My husband ran across a booklet that I bought a while ago on detoxing. One of the signals for the need to detox is a foggy mind - boy do I relate to that! It is often difficult for me to know the truth behind my thoughts and emotions - and it drastically affects the person I am.
I do have times however when it's like driving out of a fog. I think, feel and sense with a clarity that is most refreshing. I wish I could run faster and pull myself completely away, I wish the sun would warm up and evaporate the fog from my heart's vision.
This must all sound ... odd. To explain further would require me trying to explain things that I prefer to keep to myself. Thoughts and emotions that are shameful and harsh and unreal. I have been blessed immeasurably in my life, I have tons of family and friends who truly care about me, I have a loving husband, three great kids, a home and security. I have been protected from fights, disputes and harsh words - this is driven home when my 13 year old has already experienced more heartache in friendships then I ever have. Yet I do not walk in the joy or freedom that my circumstances should only enhance.
Ok, here goes - without details - I struggle with my faith, I struggle to love my husband, I struggle to love my kids, and I am tossed to and fro between self defense and self mutilation. (no, I'm not cutting)
My life seems to come apart right before my 'moon'(adopted from friend), and then the most clarity comes for the short few days, then I seem to slowly sink back into the fog.
With starting my thyroid meds and hormone cream again - and eating better for the last few days - I am feeling hopeful to stay out of the fog.
My incredible parents are also 'sponsoring' me to go to a special prayer retreat - I only hope this is a divine appointment - I need a retreat. It will need to be a divine appointment because I got the application off way later then they wanted and even if I would be accepted there may not be room enough for me. I think it was mom's last visit on Valentines weekend that she saw a little first hand of the fear that has its grip on me.
Anyway - enough trying to articulate things to cyberspace which is equating to babble. A phrase that keeps resignating within me this morning is to
BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED
Perhaps this fog will reveal a much needed moisture and covering for this plant to bloom.
I do have times however when it's like driving out of a fog. I think, feel and sense with a clarity that is most refreshing. I wish I could run faster and pull myself completely away, I wish the sun would warm up and evaporate the fog from my heart's vision.
This must all sound ... odd. To explain further would require me trying to explain things that I prefer to keep to myself. Thoughts and emotions that are shameful and harsh and unreal. I have been blessed immeasurably in my life, I have tons of family and friends who truly care about me, I have a loving husband, three great kids, a home and security. I have been protected from fights, disputes and harsh words - this is driven home when my 13 year old has already experienced more heartache in friendships then I ever have. Yet I do not walk in the joy or freedom that my circumstances should only enhance.
Ok, here goes - without details - I struggle with my faith, I struggle to love my husband, I struggle to love my kids, and I am tossed to and fro between self defense and self mutilation. (no, I'm not cutting)
My life seems to come apart right before my 'moon'(adopted from friend), and then the most clarity comes for the short few days, then I seem to slowly sink back into the fog.
With starting my thyroid meds and hormone cream again - and eating better for the last few days - I am feeling hopeful to stay out of the fog.
My incredible parents are also 'sponsoring' me to go to a special prayer retreat - I only hope this is a divine appointment - I need a retreat. It will need to be a divine appointment because I got the application off way later then they wanted and even if I would be accepted there may not be room enough for me. I think it was mom's last visit on Valentines weekend that she saw a little first hand of the fear that has its grip on me.
Anyway - enough trying to articulate things to cyberspace which is equating to babble. A phrase that keeps resignating within me this morning is to
BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED
Perhaps this fog will reveal a much needed moisture and covering for this plant to bloom.
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