Appearances

When one is ashamed of their looks, and even uncomfortable in their skin,
they can hide out and isolate themselves,
or they can very shyly and timidly and guardedly (if thats a word) weave in and out of their day - cringing at every encounter,
or they can reach deep within and pull out the guts to shrug it off and live life with a full smile.
I have done all three. Usually the second.
But blooming where I am planted would require the third.

Back on the 2nd I went to see a couple old friends. I LOVE to see my friends - but I often have to force myself to see some of them because of my shame and insecurity. But I bullied my fears aside and went with a skip in my step. I very sincerely heard a squeel escape my lips as I ran into their wonderful arms. We talked, laughed, thought about life ... it was a drink for my soul.
But then I got home and my daughter and I started looking at photos from the evening. All the cringing and shame came flooding back. And I've been trying to pump out those black and sticky waters since. (I suppose TV and movies are partly to blame, you never see a great romance or even comedy with someone that looks like me. We belong on reality TV where, instead of people looking with wonder and pride for those who battle through to make changes in their lives, society tends to watch out of morbid curiosity and pity.)

I have overheard comments about other people that aren't so nice, and wonder what is said about me. Are people sincerely drawn to someone with joy regardless of their appearance, or is it just politeness while THEY fight cringing inside, feeling guilty for being thankful they don't look like that?

Over the years working at the school - as great as the kids are - I have come to the realization that youth have always made me squirm (even when I was one). When I started at the school, another woman started at the same time. We are both over weight - but our looks are quite different - different hair color, length and 'design', different facial characteristics, etc. Yet all they saw was the 'two new fat teachers' - I quote that because that is what I overheard. And for two years would have them come to me thinking I was her (she taught them not me!), or I'd say hello and they would look at me with that "oh shoot! Which one is this again?!" look.
Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of great teens that aren't superficial - even these at the school I would not label that way - but I'm trying to demonstrate the ugly truth of our human nature. And adults are no exception to the truth.

I KNOW my friends truly love me and accept me - I am beyond blessed with friends and family that support me and my Lord that has always protected me.

So I choose to bloom where I am planted - I will laugh even if it makes my fat jiggle, I will spring to action to throw a football around, I will focus on the other person's needs rather than my own, and I will trust the Creator to figure out how to make His garden beautiful - after all, He did plant me here.

Heavenly Father I pray You forgive me for caring so much more about what my fellow man thinks instead of what You think. Thank You for the good work You have done in me so far, and for being Faithful to complete what You have started! Thank You for Your mighty GRACE while I learn to let You prune, cultivate and fertilize me. I DO trust You, help me to KNOW that with a surrendered heart You CAN transform me - that I won't hinder all that You are trying to do! Help me to know how to abide in You in daily life, and to stop trying to pull my petals open before they are ready. I surrender to You and thank You for planting me here, I trust Your tender care while I bloom.