Spirit of Heaviness

I should have been writing daily - you could have gone on a wild ride of emotions and watched me 'game' for the upper hand ...

today ... has nothing to do with the challenge or improving ...

I have always sincerely believed that I can love people while not accepting actions or beliefs. But I am weak and my compassion and my 'ability to see it from their perspective' - what I always thought was my strength - is proving to be a very difficult journey.
The truth of my heart's desire and belief is to love God with all my heart, soul and mind - and by doing so His perfect love will flow through me to all those around me and I will walk in the Spirit.
The truth of my actions and mind however is that my love for my friends and my desire to have them know 'I get it' and my desire for acceptance is more powerful in my life then my love for God is.
So what do I do?
I did something this morning that I still wonder about - but I do it because of my weakness.

You hear of people going through marriage break ups and how the wife will seem more concerned for her lover's feelings then the husband that she betrayed. I sort of sense that perhaps that is what I am doing today regarding Jesus.

Everytime I turn around lately the Word, or others in my path, speak about 'coming out', being seperate, driving out ... being in the world but not of it ... and particular things come to mind in my life. Things in my life that negatively affect my walk with Jesus. They intrigue me, satisfy my fleshly mind, motivate me (as funny as that may sound) to be a better, stronger person.
One cannot walk the fence for long, to live well one must live daily by their true convictions.

I propose another analogy. There is this man, he is very handsome, he's smart, funny, sincere, loving, caring, motivated, true, ... you find yourself drawn to him and just thinking of him brings 'positive' emotions and thoughts. But this man not only disrespects your husband and lover - the one who provides for you, protects you, and has made great sacrifices in his love for you - but this man also quite hates your husband and everything he says is detestable to this man. By breaking bonds with this man will only drive home to him, all the more, how much he hates your husband - and yet you long for him to know your husband as you do. You can't have both. The man says he wants you to stay true to your husband and doesn't understand why there is a problem - love all and simply hold different perspectives. Yet you know this friendship draws you away from your love for your husband and that he is hurting and longing for you to look at him like you do this man.
Is the right thing not to cut yourself off and abandon yourself to loving your husband?

It's easy to sit on the outside and know the right thing to do - but when you love the other man it muddles the waters.

I am heavy hearted.
My Husband says to me put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness - so, for this day, I have chosen to take a step to chose to love Him and will be aware throughout my day to embrace a garment of praise.