Wed.Day31of31

I have been struggling a lot. I am back to 250-251 today and hope to continue to see that drop. Figured I had better write something here to tie up yet another loose end.

Friday Day19of31

This week has gone from bad to worse. I picked up my hormone cream last night. There is talk of spiritual warfare as my principal has had to deal with more conflict and issues with parents, staff and students in the last couple months then in the last 4 years. I feel depressed and angry and am trying to yank myself free. My sister in law sent a video of the waving flag song for Haiti and it encouraged me. My mom sent me a beautiful video to encourage to live in the moment with love and laughter, which was also a wonderful encourager.

Shame of my body is affecting my response to my husband after him being gone for three weeks, is holding me back from running to meet old friends, and the thought of my neices wedding ...

Well, I've spent an hour on the computer catching up from not checking my facebook, email or this blog for the last week. It's time for me to get out the door, ...

Do you ever want to just run away somewhere all by yourself?
Yah, this is disjointed, blah, blah, blah ... I should at least put something though right?

Sunday Day14of31

The bad thing today was that I did have some peanut butter on my Ryvita crackers.
Ryvita crackers with honey, EDSmith jam and PB
2 coffee with creamer
Smoothie with Probiotics and Acai berry powder
more Ryvita
BBQ chicken and salad
2 pickles while cooking.

Treadmill - 30 minutes total - 10minProg.1 3.6, Stretch, 10minProg.2 3.6, 10minProg1 3.8 Floor excercises and stretch.

I have been pushing my excess body around and feeling my hips and ribs imagining what it would be like to be as thin as my body is ... I never have been slender. I have never looked in the mirror and seen a typical human female figure relected back. I also have been wondering what it would be like to like your body and to feel comfortable in it.
My husband deserves so much better!

Saturday Day?of31

Yah, hmmm... What happened to Wednesday, Thursday and Friday???
Well, if I recall correctly, Wednesday went well, but since Thursdays it has been a rollercoaster of rollercoasters. Right now - and I mean this moment - I fight depression, shame and a strong desire to pack my bags and vanish to somewhere alone.

On the up side - blood work showed a desperate need for synthroid and I hope by the end of the week my energy will be up and weight will start falling.

Now - no more foods that cause you to swell Ruth, and get back on that treadmill! You are an embarrassment to your husband, children, family and students!!

Tuesday Day9of31

This morning started with me reading the next chapter in the staff devotional "Teaching to Change Lives". I think a lot of my frustration at work is that I've spent so much time and energy planning, learning what is expected for me to teach, coming up with creative ideas, and then, literally, one sentence into the morning and the kids are flopping around asking when they can play. I sincerely believe TV is largely at fault and I see it very clearly in the K-3 room. But this chapter also dealt directly with how I am teaching. I am meditating on how to apply what I read as it was written for senior high and adult classes.

I had also written a blog entry on some stresses in my home currently, and what God was saying to me Sunday evening. I ended up printing it off and put it in my prayer journal instead. In essence, there is a lot of battles going on in our home and God clearly reminded me to not get lost in daily 'stuff', nor to allow myself to slumber, but rather to stay alert and 'on my knees'. I will confess, I haven't done that nearly adequately enough.

I share these personal things, because being an emotional eater, its important to stay alert to triggers, and to learn to deal with the actual root issues.

On one last side note - I went for lazer treatment on my face for the first time today - OUCH! and does it ever stink like burnt hair. I fought doing this for a long time because I truly hate spending money on things that are 'vain'. Yet when a woman needs to shave her face it is very difficult to feel pretty or even like a female. It does feel good to know I am taking steps to improve my self image.
I also have an appointment Thursday with the doc for my thyroid meds as well as hormone cream - I can't wait as I know the hormone cream definitely helped before, and I hope my constant struggle for energy will improve with the Thyroid meds.

Still 251-253
I made a smoothie with the acai powder, OJ, banana and frozen berries.

Coffee at work. 2 granola bars, an apple, and about 5 jelly beans

2 Ryvita crackers with EDSmith jam...
to be honest with you, I'm not entirely certain what all I ate...
I made the kids do their chores.
I excercised - 20 minutes, 3.8, threw in 2 incline 8's, floor excercises and stretches.
I wasn't prepped for supper - made hot dogs and macaroni for supper. I meant to make a chicken stir fry for myself - but ended up having hotdogs (which were beef - an allergy), 2 riceKrispie squares ... and I think I had something else but don't recall what.
I flopped in front of the TV for a bit - feeling defeated.
Then I got up, looked through the recipe binder my mom left me, made a grocery list and went up town to go shopping. (some things I bought 'new' were 'fresh' salmon, quinoa flour, and asparagus).
I cleaned out my freezer while listening to my son memorize scripture and study spelling words. Then I cut his hair. And had half a glass of Tropicana OJ.

