Feb.End

Well, I haven't laughed nearly as often as I had hoped to with (or without) my children. This weekend is VERY busy and I will probably hardly see my kids ... so I have been looking ahead, and behind.

Another month draws to an end with a moon waxing full. I love looking at the moon, there is something magical about it - and yet its just a big rock. It has no light of its own, just the reflection of the sun, yet it has captivated us for centuries.


(taken out my back door this evening - need a better camera I guess, to really capture its beauty)




I am also ending the month full of hormones. Lovely things! And yes, there is sarcasm in my voice.

This weekend - Friday and Saturday full evening and day with fundraiser. Saturday evening is coffee house. Sunday is teaching Sunday School followed by potluck. And walah! It is March 1st!

This weekend I will laugh as often as I can, live a life of love, and try to make each moment count ... and ponder this coming month.

Ideas - order hormone cream!
-get thyroid rechecked and actually get my thryroid meds filled!
-start lazor treatment on my hormonally induced beard!
-subtract coffee and add water
-write a two week menu and do my best to stick to it (may as well utilize mom's personal blender that she left me, and the great acai powder!)
-get outside or on the treadmill for some decent blood pumping walks.

Looking ahead - March brings my girls turn at the symphony, three fundraisers, I imagine tons of work on our new school building needs to be getting started! Time change of course. And a celebration that I hold dearest in my heart - Passover, or 'Resurrection Celebration'.

Harmony pt.3

(My sister and I are swans - and Becca has always dreamed of having a harp - so I had to include this photo I found in a search of harmony pictures ;D)

My sister and I got excited about the amount of ways this analogy can be applied to our lives. Here's the last couple thoughts I leave with you to ponder on...

When I hear myself respond in a tone and manner that is not right I can now think to myself 'Hmm, that was a sour note', and ask my Tuner to work in that area.

When I find myself the recipient of 'sour notes' I can realize that I, or the situation, has hit a key that is not quite in tune yet. I don't judge, for I too have many keys to tune yet! I simply accept that we are all integral parts of God's great orchestra, and we are still in practice, getting perfected for the great performance before our Beloved.

"So we, numerous as we are, are one body in Christ and individually we are parts one of another ... having gifts that differ according to the grace given us, let us use them ..."

(ok, theologically, that should be Jesus lifted up, but its the idea of the beauty of diversity, cooperation, and thus HARMONY!)

Harmony pt.2

"This tuning though is not a one time thing. When we have been out of tune for a long time it takes frequent tunings in the beginning to get us to the place where we can maintain being in tune for extended periods of time. The more the piano is tuned and played the better it will sound and the less frequent the tuning! :)
.....
In the process of tuning we must submit to the work of God in us."
.....
(In November 2 friends of Becca's bought her tickets to see Michael W. Smith. She went to the concert Dec.18th (this 'revelation' of harmony occured on the 8th of December)
.....

"The last time I had been to a Michael W. Smith concert was in the mid 80's. I was expecting it to be the same - loud, and unless you knew the songs, the words would be indistinguishable. Boy, was I in for a surprise. I had asked Pat to keep my ticket until we got to the concert, I didn't want to lose it. Because I didn't have the ticket, I didn't know where the concert was. I thought maybe the Rexal Place, so I wore my jeans. After we had lunch I found out it was at the Winspear Center! I was wishing I had dressed up a little bit more! We found our seats and then the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra came out onto the stage and did their tuning up thing. I cried. That beginning part moved me more than any other part. It was like God displayed the reality of the picture He had given me for me to enjoy.

We aren't all a piano. We are each unique and as different as a tuba is to a piccolo or a bass to a saxophone. Each has its own sound, its own way of being tuned, its own way of being played, and its own song.

.....
Though each section plays a different song, when they all submit to and look to the conductor for the timing, the tempo, when to play soft and when to play loud, and when not to play at all, while following the music given to them (which they have practiced), they make wonderful music. If each were to do what was right in their own eyes it would be a mess. No one would want to listen to or be a part of something so awful. Each one must recognize that every part is important to the performance of the song.

God the Father is the conductor, orchestrating every detail. God the Son is the song, the music that soothes every heart,heals every wound, and forgives every sin. God the Spirit is the breath of life that is required for sound to come out of every instrument.

