to love him, truly love him. To be the wind beneath his wings and to be his soul mate. Yet we are so different, and it makes it very difficult for me. So then I find myself in these emotional states that can easily run away on me and I find myself thinking things that are not at all helpful or beneficial to my marriage. My marriage being the covenant that I made before God and witnesses to love him, for better or worse, till death do us part. What God has put together, let not man put usunder.
I also see and wish to recognize here that our Creator made us to fit together, and to complete each other. Without me he may be over the top with discipline and expectations of the children, and ranting even more about every thing that doesn't suit him. Without him I may be a push over of a mom with a home like a zoo - in number of animals and mess! We need each other, we need to enhance and magnify each other's strong points, and encourage lovingly and discreetly the weak points (yes, I see the contradiction as I blog about it!).
Majority of divorces happen when children are teenagers - right when they need a stable home. Coincidence? Hmm...
2)I have a friendship with someone that I truly respect and deeply love. This woman's philosophy on life and her walk in love for her fellow man is what I believe a Christian's life should look like. She believes what she believes out of careful searching and true conviction. We can talk about our creator, faith, prayer, family, homebirths and breastfeeding, and on and on. She pushed my faith hard - not in a desire to 'convert' - but just from an open and deep friendship that has great mutual respect.
Yet she doesn't believe in Jesus. She has witnessed first hand the manipulation and power tool that the Bible and 'religion' can be in man's hand. She has very strong intellectual arguments that I can not refute. It has, at times in the past, felt like I was the battered woman at the hospital trying to explain to the officer that he doesn't understand just how much the man who beats me loves me.
Yet how can I possibly deny God, my personal convictions or experiences. But in sincere truth I was going to walk away from God, more than once. At the height of my frustration, having set in my mind to walk away, unknown to the ladies, I was taking my last stab for God and attended my last prayer meeting. As it ended I was secretly saying goodbye to all of it. But God in His great mercy drew me in. Two obedient women stopped me, physically, from leaving as they sensed a necessity to pray for me. They knew nothing. They began interceding in a way they had never experienced(nor had I heard!). And word's of knowledge and visions were given. I left in tears, and both of them bewildered. The next morning I opened the Word, seeking out one thing, but God had other plans. The words leapt off the page and confirmed everything the ladies envisioned. I wept. Then I called them to confirm and try to give a bit of explanation - which they gladly accepted because they were doubting that they had heard or saw anything correctly.
Yet, here I am still very much drawn into this woman's life. I so long for her family to know Jesus like I do - yet I also long for Christians to know her as I do. Generally speaking, 'North American Christians' are nothing more than Sunday pew warmers. We don't know, really, what we believe or why we believe it. We come across as (and sadly are often truly) ignorant, selfish, hypocritical and judgmental. We do not reflect Christ at all. Seeing "the church" through her eyes opened mine to just how far we fall short of our calling. (I know this to NOT be true of SO many, yet as a whole, that seems to be where we are digging the image out of)
Shortly after this drawing of my heart back to God we suddenly moved. I left knowing that I had to throw everything out the window except for some very key foundational things - that I took 100% on faith, at that point, and not on intellectual or emotional bases. We moved to a location where I was now in close contact with those that didn't celebrate Christmas or Easter because of the pagan roots, etc. - which my girlfriend explained very well to me, seeing as she celebrates the originals. So my battle went from Bible vrs. no Bible to Old Testament vrs. New Testament.
This battle still continues. I open the Word and I can hear my girlfriend's voice, my cousin's voice, and my voice ... and am continually seeking to discern and longing to hear only HIS voice.
This is tough to summarize and still make sense. My friend loves me and the last thing she wants is to see me struggle. All of my opening statement about her motivate me to also walk true to whom I am made to be. The struggle is within my own soul. It becomes difficultly intertwined, when I am in the midst of the struggle mentioned briefly in my "#1", because I see her pursuing her heart and I see her family encouraging her, and she able to encourage them, and I long to have the same kind of relationship. Open communication where one is not told to get to the point, or having eyes rolled at their ideas. An environment where each family member feels - and is - safe, loved and built up to be a better person with each passing day.
Her path has led her where I cannot follow, perhaps part of my turmoil is feeling that separation and not liking it. I have made the conscious decision that, although I do love her, I choose Jesus.
3) Now to today. My eldest has had some issues building for about 6 years now. Everything came to a head in June of 09. I dropped everything in pursuit for my daughter's heart and some open communication. Once the communication opened I applauded every honest move - no matter if it hurt. One major point would be her 'dislike' for God, yet I told her that even though this, of course, concerns and hurts me - that I still love her unconditionally, that I am here to facilitate her becoming the amazing young woman I know she is created to be, that I want to help and encourage her. I did add the however. However, regardless of your beliefs, dreams, goals... some things simply are unacceptable, like lies, manipulation, deceit and purposely hurting other fellow human beings.