Not a very successful day, but I will continue to persevere.
Plans to improve: I will snack on a veggie tray after school and I have the next three night's suppers planned - healthy, non allergy, low glycemic meals. And, at least I'm excercising more this week!

Quote from a book on detoxing I recently bought:

"Eating added sugar in various foods and drinks every day is a way fo perpetuating chronic over stimulation of the pituitary and pancreas glands. The thyroid and adrenals also feel the brunt of the affront. The false craving and feeling of well-being sugar induces is on a par with the ecstasy experienced when dope takes command in a victim's
body."

-Dr. Edward Howell, Enzyme Nutrition

Those who have never struggled with addiction truly don't understand. There have been times that I have said its like putting an alcoholic in the bar 12-14 hours a day, telling him he has to have 3 drinks, but no more. No one would bet he'd do very well - yet that is what it is like for so many of us moms who are emotional eaters and are constantly having to deal with food for the family.

Monday Day8of31

251-253 surprisingly
Started the day dragging and continued to do so.

Had very little patience and today was a day I questioned my 'career' choice.
I had 1 coffee and my bowl of oatmeal
I had a salad, baggie of carrots and 2 mini oranges
Then I had about 5 jelly beans at the end of the day.
I was nervous about going home, and rightfully so.

I had two chocolate 'morsels', 3 Ryvita crackers with EdSmith jam and felt very irritated about all I had to do and too tired and unmotivated to do it.

I did call to make a doctor appointment about the thyroid and hormone cream, and I have my first appointment to deal with the hormonal beard I have - hopefully I don't come home badly burnt!


I went up town to deposit a cheque and pick up some groceries.
I bought a mini Mars bar and salt and vinegar chips while there.
I ate the bar on the way home and had a handful of chips.
I ate 1.5 porkchops BBQd and some broccoli.
I cleaned one bathroom, vacuumed and swept.
Treadmill - 20 minutes, program 1, threw in 2 incline 8's, Floor excercises and stretches.

Now I should go see about fundraising from a couple friends and its already after 8 and I still need to shower.
But I do feel so much better excercising!
I'll drink some water and just pray the sleep I get will be enough for a better mood tomorrow!

Sunday Day7of31

Don't really want to talk about today ... morning started out alright.
I had intended to make it a day of rest and allowed myself a coffee.
Had my oatmeal with apple, cinnamon and acai berry powder.
But who knows after that.

I have enjoyed laughing at the squeels and excitement as both my daughters have entered the world of novels and the love of reading. One of their teachers gave them the Hunger Games and Catching Fire - and I consequently thought a day of rest would be a good day to read some for myself.
But I shouldn't read books - for I too get lost in the new world and become a character there - and consequently an absentee mother.
And I too now must wait anxiously for the third book to come out in August. ;P

Tomorrow marks a week - a typical weigh in day - well, I was still hovering 251 and 253 this morning; and I caved and ate wheat today; so I can only imagine I won't be all excited tomorrow morning about being closer to my goal this month.
But I must not give way to self pity! My eldest hates to wake to the treadmill and music, but has shown willingness to allow it this evening even though she's in bed.

I will take to the treadmill, 20min. program 1, 3.8, threw in one incline 8.
I will consider it well done that I achieved laundry, meals, dishes, ironing AND a whole book on a day of 'rest',
and regardless of the number tomorrow morning
I will persevere and push on - what was it my calendar says this month - to advance confidently in the direction of (my) dreams, and endeavor to lead a life which (I) have imagined
- to encourage myself I ponder what I know...

What do I know of excercise?
releases serotonin (feel good hormone ;) ),
increases mitochondria - which are fat burning cells in our muscles,
improves circulation,
strengthens heart and lungs,
releases stress,
and gives a sense of well being.

Let's just hope the energy it gives won't keep me up too late!

*Saturday Day6of31

Mmm, sleep. I awoke, turned the clock and it was about 7:45. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth etc. ;P , stretched, cracked the window open even more so that a good solid breeze was blowing in, and snuggled back under the covers with my sleeping daughter. As I allowed myself to fall in and out of sleep I enjoyed listening to the birds outside my window and watching the room grow brighter with the morning sun. My son came in and gave me a kiss and whispered he was going for his morning bike ride. I love mornings like this.

