Future conversation?

I can imagine my husband coming to me concerned - wondering where the woman he married went. He'd be feeling like he married a pretty mare and now he's wrangling a young, frisky fillie!I think I would say something like:

"I am still the same woman. For nearly 20 years you knew the Ruth that was hid in under the baggage of shame, guilt, fear and failure. Now that is all gone and I am free. Free to love, free to laugh, free to live life to the fullest - the way God intended me to!"

(I slept in this morning and missed my work out with Leona - but just logged 40 minutes on treadmill - going 2.58km and burning 484 calories)

'New' Goal

For over a year now I have had it on my heart to be intentional about visiting people. I have made some good steps - however, each visit has led to a commitment! But it's all good! :)

.... anyway, one such visit led a friend asking if I would like to come work out with her in the mornings. For her, morning meant 5am - her husband often leaves at 3am and that is when her day starts! I told her I would think about it. Two weeks later I called her and said I could - but not till 6-6:30am. So I started to walk over to her place about 6am every Monday , Wednesday and Friday. The first day she asked what my goal was.

I told her that fear prevents me from setting any goal other than trying to be more active and eat right. I had failed so often and did not want to set myself up for failure again.

As a couple weeks progressed, and I watched my son working out at TaiKwonDO, and visited with a mom in the stands that is getting into shape with her husband; courage started to rise.
I am at home with my children at this time - what better time to take the time to work by butt off!?
So I began to journal my eating, tried out a calorie counter on line, and have now 'secretly' chosen to set out to lose this weight that SO encumbers me.

Now I must find work this month for financial reasons - while homeschooling the kids (see earlier blogs for more info) - and a fear rises that it won't happen. But I am determined to be more determined. Even if I don't fully succeed THIS time I will choose to look at it that each attempt will get better and that I am in training for success.

AND, some fall out - a couple times I borrowed some of the videos we use and brought them home and have my kids working out with me - this will continue as long as I can do it!

I'm keeping it simple right now - Working out hard at LEAST 3 times a week, excercising preferrably 6 times a week, taking Sundays off. To eat well - and avoiding the allergy foods that cause me to retain water.

I already feel energy and my muscles and hope. I know losing weight will greatly enhance my life and greatly reduce many of my issues.

So here is to new born hope!

'Older' Women Arise!

Personal struggles are not hard for me to share, or be transparent about, except for when they involve others. I have a struggle ... and it involves loving my husband.

Now before you go and get all 'oooo', 'oh-oh', or even 'I'm with ya sista!';

let me clarify something. My husband is truly a remarkable man. I don't say that lightly. He is my help, my provider, my lover, and the laughter and heart-beat of our home.

But he's not perfect.
WHAT!? Not perfect!? How dare he fall short!

(Yes, that is dripping with sarcasm!)

I know my thoughts and reactions to things are not good, healthy or productive. I sway between angry frustration, numb robotic action, and heart-wrenching tears of hopelessness. NOT exactly how I'd like to be defined! As I search my heart and ask God for help in knowing how to better deal with the issues within my marriage a thought has been crossing my mind ...

'Let the older women teach the younger

how to love their husbands'

... where have I heard that ... oh yes, Titus 2...
But wait a minute, you mean loving my husband isn't a natural out pouring!?

Afraid not girls, not 24-7 anyway, not in these mortal bodies.

Not only do each of us have issues, we each have our own way of doing things that can simply irritate others - not because its wrong or bad, but just because its different.

In ideal times we can choose to give grace and love people, to laugh at the idiosyncrasies, and to choose to embrace the variety and uniqueness of lives. However, life is not always ideal.

Love, true love, should be unconditional. And love, not nagging, brings out the best in people! What is it that makes me struggle to love my husband?
...
I started this blog while in the midst of a highly electrifying and strained emotional state, but thankfully, as I worked on writing out my heart what I wrote transformed into something new.

...

I have been blessed with many 'older women' teachers in my life,

my sister being the most influential...

Lessons from my sister: MY 'older woman' mentor

1)Selfishness
The lessons against selfishness have been a life long example my sister has lived out.

One particular occasion we were all home, she had her usual busy day with a lot of little children, it was getting late, she had been running up and down the stairs trying to get the kids settled in, and on one of her runs back up the stairs - in midst of an obvious task - my husband asked her to get him a pop from downstairs!

You know what, she spun on her heel, went back down, got him a drink, brought it back up to him and carried on without a glimmer of a sigh! I saw her do things like this multiple times - be very quick to put aside whatever her busyness was in order to serve another - even if the other was just sitting around!