Each believer is different. The way the Holy Spirit works in each of us is different. Blowing into a trombone is different than blowing into a saxophone. The Life Song given to each of us is different. Yet when we are all playing under the direction of the Father, being led by the Spirit and not trying to be something we aren't (a trumpet trying to be a clarinet) and doing things we weren't called to do (a french horn trying to play the part of an obo) it works great and the harmony is amazing!

Tuning is God's discipline in our lives. And just like each instrument is played differently, and each part in the song is different so the method of tuning is also different. You don't tune a cello the way you tune a trombone, or timpani drums the way you do a harp. When we can see God's discipline in our lives in a positive light, something that is truly for our good, then we can embrace it and endure it patiently because of the joy that is set before us...."

My sister finishes with many verses from the Amplified Bible. Here I highlight just some key ones:
"Live in HARMONY with one another ...."

"So let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for HARMONY and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another."

"Now may the God Who gives the power of patient endurance and Who supplies encouragement, grant you to live in such mutual HARMONY and such full sympathy with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may unanimously with united hearts and one voice, praise and glorify God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

"And above all these put on love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness (which binds everything together completely in ideal HARMONY).
And let the peace (soul HARMONY which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts (deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state) to which as members of Christ's one body you were also called to live."

"Again I tell you, if two of you on earth agree (HARMONIZE together, make a symphony together) about whatever (anything and everything) they may ask, it will come to pass and be done for them by my Father in heaven. For wherever two or three are gathered (drawn together as My followers) in My name, there I am in the midst of them."

My sister then closes her letter

"Love, A Fellow Instrument in God's Orchestra, Becky :) "

But this theme does not end here, I must write one more blog including more of my conversation with her about this analogy .... ;D

Harmony pt. 1

I desire to share with you another illustration from my sister.

Since she was diagnosed with cancer she was asked to begin writing her journey, it has grown legs of its own, and she now entitles each 'booklet' "This Adventure Called Life" . I can easily see her writings becoming a book. While my mom was here I got to get a sneak peek at the most recent entitled 'Harmony'. It was a story that she had already shared verbally with me and it still has the same comforting and encouraging effect on me.

I have her permission to quote her here, but will do so in three blogs as it is quite long. I also will only highlight the key points of her illustration - perhaps if this wets your appetite to read more of her writings, I could connect you! :D

"In the wee hours of the morning on Saturday the 8th Ryan crawled into bed with us. Ryan went back to sleep and the Lord began speaking into my spirit. The first part of the analogy was how we are like a piano.

When we are born into this world we are born without a middle C key on our keyboard. We are spiritually dead, separated from God. Without the middle C key the rest of our keys are out of tune with each other as well as other pianos. Our lives do not make beautiful music, only noise.

When the Spirit of God draws us to Himself revealing our sin, we come to understand that it is only by grace we are saved. It is not of ourselves, it is a gift of God. When that happens we become part of His family, sons and daughters in His Kingdom. This is like Him placing a brand new middle C key on our keyboard. A perfectly tuned key, the very life of Jesus taking up residence in our heart, the center of our being.

The Lord then begins to tune all the other notes to that middle C. Not all the keys on the keyboard are exactly the same. There are seven notes in several octaves. But they all must be brought into harmony with that central note, the middle C. God's goal is that we become like Christ, that every area of our lives be in harmony with Christ's life in us.

The tuning process can be very painful, not only to listen to, but also on the piano physically (if it had the ability to feel :) ). For the master tuner hits each key softly, and then with great force. This is to reveal any weakness in the mechanism of the hammers and other parts involved in the playing of the piano. It is better for something to break while tuning it rather than during a performance. When something is loose he tightens it, if it breaks he replaces it, if it needs to be adjusted he fixes it.

This is where we tend to dig in our heels. We don't like the noise coming from our lives during the 'tuning process'. The words spoken in anger, the pride, jealousy, lust and selfishness that are revealed as the Master Tuner touches each key area of our life. Sometimes we may feel that God has deserted us because of all the yucky sounds coming out of our lives, but in reality it is the Lord's hand revealing where we are 'out of tune' with Him.

....
Once the piano is tuned the owner can then play beautiful music. The piano responds to His touch. Fast and slow, soft and loud, staccato and rests. The Creator, Tuner, Owner, Composer Musician, and Conductor are all the Lord. He made us, and therefore owns us, He saved us, disciplines us – tunes us, composed our life song, plays our life song, and conducts the symphony of the church. He makes beautiful things out of our lives. ...."