Somehow the beauty quickly dissipated within my soul. I came downstairs to get on the treadmill, decided to log in my morning so far first, and then opened Facebook (errr-bad decision) ... Dylan came home and came downstairs. He told me of his wonderful morning ride and then commented on the time. Immediately I felt angry that I no longer had time to go on the treadmill - that I had to go upstairs and make breakfast for my diabetic daughter. How selfish is that!? I seem way too, acutely, tuned into how fast time flies and any 'interruption' to slow up my day irritates me. But I have been finding that I am learning to really be conscious of living in the moment, and to consciously try to live intentionally.

He asked for bacon or sausage and my snarpy snaps began. I made bacon and eggs and toast for them. Then I hugged my son and asked him to forgive me. I had a piece of bacon, filled a water bottle and went downstairs.
10 minutes, program 1, 3.6/ stretched/ 10 minutes, program 2, 3.6/ 10 minutes, program 1, 4.0/ 2 minutes, 3.6 - cool down/ Floor excercises and stretches.

Been too long since I had a good work out and it feels great.

253 Showered, went uptown with friend to get things for school, made smoothies for lunch and tried Dragon Fruit :) , then spent afternoon trying different methods of making Easter eggs and painting 'baskets'. Did some more running around.

Scooped some of Tucker's poops, tried to clean up under bird feeder, tidied back yard a bit, and worked on getting front flower bed cleaned up.

Made supper - cooked chicken chunks, mixed with cream of chicken soup, potatoes, 2 veggie trays and a salad (of which I had salad and a tomato), and a glass of Topicana Orange Juice

Kept laundry going throughout the day. After supper swept and washed floor, vacuumed. Got a phone call - went to visit two friends - one to drop off fundraising stuff, one to pick up BIG cardboard boxes for kindergarten (they just got a washer and dryer) - took boxes to school, and then stopped at store for some snacks for kids.

Am trying to get away from artificial sweeteners so I bought Beaver Company pop from BC - actually all natural ingredients like cloves and cinnamon! AND the kids like it. I also bought the better flavored water for Christine and I. They wanted icecream, so I bought mini revels. And then I also bought chips and dark chocolate... splitting headache, longing for bed, but also longing for some 'veg' time with a book or movie.

Ended up having a bowl of chips, a 'morsel' of the chocolate and a flavored water.

I came down to finish today's entry - I am really struggling not to eat more junk. I think I will curl up with the book -harder to eat then.

I'm looking forward to getting on the treadmill again tomorrow.

Friday Day5of31

Up at 4:45am ... well ok, awake ... out of bed by 5.
Saw girls off - feeling nervous for them.Had 2 coffee and my healthy bowl of oatmeal and supplements

Had lots of coffee at school
a granola bar, banana, canned peaches in water, carrots
The class had their 3500 point party and I was the only staff
I had a couple spoon fulls of the icecream that Mary bought for them...
Chocolate with vanilla and chewy bits of cookie
It was delicious.

Stuck around at school till girls got back and got some planning done.
I felt fear rising on the way home - Friday mentality + fatigue + icecream in my system + habit ....

I had a bowl of corn tortilla chips with salsa
another coffee
4 ryvita crackers with PB and J
a pickle.

Made smoothies for girls for supper
I obviously was not hungry.

Went with a friend to walk her friend's dog

Movie night - made popcorn, a veggie platter and set out a bowl of nuts(in shell). I had a bowl of popcorn that I didn't finish, broccoli, celery and peppers, and 2 walnuts - of which I didn't finish, I think they are old.

Thursday Day4of31

253
hmm, lets see if I can remember everything from yesterday...

I had a healthy smoothy for breakfast.

I had snap peas, carrots, and orange and a granola bar at school
No coffee! :) More water

I was very hungry by the time I got home and chose to make a bowl of oat meal, which I add a grated apple, acai powder, cinnamon and some brown sugar to.
I felt good and in control; and like saving a bigger meal that is relatively healthy for me for the time frame that is usually the hardest for me.
I went for walk - boy, do I need to get back on the treadmill! yeesh!

While making supper I opened the cupboard several times and looked at the peanut butter - but had about 15 sunflower seeds (all that was left), and 9 mini round corn chips - I counted!
I made fish with lemon, salt and pepper; fried the left over rice with peppers, celery, green onion and cilantro; and made a nice salad.

I had hoped to cut my sons hair and go on the treadmill - but my daughters are going to the symphony and one needed some foot wear, another was borrowing a dress from a friend that we had to pick up, and my son needs footwear too - so I went to town.

