Blooming 4

Take some bulbs, the same for all intents and purposes, they are planted in the same place, with the same care and attention, and yet they grow differently ...

The following are two photos, one of the plant I have been 'following', with one tiny, not yet bloomed blossom on the right; the second is a foot away and has had a few blooms opening beautifully for a few days now ... and evidently will soon have much more color to burst forth in the warmth of the day.

Makes me ponder disappointment, comparison and contentment.

I've thought of many things to write, but think it best I end it with some of God's Word rather then man's philisophical thoughts:

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God?
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
'Why did you make me like this?'
Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes
and some for common use?"
(Rom.9:20-21)
"You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
'He did not make me'?
Can the pot say of the potter,
'He knows nothing'?"
(Is. 29:16)
"Yet, O Lord, You are the Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand."
(Is.64:8)
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm.
He said, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions?
Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?"
(Job 38:1-5) God continues to question Job for 4 chapters!

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly
and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."
(Micah 6:8)
"...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
Be completely humble
and gentle;
be patient,
bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Eph.4:1-3)
"But the fruit of the spirit is
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law."

Bloom where God has planted you and endeavour to be the best you He created you to be!

Blooming 3

The tulips are coming along nicely, and thankfully we've had some rain now too. As you can see in the following photo, some of the smaller tulips are actually showing some yellow! I figured since my photos ran on the 2 and 12th, it be only right I show the 22nd too! I am also pleased to report that my Tigerlilies and Peonies (sp!?) are showing their little heads through the dirt now too.

Another event just took place regarding plants. There were two very large black poplar trees in our neighbors back yard, and one more that was two thirds on their property, and one third on ours. The amount of leaves that fall every year fills many back yards, and the stickies in the spring cover everything - including their little dogs long hair every time it steps outside. So they came and talked to us and the decision was made to see them go. It is very sad.

It will be much hotter in our backyard now. When I needed to take five I could go out and lean back in a lawn chair with only their green/orange leaves and the blue sky in my vision and escape, now it seems so naked out there. The bird watching won't be as magnificent either. I'm not upset, just sad.

Change is tough, but inevitable. In life we sometimes need a little rain, a little fertilizer, a little weeding and pruning ... and we also sometimes need to utterly remove something from our lives. Too bad it isn't as easy as removing YEARS of growth in three black poplar trees.

It's not about...

Today a friend left a copy of some encouraging words in my mailbox shoot at the school. Considering the wild mixture of emotions and thoughts running through me I have chosen to share the words of encouragement here - perhaps typing them out will help settle my soul.

"It's not about following our career path

It's about following His call upon our lives.

(Matt. 16:24)

It's not about our self-efforts to live for Him;

It's about letting Him live His life in us.

(Gal. 2:20)

It's not about our attempts at self-improvement;

It's about His transforming grace.

(2Cor. 5:17)

It's not about our self-image;

Its' about being conformed to his image.

(Rom.8:29)

It's not about wanting the approval of others;

It's about having His approval.

(2 tim. 2:15)"

(Taken from "Roy's devotional at Meet Me in the Meadows")

Blooming 2

I find it's not the easiest thing to stay focused on the present, to be content with where one is in life.

I often find myself not 'present' with my children, and often feel convicted about it. This blooming where I am planted is tough, and I am realizing (again) just how selfish my heart is. Ok Lord, prune and hoe away!

Let's see how my tulips are doing with this ;) ...

"Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

(Phil. 4:12-13 - Message - one that crosses my mind when my 'dreaming' crosses the line of contentment)

My sister's letter (appearances!)

After writing this morning my mom received the most recent of my sister's letter "The Adventure Called Life". In it she discusses her body's struggle with cancer in Feb. of 08 ... a good two years ago. She entitled it "Appearances" and it opens with 1 Samuel 16:7

"But the Lord said to Samuel,

Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature,

for I have rejected him.

For the Lord sees not as man sees;

for man looks on the outward appearance,

but the Lord looks on the heart."

How timely Becca!

In her letter she shares how this was one of the worst times for her. She was retaining a LOT of fluid (due to her type 3 ovarian cancer for those who missed earlier blogs!) and some people had commented on how brave she was to have another baby. Their reaction was surprise as she shared the truth of her tummy, and of course she then shared her faith and the great God she serves! :)

From that she drew that, although for all appearance sake, she seemed to be carrying life within her, she was, in reality, carrying death. She goes on to apply that to Christian lives and ministries. (Of course her letter contains much more to chew on, but that's the essence of the appearance portion)

It's now April 2010, her tummy is swelled greatly and she is tired. Tomorrow she will have her tummy drained again, mom will find out how much and send out the results with her letter to numerous people. I love my sister so much and am so proud of her. If anyone is a living example of walking in faith, love and joy it is my sister. If there is anyone who demonstrates total surrender and faith in God it is her. If you are reading this, all your prayers are still very much coveted.

(picture taken in St.Albert when we hooked up for lunch.)

UPDATE!!! Becca averages the amount of fluid removed by the number of weeks since her last drainage. This is what my mom wrote in the update:

"Rebecca had her abdomen drained last Friday, April 9th. They removed 4500 ml of fluid and she added to that the 160 ml they removed before Christmas. The weekly average in September after 10 weeks was 730ml, in October after 6 weeks was 383 ml and this month after 24 weeks was 194ml. So it is coming down!"

