Pondering Favoritism

I took our dog Tucker to my cousin Tim's house today. We only have a pick up, so two of my kids went to friend's homes, and Christine came with me to the city. Between regular hospital and orthodontic appointments I have had the pleasure of some uninterrupted chat time with my girls - and of all my kids, Christine can talk. :) Today was no exception.

She says she loves that she can talk to me, and it is very much recipricated! She talks about heart hurts, whats going on with friends, school, teachers, her perspective on our home, her dreams. She is bluntly honest, even honest enough to say "no offense mom, but some things are just better to talk about with girlfriends".

Today a topic came up with her that had arisen with my other two previously this week, they have made it abundantly clear that each feel unspecial, not as loved as the others, and not favored. This is a hard pill to swallow.

I recall the same emotions - my sister is a hard act to live up to :) - I recall coming to the conclusion that its ok that they love her more because they love my tons, and thats enough. Now, as a parent, I am hurt that the love I have given has not been enough some how; and flustered because I really don't know what else to do.

I have edited this as I could go on with examples of friends and success stories they could tell in raising kids, I could go on with my personal struggles parenting, I could go on explaining each of my child's unique 'circumstance' and feelings - ligitimate and not ...

Each one of us has something within us that desires to be the noticed one, the loved and appreciated one. Movies feed our fantasy of being that one chosen soul mate, that best mom, the best step mom, the best ____. Is that desire wrong? I don't think so.

Everyone of us also have a different 'love language'. As we muttle through as parents we search out our children's and do our best to meet it. We desire to facilitate our children, to be the wind beneath their wings, their favorite cheer leader and confidant.

Equal is not fair. I knew from the get-go of parenting that I am of that personality that I'm always trying to make things equal (so no one would misconstrue anything and be hurt). Yet, here I am, with three children questioning their position in our home and in life.

Ah, position. Confidence. If I am confident that I am the best I can be, that I am truly loved for who I am, and am who I am meant to be - then I can truly live by Phillipians 2:3 - 'let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.'.

I'm not talking about that self-destructive and false humilty, or always thinking 'woa-is-me, everyone is so much better' - no. Rather, its about recognizing that each of us is uniquely created and appreciating that fact. Understanding that all we have, and can be, comes from our Creator. If I am a Will Smith - successful in music, sit-coms, and movies - then the thanks belongs to God. If I am a custodian that does not seem to excel in anything particular - then the thanks still belongs to God. Our only hand in any of it is "Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your whole heart."

Then, when the love and praise come we can smile and say thank you. And when its someone else's turn, then we can join in and applaud them, without feeling that we have somehow lost favor because they have gained some.

And here again, I see yet another turn in this difficult entry! Is favor linked to praise? I favor my children, they have favor in my sight. Whether I am having to discipline them in something, or getting to cheer them on, they always have my favor. Yet somehow I have missed conveying that to them adequately.

I will continue to pursue blunt, honest and transparent communication with my children. I will continue to educate myself about who they are and what they need/want from me. And I will pray - for insight, discernment and wisdom.