By the time it was done I no longer felt in control. My emotions exploded. I only wanted to buy shoes for daughter and cheap runners for my son for spring - but caved and did more then I should have. My kids don't get a lot - in fact, my one daughter has worn winter boots all winter that hurt her feet because they are too small! So, here we are in the store and my heart is to go all out and buy all they need (never mind the socks and a bra that I actually need too!) But in my rushed feeling and tiredness I give in and buy things for them that they really don't need.

Then I think I have lost my husband's business bank card because its not where I usually see it. Then I get to the truck and have lost the single key I use. It was 8pm by now, I had a friend coming by with a potential skirt for my daughter, still had groceries to buy, my son still had homework to do, and I had to figure out what and how to pack for my diabetic daughter and be up at 5am to see them off on their field trip to the city.

Anyway - I dropped the kids off before going to get groceries - had a good bawl, found the bank card, found the key at Walmart, got groceries and got home.

Friend came with skirt, talked to my husband, got frustrated with my son who seems to need me to help me to his homework (when he reallydoesn't) because its 9:30 now and he hasn't cracked a book, I am obviously not getting a better work out on the treadmill again today, and I'm just starting to figure out stuff for my daughters.

I put in toast.

I came out to the kitchen from talking to one of my girls and my son was 'helping' by putting the toast on a plate and laying everything out for me nicely. Poor boy look like someone punched him when I picked up the toast and told him to throw it out. Then the conversation started with a 10 year old regarding mommy wasting food - I got mad and said something about better in the trash then in my body!

The girls got themselves to bed, I tucked them in and crawled in with my son around 10:30pm.

Timely Reminder

Thank you again for your timing Jesus. A reminder of the miraculous body You have created. Thank You Aunty for you faithfulness and love for Jesus, for the mentorship you so freely and abundantly share.
(Taken from 'lettersofhope' - link at bottom)

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
March 3, 2010 by Eulene Moores

Dear Ones,

During these two weeks of Olympic Games in Vancouver it has been fascinating to watch the athletes perform in their various venues. The speed of the runners and skaters, the grace of the figure skaters, the expertise of the skiers, the skills displayed in the hockey and curling events, were all amazing. It took literally years of intensive training to qualify the Olympic athletes for competition. Every muscle, tendon, ligament and nerve was tensed to deliver the perfect performance.

Some time ago I suffered a minor fall which resulted in some severely strained muscles and ligaments causing considerable pain during movement. The incident incited my thinking about how much of our bodies’ wonders we take for granted: The incredible complexity of the chemical elements and molecules, cells and tissues, organs and organ systems; the intricate separate but interconnected systems within the human body that are essential for its growth, energy, motion, reproduction, waste disposal, and activities of every conceivable kind; its ability to resist disease; and its ability to repair itself.

To consider the astronomical numbers of cells, neurons, connecting fibers, nerves, enzymes, hormones, proteins, veins, arteries, capillaries, ad infinitum, not to mention the complexity of the DNA of the human body is totally beyond comprehension!

Many body parts work unceasingly and imperceptibly, year after year. One rarely, if ever, thinks about his heart which goes on beating decade after decade. I, personally, am blessed in that, at the age of 82, I have experienced no trouble with my heart. Curious as to how many beats it will have made during all those years, using figures from the American Heart Association, I calculated it to be something over 3 billion, 1 million! According to the A.H.A., the average volume of blood pumped through the heart is 2,000 US gals. per day. For me, that would be 60 million gals. in my lifetime thus far!

English superlatives are inadequate to describe the marvels of

–The brain, an enormously complicated collection of billions of neurons, enabling it to think and remember, both at the conscious and subconscious levels;

–The lungs; amazing organs which supply the body with the oxygen needed for aerobic

metabolism and eliminate the waste product carbon dioxide;.

–The kidneys which remove wastes from more than 3 ½ million liters of blood;

–The more-than-amazing intricate engineering of the human eye, enabling it to adjust the focus to different distances, admit different amounts of light, and correct spherical and chromatic aberration;

–The human ear, another masterpiece of engineering, making it possible for us to hear and to communicate with one another through speech, and also helping us to keep our balance;

–The skin, the largest organ of the body, protecting the body, and regulating body temperature.