Appearances

When one is ashamed of their looks, and even uncomfortable in their skin,
they can hide out and isolate themselves,
or they can very shyly and timidly and guardedly (if thats a word) weave in and out of their day - cringing at every encounter,
or they can reach deep within and pull out the guts to shrug it off and live life with a full smile.
I have done all three. Usually the second.
But blooming where I am planted would require the third.

Back on the 2nd I went to see a couple old friends. I LOVE to see my friends - but I often have to force myself to see some of them because of my shame and insecurity. But I bullied my fears aside and went with a skip in my step. I very sincerely heard a squeel escape my lips as I ran into their wonderful arms. We talked, laughed, thought about life ... it was a drink for my soul.
But then I got home and my daughter and I started looking at photos from the evening. All the cringing and shame came flooding back. And I've been trying to pump out those black and sticky waters since. (I suppose TV and movies are partly to blame, you never see a great romance or even comedy with someone that looks like me. We belong on reality TV where, instead of people looking with wonder and pride for those who battle through to make changes in their lives, society tends to watch out of morbid curiosity and pity.)

I have overheard comments about other people that aren't so nice, and wonder what is said about me. Are people sincerely drawn to someone with joy regardless of their appearance, or is it just politeness while THEY fight cringing inside, feeling guilty for being thankful they don't look like that?

Over the years working at the school - as great as the kids are - I have come to the realization that youth have always made me squirm (even when I was one). When I started at the school, another woman started at the same time. We are both over weight - but our looks are quite different - different hair color, length and 'design', different facial characteristics, etc. Yet all they saw was the 'two new fat teachers' - I quote that because that is what I overheard. And for two years would have them come to me thinking I was her (she taught them not me!), or I'd say hello and they would look at me with that "oh shoot! Which one is this again?!" look.
Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of great teens that aren't superficial - even these at the school I would not label that way - but I'm trying to demonstrate the ugly truth of our human nature. And adults are no exception to the truth.

I KNOW my friends truly love me and accept me - I am beyond blessed with friends and family that support me and my Lord that has always protected me.

So I choose to bloom where I am planted - I will laugh even if it makes my fat jiggle, I will spring to action to throw a football around, I will focus on the other person's needs rather than my own, and I will trust the Creator to figure out how to make His garden beautiful - after all, He did plant me here.

Heavenly Father I pray You forgive me for caring so much more about what my fellow man thinks instead of what You think. Thank You for the good work You have done in me so far, and for being Faithful to complete what You have started! Thank You for Your mighty GRACE while I learn to let You prune, cultivate and fertilize me. I DO trust You, help me to KNOW that with a surrendered heart You CAN transform me - that I won't hinder all that You are trying to do! Help me to know how to abide in You in daily life, and to stop trying to pull my petals open before they are ready. I surrender to You and thank You for planting me here, I trust Your tender care while I bloom.

Blooming 1

I love my tulips. I start looking for them in the end of February! They are always the first sign of new life in the spring and will start poking out even admidst the snow. (Although this year there was no snow for them to poke through - how we need some precipitation! - but thats a whole other matter!)

Thinking of blooming has brought on an on slaught of other metaphorical images in my mind.

Think of the soft petals of a flower. They so delicately and patiently open to their full splendor all in good time. If you try to pry it open before it's ready you only hurt, or even kill, the flower. Blooming takes patience ... and faith.

....
I went to visit a couple old girlfriends today - it was like a drink for my soul! How we need good girlfriends. ;D
....and hmmm, friendship, another bloom that grows and changes with time.

The Fog

My husband ran across a booklet that I bought a while ago on detoxing. One of the signals for the need to detox is a foggy mind - boy do I relate to that! It is often difficult for me to know the truth behind my thoughts and emotions - and it drastically affects the person I am.

I do have times however when it's like driving out of a fog. I think, feel and sense with a clarity that is most refreshing. I wish I could run faster and pull myself completely away, I wish the sun would warm up and evaporate the fog from my heart's vision.

This must all sound ... odd. To explain further would require me trying to explain things that I prefer to keep to myself. Thoughts and emotions that are shameful and harsh and unreal. I have been blessed immeasurably in my life, I have tons of family and friends who truly care about me, I have a loving husband, three great kids, a home and security. I have been protected from fights, disputes and harsh words - this is driven home when my 13 year old has already experienced more heartache in friendships then I ever have. Yet I do not walk in the joy or freedom that my circumstances should only enhance.

Ok, here goes - without details - I struggle with my faith, I struggle to love my husband, I struggle to love my kids, and I am tossed to and fro between self defense and self mutilation. (no, I'm not cutting)

My life seems to come apart right before my 'moon'(adopted from friend), and then the most clarity comes for the short few days, then I seem to slowly sink back into the fog.

With starting my thyroid meds and hormone cream again - and eating better for the last few days - I am feeling hopeful to stay out of the fog.

My incredible parents are also 'sponsoring' me to go to a special prayer retreat - I only hope this is a divine appointment - I need a retreat. It will need to be a divine appointment because I got the application off way later then they wanted and even if I would be accepted there may not be room enough for me. I think it was mom's last visit on Valentines weekend that she saw a little first hand of the fear that has its grip on me.

Anyway - enough trying to articulate things to cyberspace which is equating to babble. A phrase that keeps resignating within me this morning is to
BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED
Perhaps this fog will reveal a much needed moisture and covering for this plant to bloom.