I recall, when I was still in school, and we went to visit her family. I was in one of my 'awe moments' of her (I often feel like I will pop with love and respect for my family!), I listed several things that I saw in her and concluded by saying that the crown SHE would receive from Jesus was going to be mighty big! Without a moment's hesitation or pride or blushed humility, with a simple state of fact, she turned to me and laughed and said it didn't matter, she was just going to lay it at Jesus' feet anyway!

Scriptures are very clear that we need to have a servants heart, and esteem others better than ourselves.

If each of us are only watching out for ourselves, then we are the only ones upholding ourselves.

However, if each of us are watching out for others more than ourselves, then we each have many others upholding us!

(follow that!?)

So in marriage? If I am so busy with concerning myself about MY wants, MY dreams, MY needs, MY rights ... and my husband HIS ... then we are not a unified body, we are not two becoming one. Marriage is a picture of our union with Christ - the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, laying His life down for her ... and the wife is to love and respect her husband as the church does Christ. If I fight for the head position - who will be the heart!?

Selfishness needs to go!

2)Defensiveness
I often recall a fight my husband and I had many years ago, it was a doozy. I called my sister and poured out my heart to her. She patiently waited for me to finish and then said, 'You have every right to be upset Ruth, your emotions are justifiable. But what does God say?'

As my big sister her flesh wanted to run to my defense, but she is not flesh led, but rather Spirit led. The lesson I learned that day is that if I defend myself, God cannot.

If I have done something wrong I need to do all I can to make it right, but if I have sincerely searched my heart and did nothing wrong, then I need to let go and let God deal with it. What I did wrong that day was to get defensive.

-If I am dead to myself and esteeming the other better than myself, then I should be able to hear critism and humbly accept the growth. Even if the issue is very minor and the way I was doing something wasn't necessarily wrong, why get defensive or upset about it!? Why NOT try something a new way?!

-If your loved one is acting in a way that 'just isn't like him' - it's probably a spiritual battle or other issue in his life that you may be unaware of. Trying to change it, battling it out with our flesh, or trying to defend ourselves will only escalate the issues - instead it's time to get on our knees ladies!
-If I am confident in who I am in Christ there is no need to be defensive in any area.
-Getting defensive, I have found, is a major cause of conflict in my home.

AND I am convicted that it is also a sign post to me that I am walking in my flesh and not the Spirit.

3) Expectations
As long as our expectations are on man we will be let down. My sister can share many stories, but I will share the one that was the most blatant to me. She was feeling unloved and unappreciated. She went to God in prayer and He asked her 'what do you want Becky!?', off the top of her head she said she wanted for her husband to call her Sunshine. He had never called her that, she wasn't sure why that popped in her head, and now she wondered if she should tell him what she wanted or not ... after all, how will he know otherwise - but then it won't come from his heart .... she surrendered it to Jesus and went about her business. Then, as she was carrying laundry from upstairs to the downstairs, and as she passed through the living room her husband casually said, "Hey Sunshine!". She proceeded downstairs and cried! It was like God Himself called her that - which, I think, He did! Interesting enough, her husband had never called her that before - nor since! God moved her husband to demonstrate in a very tangible way that she IS loved and appreciated!

God knows our needs, and He knows that people can't fulfill our every need

- but He can!

If my expectation - and therefore eyes - are on HIM, and I pour my heart out to HIM, then He fulfills those needs. Perhaps not through the method WE expect - but it always turns out that He DOES know better than us!

4)Power of Prayer and Submission

Both my sister and I have experienced first hand how much more thorough, true, and complete things are accomplished when we pray for our husbands rather than 'nag'. On occasion God will 'give a word for due season' for us to express ourselves to them. It's not that we can't discuss things with our men. But the main idea is that if there is something bothering us, rather than 'lose it' on the poor guy, take it to God in prayer. Sometimes God changes them, and sometimes it's us that needs to change perspective or behavior! One thing I love about this is that when I have seen the changes in my husband I KNOW that they are sincere and complete in him, and not an external attempt to appease me!

I have included submission with prayer because of a great example ... from my sister :) . She NEVER goes anywhere by herself, since she has had children she has been a stay at home mom. The ONLY time her and her husband have 'gone away' has been for the home schooling conference - and even then she often had a nursing baby or a teen with them. Also the once when she went to Mexico with Mark for cancer treatments. But before her cancer, she had asked Mark about watching the kids so she could go to the city for the day by herself to buy gifts as it was very difficult to do so with them there. He flatly told her no!