Each function of the body is a special study in itself:

–The reproductive system, the conception and development of new life, and its entry into the world;

–The skeletal system: consisting of about 200 bones, provides a strong framework that supports the body;

–The muscular system: consisting of more than 600 interwoven muscles and tendons, moves the body;

–The respiratory system: enables the body to breathe; to continually take in oxygen and expel carbon dioxide;

–The circulatory system: moves blood throughout miles and miles of blood vessels, transporting food and oxygen to the cells;

–The digestive system: breaks down food into simple substances that the cells can use;

–The endocrine system: consisting of glands that regulate various body functions;

–The urinary system: removes various wastes from the blood and flushes them from the body;

–The nervous system: regulates and coordinates the activities of all the other systems of the body.

What is also most incredible is that all of these normal functions of a healthy body are done ‘automatically,’ most often without thought, or even awareness. We breathe, see, hear, smell, taste, and touch, subconsciously. Our hearts beat and our lungs breathe involuntarily. Our inward organs all work together spontaneously. Our muscles and tendons reflex automatically!

The latter is what incited my thinking: In my fall, apparently my muscles, automatically and instantaneously, tensed up to prevent injury, and the resulting pain reminded me that I use those muscles every time I lie down, sit down, stand up, or take a step. But because, normally, they do not hurt, I do not think of their essential presence and important service to my body!

We would do well to occasionally consider such everyday “normal” functions of our bodies more as “miraculous.” David did, when he wrote, “I will praise You, for I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. MARVELLOUS are Your works, and that my soul knows right well! My substance was not hid from You when I was made in secret and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, yet being imperfect, and in Your book all my members were written which, in continuance, were fashioned when as yet there was none of them.” (Ps. 139:14-16)

Job confessed, “Your hands have made me and fashioned me together round about…You have knit me together with skin and flesh, and have fenced me with bones and sinews. You have granted me life and favor, and Your visitation has preserved my spirit.” (Job 10:8,11,12)

We human beings are the crowning glory of God’s material creation (Ps. 8:5,6; Heb. 2:6-11), and He has a special purpose for every single one — including YOU!

Now may the God of HOPE
make you full of joy and peace through faith,
so that all HOPE may be yours
in the power of the Holy Spirit.

(Romans 15:13 Bible in Basic English)

In Agape, Eulene

WednesdayDay3of31

253
I'd rather no comment.

Got blood work done for thyroid
Can't reorder hormone cream witout new prescription
Hope doc will do both for me so I don't have to go back to the specialist in Edmonton for a simple prescription!

Tuesday Day2of31

251
Had a smoothy with the acai powder and supplements.

A small bag of snap peas, another of sliced carrots, a granola bar, a small bit of black forsest ham and some of my apple crisp.
1 coffee with international creamer

sunflower seeds, chocolate square 'morsel', two ryvita crackers with jam and peanut butter - its crazy, I don't even really like it any more, but something is missing till I have it.

Made a shrimp recipe from the Fitness magazine my sister in law gave me for Christmas. My eldest wanted to try it and it wasn't bad at all. :) (although the two younger ones didn't care for it) It had shrimp, peppers, garlic, carrots, pistachios....

I was still hungry and had another granola bar.

Then I had more of my apple crisp.

Did drink more water.
No excercise.

Monday Day1of 31

I was feeling very encouraged and excitement was building to take this 'ram by the horns' and get back in control; and then I spent the whole day trying to find the energy and will.

Didn't excercise this morning.
Did have a healthy smoothy with OJ, strawberries, banana, blueberries, acai powder. Plus took supplements.
I poured a coffee at work but only had one drink and threw the rest out.
I put a candy in my mouth and then spit it out.
I had a granola bar, an orange, and a taco salad with mostly lettuce, peppers and tomatoes in it.

But emotionally I have struggled all day in my job and to find energy.

I sat infront of the TV when I got home- thought I'd veg for 20 minutes and enjoy a morsel of dark chocolate I had set aside for weak moments - then I was going to go on treadmill/outside, and carry on with daily jobs. But then I got into a movie with my eldest. I had sesame seeds, a pickle, 2 Ryvita crackers with EDSmith jam ... and a little peanut butter...
By the time supper came I wasn't hungry. So I didn't eat... thinking to myself - 'just stop here and carry on - you can do this'.

I made an apple crisp with Tapioca flour and coconut - trying to be proactive in healthier snacks for my children and myself. I overate.

Now its after 9 - I have no energy for excercise, and feel grossly overfed.
Not the greatest start.

(PS - starting very swollen as I have had a lot of allergy foods last month.
Plus I really need to get my thyroid medication and order my hormone cream!
In hope that no one reads this - except for those who truly love me and pray for me - and for accountability sake I share - starting number 255)