'Burning to Live in Your Presence'

I have been allowed to borrow the book the staff is reading for devotions. While supervising lunch I had been thumbing through it and a few sections caught my attention that I really wanted to reread and chew on. I would like to share some snippets. It comes from "Early Will I Seek You - A 40-day journey in the company of AUGUSTINE - arranged by David Hazard."

"Late have I loved you, O Beauty so ancient and so new. Late have I loved you!
You were within me, while I was outside of myself. I was searching for you in all the outward joys and beauties. And all I found was loneliness.
Then I fell and was broken by those same lovely thing which I sought - things that you yourself made. Yet you were with me, while I was not with you. I was being kept from you by my hunger for the world's lovely things. I did not even recognize that all the things I sought had been created by someone, or they would not exist at all.
Then you called me and cried to me and broke through my deafness! You sent forth your beam, the light of your magnificently beautiful presence. You shone your Self upon me to drive away my blindness. You breathed your fragrance upon me ... and in astonishment I drew my breath ... now I pant for you! I tasted you, and now I hunger and thirst for you.
You touched me - and I burn to live within your peace."
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"That Your Soul May Live" " 'Listen! Listen to me (the Lord, your God), and eat what is good, and your soul will delight itself in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me that your soul may live.' Isaiah 55:2,3 "

...

"I Approach Food As I Approach Medicine"
"'Everything is permissible for me - but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be mastered by anything.' 1 Cor. 6:12
'For the fruit of the Spirit is ... self-control.' Gal. 5;22,23
You have taught me that I should approach the taking of food as I approach medicine.
For hunger and thirst are pain of a sort. They break down the body and burn, unless the 'medicine' of nourishment relieves us. And it's by eating and drinking that we repair the daily losses of the body, until such time as you destroy both the stomach and food (1Cor. 6:13). At that time you will kill all fleshly hungers by filling us with your wonderful plenty. Then you will clothe this corruptible body with an everlasting body that cannot be corrupted(1Cor. 15:54). ...
Now, let us be honest, eating and drinking are pleasurable, and good food is healthful for the body. But I may sit down to eat and drink for the sake of health, and then for pleasure go on to eat and drink far more that I need or even what is healthful. Often, it is so difficult to tell the dirrerence, whether my body has a healthy appetite, or whether I am being deceived by my own overwhelming greed, until I am seduced into thinking that I really cannot control my appetite. So then I eat for the reason of gluttony and not in thankfulness to God. ...
I ask you, O Lord, to help me keep a right grip, neither too loose nor too tight, on the reins of my palate."

In one of the many programs I have looked at they taught that God created our bodies with signals and you are encouraged to not eat until you hear your stomache growl or at least KNOW you are receiving a signal from the stomache to eat. Then you only eat till you are full, again, listening for those signals. I agree with this whole heartedly. Especially when your struggle involves food, it is important to retrain ourselves to hear our bodies. And of course, the Holy Spirit also leads us in this.

I have already quoted 1Cor. 6:12, here is the amplified:
" 12 Everything is permissible (allowable and lawful) for me; but not all things are helpful (good for me to do, expedient and profitable when considered with other things). Everything is lawful for me, but I will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power.
13 Food [is intended] for the stomach and the stomach for food, but God will finally end [the functions of] both and bring them to nothing. The body is not intended for sexual immorality, but [is intended] for the Lord, and the Lord [is intended] for the body [to save, sanctify, and raise it again].

1Cor. 10:23 says, "All things are legitimate [permissible--and we are free to do anything we please], but not all things are helpful (expedient, profitable, and wholesome). All things are legitimate, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life]."

Romans 12:1-2 (King James)
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your REASONABLE service. And be not conformed to this world; but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God."

Catch up on me

(I will come back to the whole body, soul, spirit thing when I am led to)