She was hurt and angry - but no one knew because she took it to God in prayer. She went ahead and ordered things from the catalogues and did the best to do her shopping, she would admit later that she was struggling with a bit of bitterness. BUT, the Saturday that she had wanted to go to the city to do all the shopping? Turns out that that Friday herself and a couple of her kids got very sick to their stomaches and were sick all weekend. IF she had rebelled and said 'Forget this! Parent up buddy!' and had held off to buy gifts until she went - NO Christmas gifts would have been boughten in time for Christmas! Think God knew?!

I too, encouraged by my sister's example and testimonies, have now experienced the blessing of submitting to my husband as unto God.

The word submission puts a bad taste in most people's mouths today. They see it as slavery, as being used as a door mat, as treacherous dictatorships. But that is NOT the submission God talks about! Do we or do we not trust God?

Many parents have their children jump into their arms - and the first couple times, for many children, it can be very scary - jumping out into nothingness, hoping mom or dad will catch them. But after they DO take that leap of faith they enjoy it so much they want to do it over and over again! So it is with God. It becomes exhilerating to be faced with a frustration or concern, and then to take that leap of faith in God, submitting to His principles, and seeing the cool stuff He can pull off and the disasters He saves us from!

Current issues?

I have dreams of how I envision my family life to be...

I want to be upbeat, ready to give a word of life and encouragement, having a positive attitude in all things, to be known as a solution seeker, not a problem pounder.

I would like my family life to be marked by laughter, sprinkled with times of intimate tears and deep conversation, all infused with the life flow of the Holy Spirit.

I would like my home to be that place that you always want to be because you know that, regardless of what is going on in your life, you will be loved, encouraged, built up and you will be better for being here.

I would like us to be a family that truly lays down our lives for others - even little things like giving up a room for free to a man who is coming into town and needs place to stay.

I expect myself to be a mature Christian woman who is secure in who she is in Christ, that is well on her way to being that older woman who can, in turn, give wise counsel to others.

But then negative words fly, bad attitudes saturate the air, a condescending and/or critical spirit rears its ugly head to tear apart my family - and what do I do? React. I should respond, but I react. And more negative attitudes and thoughts swarm in my home and heart.

My expectations and dreams not being fulfilled I react and even begrudge! How ridiculous!
If I myself, will not learn to renew my mind and respond maturely, how in the world can I expect others to do so!?

-My husband continually shows love to me in the most intimate and affectionate ways he knows (and I have come to realize how much I really need that). Yet, I don't respond because I FEEL like, sprinkled in between each of those moments, are critiques or condescension. So when he comes up behind me and says I'm the best - I struggle to assimulate the two perceptions.

-Sometimes he is treating me very lovingly, but the way he is speaking to our children, or reacts to an issue I bring up - like finances, frustrates me greatly and is not the way I think it should be. Then when he turns to me with some loving comment I struggle to respond appropriately.

-Sometimes he simply states something, and my insecurity, or dream of being utterly loved and looked up to by my husband, causes me to take "the floor sure needs to be washed" as "you are so lazy" ... either that or 'you are a terrible mother who doesn't know how to train her children in chores"!

-Sometimes his tone is condescending or critical, but I'm sure we have all had our days that strain on us and we end up using a tone we don't intend. These are the times when a quiet answer can turn away wrath, and totally diffuse the situation! (And if this is a spiritual stronghold, I would much rather deal with it on my knees, then allow it to fall to my children to deal with!)

-When I focus on the things that irritate me and think of the negatives, a disrespect grows in me and I will confess I even begin thinking of ways to get out of the marriage - or the flip happens and I feel so completely hopeless and like an utter failure and think it best for me to go away - one way or another.

Neither of these are from above, or productive to anyones interests!

However, when I keep my eyes on Jesus, and focus on the facts - the positive things about my husband, that he doesn't intend to hurt me, but loves me - then I can better respond to each situation. Not perfectly mind you, some days I have a running conversation with God - that I wouldn't want others to hear! But He is faithful to help me when I rely on, depend on and trust in Him.

And you know what else? If my husband wasn't the kind of man he is I would probably be a total push over as a mom. And my home may be set up the way I like better, but it could also be much dirtier! Maybe he does need to learn things ( in which I know God is already dealing with!) but I have just as many, if not more to learn!

As a couple we need to magnify each other's strengths, being humble enough to learn from them.
And then diminish each other's weaknesses to others, while encouraging and supporting them in those things.
Then the two work together as one complete unit and beauty comes.

So - 'older women' arise! Let us encourage one another in what is right and good, transforming our minds by the power of His Spirit - and see our homes transformed to raise the next generation!