Disjointed Soul Searching

Hearing myself talk to Christine on an old family video brought me to sobs, repulsion and regret. (Oh, it wasn't so bad that you should come and take the video down to the local authorities - but I really was not living in the moment, embracing my dear daughter. I quickly called her upstairs - and the poor, bewildered girl got hugs, kisses, apologies, and tons of 'I love you SO much'es!)

Cleaning up a back room I stumbled across, and read tidbits of, my diary from grade 12, and sit once again is awe of my stupidity and immaturity.

And with an always lingering question at my heels

- "Am I living intentionally?" -

I sit and ponder who I am and wonder if I really have changed at all, and if I will ever find the key I need to do so.

I am currently trying to listen to some teachings my cousin Tim gave me. One thing this man said was that
'discipline is not the problem, rather a lack of vision.'
He says with vision and clarity to our being, the discipline follows. I am looking forward to having time to listen more, especially on the part of building community - I am still sitting on my paper for the Body here in Slave entitled "The Messenger" - and am quickened to get back to it!


My husband and I recently discussed what we really want to do, have, be .... sadly, when I asked him "Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?" he responded "Still struggling".
I wish I had some concrete dream that I can say
"This is what I want and I'm going for it!".
I can see myself doing all sorts of jobs and careers.
What I DO envision and dream of is
WHO I want to be...
and that is not as tangible a thing to articulate.


Metamorphosis - 'Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...' ; 'Therefore if any woman be in Christ, she is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.'


Life is so short. What am I doing with it? What eternal thing am I allowing my Creator to build within me today? Faith is no good for yesterday, faith is for today, now.

If I truly believe the Holy Spirit dwells within me by faith - what am I doing today to 'release His Kingdom on earth'?


I sit and think of how I have failed, and even had a mild panic attack, regarding my lack of action within my friendship with a dear woman. A simple thing it would have been to pick up the phone, offer to let out the dogs, and yet somehow I never did it...
...I see glimpses of the person I want to be.

Yet am SO far from her, even in these simple things.


Yet I still hold hope.
I will continue to walk forward,
keeping my eyes and ears wide open,
dealing with my flesh issues of
weight, hormones and selfish emotions.
And trust that I am but the clay in a Potter's Hands,
Who is more than able to complete every good work in me!

(I have tried to upload a song - but still can't figure that one out - so here are the lyrics ...)

"...not because of who I am,

but because of what You've done;

not because of what I've done,

but because of Who You are...

I am flower quickly fading

here today and gone tomorrow,

a wave tossed in the ocean,

a vapor in the wind,

still You hear me when I'm calling,

Lord You catch me when I'm falling,

and You told me who I am...

I am Your's."