1-Time on the computer and expectations around the house have been an issue.
2-Guilt and frustration concerning my actions to show love is an issue
3-The bad attitude that has seemed to sneak up within me and smack me is an issue.
4-What I perceive as a negative and condescending air in my home is an issue.
5-The seeds I have allowed to be planted in my children, mixed my inconsistencies is an issue.
6-The self-centered “I need to...” is an issue.
7-My frugal nature causing a lack of proper nutritional and hormonal supplementation,
8-and resulting tiredness being added to by lack of exercise, is an issue.
1) Verse 16 in the Prov. 31:10-31 passage says “She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect on her present duties by assuming other duties];with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.”
I wondered and said loose prayers concerning starting a blog. Time on the computer was already an issue and all I do is business books, check status' and messages on facebook, and check for messages in my email. I knew starting a blog would only add to the time. Yet I really felt that the accountability would help – and it was helping. There were a few times I put food down or went on the treadmill because I knew I had to write on the blog – and my conscious wouldn't let me lie. My reasoning said that if I am in better health, I can better serve my family and community. A person needs to rest – guilt free – for health and sanity. A person needs to sleep for the same reasons. To run a home well and to fulfill my expectations ... well.
I am reminded that it is vital to live in your priorities. God comes first, not church. With God first, He enables me to serve others well. My husband and children are my next priority. The better I help my man and the better our unity, the more effective our family unit becomes and the more fulfilled we both are. My children are my responsibility and I am the steward of their lives and I will answer to God for how I've raised them (this fact has me literally trembling and in tears – I cry out 'OH! But for the grace of God!'). Then extended family, blood, spirit and friend families. My community and those that God would have me minister to.
Heavenly Father, I pray You teach me to expand prudently and not neglect the duties and responsibilities that I have the honor of carrying. I ask for wisdom and courage.
2) My sister has been battling cancer for 2 years now. I have not shown the love I have for her and its ripping my heart apart. I spoke with her this morning and once again she inspired me. I wasn't going to apologize or 'go there' – but just strive to change things somehow. But I did in tears, and her grace once again shone through.
Heavenly Father I pray that You would free me to regularly go to my sisters to help with the work on her farm – allowing her to rest. And I would ask selfishly that You would use me to bless her.
3) Number 2 and 3 tie together. Let it be said up front that my man helps a lot around the house. He helps cook meals, do dishes, washes the floor, does laundry, etc. etc. etc. PLUS is an excellent handy man and does the extras like chopping tons of wood. So I share this to draw out my bad attitude and struggle to truly love and not to draw attention to anything else. Having a diabetic daughter requires that we are up every morning – so even given an opportunity to sleep in, we are up 'automatically' anyway – although the ability to wake up naturally and lay there for a bit is sure nice.
There has been several occasions where early on a Saturday morning my man will waken me early with cuddles and snuggles – which I really do TRY to appreciate. Then we will look at the time or he will comment on being hungry and I will begrudgingly (there's the attitude) get up and start breakfast – and he roles over and goes back to sleep!
My son is 10 but has been getting up every night – about 3am – with no real cause other then needing the bathroom, a drink or a hug. Last night I pleaded with him that we need to sleep. He was up at 3:30am and asked for a hug. I gave him one and went back to bed, I could hear he wasn't going back to sleep. {side note – I would love to crawl in with him – but we aren't a family bedding family, and I have tried in the past and it becomes a bigger struggle} At 4am he came and said he couldn't sleep and asked to turn on a movie. Being as tired as I am feeling lately I told him to go ahead, but keep it down. I saw every hour. The 'best' was when I had finally actually gotten into a decent sleep again and he came and woke me up to tell me it was 7am!
This is all long, and drawn out, I know. I say all this to say that as I lay in bed at 8am (daughter showed up at 7:30 for breakfast and needle and left again) I was feeling mad and disrespected – while also feeling guilty. I should be feeling grateful and thankful that I have all my kids here to serve! It should be a joy to get out of bed – tired or not – and serve the family for the short time we have.
See, we say I should have the right to have half an hour a day to type a blog. I should even be able to have time to do things like play bells or go to Celebrate Recovery all the time. I should be able to be left alone to sleep – or just because I happen to really savor alone time. I should be able to leave the floor for a night and not feel guilt, shame and fear of 'getting into trouble'.
These are all seen as 'rights'. But I am crucified with Christ. Nevertheless I live. Yet not me, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live I live by the faith of the Son of God who gave Himself for me. (Gal. 2:20) If I am defending myself – either I am not being humble enough to admit I'm in the wrong, or I am not allowing God to be my defender. If I am feeling offended, then my flesh is alive and well in me and I am walking in the flesh and not the Spirit.
Heavenly Father, I ask that You forgive me for worrying so much about me and my needs. I know as I keep my eyes fixed on You, and on serving others, this bad attitude will change. I ask that You bless me with the energy I need to walk love and joy, regardless of how this body feels. Thank You so much for the family You have blessed me with and that they are all well. Teach me to love them as You do. Enable me to walk in Your Spirit and not my flesh.
4)Lord Jesus, You created all we know exists. You are Truth and Love. You are beyond our comprehension. Yet You humbled Yourself and became flesh! You lived as a man – yet without sin! As they stood there and told lies about You, tore out Your beard, spit in Your face, mocked You, beat You ... You never once defended Yourself or retaliated. Father, I find myself taking on the attitudes around me. When my kids are snarpy and disrespectful I don't respond in a way that glorifies You, or helps or trains them! When my husband is being more harsh then I can stomach I react in many different ways – rather then on my knees. I know we need to build on each other's strengths and our family needs the man he is. My defensiveness, my hateful and evil thoughts, my fear .... is all wrong. I have often come to You in prayer – may my faith and trust in You to do in my husband and children what I can't do expound exponentially! And may my thoughts always draw me to my knees before You... for I KNOW that it is not only the best way – but the only way.
5)“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one show sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Gal. 6:7-8) I have sown a lot of garbage within my body and am reaping what I have sown. But much more alarming is the things I have allowed to be sown into the minds of my children. Yes, life happens and there are some things one can't prevent – I have examples. Yes, each person has their own soul and distinction. But lets not white wash this. When the kids were little, there were times it was easier to pretend I didn't see, or hear, then deal with it. There have been times I have done nothing because I didn't know what to do, or was afraid to do it. I have allowed TV and music to infiltrate my children's minds – and one in particular is affected greatly and seeing this harvest is heart wrenching. I think of what dad shared about his time with his grandpa. He was asked what you get if you plant oats, wheat, etc. My dad answered. My great grandpa corrected him. You can plant all you want – but you will always get weeds. The important thing is to plant SOMETHING, or ALL you get is weeds!
Heavenly Father, I plead for You forgiveness. You entrusted three incredible people to my care and I have made some terrible blunders. Thank You for Your promise that if we confess our sins, You are faithful to forgive us our sins! Thank You so much for Your grace, mercy and patience! I ask that You guard my children from my mistakes, and that You give me insight, wisdom, discernment and courage to raise them the way YOU want me to.
6)Father God, Thank You for Your revelation of my selfishness. Thank You that You love me enough not to leave me the way I am. Thank You that I am just the clay and that You are the Potter. Thank You that when You break us or put us in the fire that it truly is for our betterment. Thank You for seeing me hid in Christ. May I walk in Your Spirit and have in the forefront of every thought of my position in Jesus!
7)When Roger didn't have work, we really didn't have the money to buy the supplements that I was on. But neither was I faithful to listen to the unction of the Spirit's leading to gain what my flesh needed by His provision. My sister shared her heart openly with me and the struggle it has been for her with the strict diet, mammoth size needles for the latrille and handfuls of pills. Even going the more 'natural' approach to fighting cancer still brings in the 'law'. As great as the two doctors that she sees are, they still have blanketed treatments with hope that by taking it ALL you'll get what you need.
There have been several words of the need for her to rest. She shared of a doctor who started studying dirt and the health of it – because then the plant is also healthier. This led to a study of the human body as dirt. According to his discoveries, if we have all the minerals we need we can produce all the vitamins, except for B12 Becca thinks it was.
And as farmers know, you also need your dirt to rest.
On Sept 9 they took 7 liters off Becca's abdomen – more then ever before. Becca asked the nurse if she had seen that before and the nurse basically said that this was the beginning of the end and it would only increase now. Becca's spirit rose up and said 'oh no it isn't'! My sister shared her struggle, that even knowing it was her life, she didn't eat right. Her 80% raw vegetables has dwindled to about maybe 50%. On Oct. 22 they only took a touch over 2 liters and the nurse was shocked, saying she had never seen it go back down. During this time, Becca also learned that although some vitamins are killed when cooked - some vitamins and the minerals are more easily absorbed when cooked! New infor for me! And isn't it interesting that teh guilt about not sticking to 80% raw, she learns that it may be better for her right now to have more of them cooked anyway! (PS - the 80% isn't 80% of the vegetables raw - but 80% of all the food she eats being raw vegetables)
So what is better, following the law? Or living under grace?
Interestingly, Becca also got talking about eagles, we talked about rising above the storm. And she talked about how an eagle doesn't flap and flap – but rather will wait for the sun to warm the air and when the up draft comes he soars.
They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they shall rise up on wings as eagles! (Isaiah 40:31)
Heavenly Father, I lift both my sister and I to You. May we hear Your small still Voice and not trust in man's programs and wisdom. Thank You for the knowledge You have given doctors and us, but may we use it appropriately and apply it with Your leading. May we both learn to truly rest upon You. Thank You for Your provisions, whether we run out of money to buy the things we 'need' or not ... we can trust You to lead us in a plain path!
8)Lord Jesus, You would take times, sending even Your disciples away, in order to pray and have quiet time. Rest is so important. I pray that time on the computer wouldn't take from my family or my rest. I pray that You would supernaturally renew and refresh me while I wait on You and get back up on my feet again. Then may I truly walk hid in You, walking in the Spirit and not the flesh.