I am nervous sharing so openly, you can know there are deep issues that are simply taken to the feet of Jesus.
Issues still rear their ugly head, and she is now entering a three day suspension with some severe consequences at home (and one parent leary of the other's reaction that will soon be here, and trying to not show it). We are not always going to 'click' with those in authority over us. We need to learn to take the good and let the bad roll off. We need to be humble and teachable in order to excell in life. Yet, regardless of how we approach it, she chooses to be disrespectful. And now, in trying to hear her side, I ache as she tells me, while looking in my eye and without a hint of emotion, that ---edited--- Needless to say, it is now not only a 'school issue', and I have removed some of the privileges that she must think as her right. Have I not taught my children, have they not seen the programs, ... oh darlin', life could be much worse!
She is much like her father in many ways, and I sincerely don't understand either of them a lot of the time.(well, not completely true, its more so my daughter I don't understand - and I am NOT implying the 'negatives' come from her dad! Much of her humor, looks, and out look on life is what I refer to) How can one reach out to a loved one without being able to be where they are? I have often prided myself in being able to see things from the other's perspective and have always felt that a little justification into a person's feelings can go a long way. But how does one start when they truly don't understand where someone's emotions and thoughts are stemming from? Huh, perhaps this is part of my part in this big 'lesson learning time'. I love my daugher very much. I know she puts up walls very easily. If something comes up that she is not confident in she will bauch and say she doesn't even want to try, saying its stupid, etc. She is scared of groups of people, or people she doesn't know, preferring to live in a book in the basement. I don't have a problem letting her be herself, so she's an introvert, that's perfectly ok; but at the same time, she does need to stretch, and face her fear now and then, or she'll miss out on so much of life! If she is hurt, or thinks she may come across as dumb, she'd rather come across as a b*@!#, than show herself vulnerable. At the same time, she is extremely self centered and unrealistic. (Told a friend that we never let her do anything, yet for months we had been doing everything, except physically removing her from the house, to find something that she would like to do - anything!)
Now add into all this scenario - your daughter talks to her siblings about hoping you divorce - and seemingly for a lot of the same issues you have yourself at times.
At times like this I am glad I don't have to rely on my own wiles, or wisdom of men. In my spirit, as I write this and assess it all, I know that there is a battle for my family and unity thereof. My aunt just wrote a new post on her blog (lettersofhope.wordpress.com - you can find a link at bottom) regarding God upholding us. It was the first thing I read as I logged on - once again I wonder at God's timing! He WILL uphold us as we battle for our love. There is much my family has that is SO worth fighting for!
so...
He knows Samantha better than she even knows herself - and it is Him who chose me for her mom - and it is Him who can give me the word's of knowledge, insight, discernment and wisdom to love my daughter in a way that will most benefit her.
He knows my girlfriend, has since before the foundation of the world, and my prayer will always be that she know Him - even more intimately than I. I am pursuaded that He is able to keep me, and that my friendship with her has been no accident. I will to continue to love my friend.
He knows Roger and I, He knew we would need each other - even in times when we don't necessarily even want each other. He knew we'd make the choices we made and He knew He would entrust three beautiful children to our care. He is faithful and is able to work out all things for the good for those that love Him. He is faithful to complete every good work He has started - and it is indeed a very good work! :)
So...Let me reinstate and update some of my goals from 6 months ago.
-to laugh at least once with my family daily
-to hug each of my children at least 3x daily
-to guard my thoughts
-to love my husband with my whole being, believing in the man God has destined him to be.
-to laugh with the students once a day
-to eat right with grace
(all this turmoil in an emotional eaters life requires much grace!)
-to relax in faith, rather then stress in fear,
and take each day as it comes
-to pursue time alone with God every day,
for it is in Him that I desire to move and breathe
-to walk or excercise in some fashion at least 4x weekly
(I have to start somewhere people!)
I close with some excerpts from some songs:
Psalm 34:17-19 "The righteous cry, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saves such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
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I love you Ruthie. the Hardest part for me is seeing you suffer. I know God as you know him, our words are different , our actions are different, but they are both done for God, God knows this. I do believe in Jesus you know...why do you think I used the name Magdelene Inspired? She was Jesus' wife. I know, a fairly renegade statement, but suspend your disbelif for moment and imagine if this were the case, if the Bible, as we know it, got this part confused. If Magdelene was his wife, how would she go about that? How can one be an earthly wife to God? I believe in Jesus silly, he was a poet and a compassionate heart like the world have never seen, a man with an artists heart, he died beliving in HIMSELF! He chose to see his glory, which any human can tell you is not easy. I believe he and I both want the same for you Ruthie, for you to see your own glory.
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