To Write Or Not To Write

Probably 'not' - I'm not my friend who can write inspirationally even when she herself is not inspired.

I have purposely eaten what I should not, I have not been on treadmill, my weight is about 1 pound less then about 6 weeks ago (which is surprising considering fluid retention, etc!), I have been negative and emotional and trying to hide and deal with it all. I have had two 'breakdowns' this week - partly infront of my children. I struggle to love. I am 'shoulding' on myself left, right and center. I have moments of clarity and hope, only to fall back in this dark pit. This is all yucky and in the moment . My eyes are burning, my head aches, my body aches, and still I sit...sat... starring at the keyboard...
Can I start again tomorrow? Can I battle through this? Huh. Lots of "I"'s.

I am .........................................
He is my source of life and joy. He is my salvation and grace. He is my love and peace. He is my strength.
Hey soul! Listen up! Hey body! Listen up! It ain't about YOU - it's about Him and I want HIM in control! So mind - be transformed and renewed! It's time we let Holy Spirit drive this ship for awhile!! ... Change that! drive this ship for evermore!!

Right now my son is (im)patiently waiting for me to tuck him in and Holy Spirit is reminding me of being mom comes first right now.... actually, he has been very patient and not impatient at all! He is now standing by my side - a good 45 minutes after asking me to tuck him - and all he has said is "Mom, can I have a hug?" ... You betcha my son ... lets go have a few! :)