'love' weekend

Valentines.

Universal day of 'love'.

My first date with my husband 18 years ago.

The day my mom-in-law passed away 6 years ago.

...

Love - a much misconstrued word.

I could do a whole word study on it! The Greeks had a much better way of defining it then our English language for sure. There is brotherly love, parental love, marital love, and God's love - simplified anyway

...

A friend had used the term Living Intentionally a few months back and it has stuck with me. A large part of my intentional living involves how I want to raise my children, last month it involved taking the kids to do things special things - cross country skiing at the Boreal Center, down hill skiing at Little Smokey, skating to the arena Sunday evenings...

This months 'challenge' came from a deep longing to connect, strengthen and deepen my relationship with my beautiful children.

This last weekend it came across in having sleepovers every night for 4 nights, with a few of them overlapping ...

It was good to see my eldest spending time with girlfriends. She seems more open lately and I love seeing her smiling (and mischieveous) face. I hope she will continue to 'blossom' well.

My Christine is in the midst of struggles now, and I can only pray I will be a wise tool in our 'Gardener's' hands as she also develops into the woman she is destined to be.

My son also has some of his own 'thorns' to work through -

- huh, I didn't mean for so many gardening metaphors to come forth! must be close to spring! -

I want to meditate and ponder on some creative ways to love my kids in the last part of this short month - and I want to Intentionally laugh too -

Jesus, You are the author of my joy. May my eyes be opened with childlike wonder and joy at the blessings You give!

And to top off this 'weekend of love' - my mom came Saturday night and is here till Thursday.

If anyone has been an example of pure love, parental love, unconditional and patient love, it is my mom.

I find many people staying the same age over the last 20 years, and at times it hits me how fast time is flying. My mom isn't 40, she'll be 70 in September. She works harder then most anyone I know; and with a passionate attitude that if it is worth doing at all, you do it with your whole heart as for God. Anyone in the Lac St.Anne district would contest to that fact I'm sure. Yet now she finds herself frustrated at her slowing pace and the aches that her body is feeling. Between a couple bad falls cleaning the school, and the floor stripper that soaked her feet the first year there cleaning (she literally shoveled the old wax off!), her circulation in her legs bother her alot. I will give her a massage and try to rub her legs for her and the whole time she is feeling guilty because 'You're the busy mom, I should be doing this for you.' - silly, stubborn woman! (said with endearment)

A few weeks ago she heard 'something' in my voice on the phone and set out on yet another love quest for her child. She painstakingly built a binder of information and recipes that I can eat with my allergies and that are low gylcemic - not a small task! She came to my home with bags of special ingredients and a mini blender for me. I have been enjoying smoothies made with coconut milk, hemp milk; quinoa with asparagus, salmon baked on the BarBQ, apple crisp with a tapioca flour, and cookies made with the same flour, coconut cream, bananas and zucchini!

Last night I received a letter from an insurance company and my weight has once again jumped to the surface of my emotions and I had, yet another, melt down in front of my mom. What a tiring topic this is. Yet how patient, loving and helpful she has been throughout the years - since grade school! She listened lovingly as I poured out my frustration and fears with tears streaming down my face. She didn't give me a list of things to do, she has done all she can, and as hard as it is for her to understand, she tries to.

I love my mom.

Disjointed Soul Searching

Hearing myself talk to Christine on an old family video brought me to sobs, repulsion and regret. (Oh, it wasn't so bad that you should come and take the video down to the local authorities - but I really was not living in the moment, embracing my dear daughter. I quickly called her upstairs - and the poor, bewildered girl got hugs, kisses, apologies, and tons of 'I love you SO much'es!)

Cleaning up a back room I stumbled across, and read tidbits of, my diary from grade 12, and sit once again is awe of my stupidity and immaturity.

And with an always lingering question at my heels

- "Am I living intentionally?" -

I sit and ponder who I am and wonder if I really have changed at all, and if I will ever find the key I need to do so.

I am currently trying to listen to some teachings my cousin Tim gave me. One thing this man said was that
'discipline is not the problem, rather a lack of vision.'
He says with vision and clarity to our being, the discipline follows. I am looking forward to having time to listen more, especially on the part of building community - I am still sitting on my paper for the Body here in Slave entitled "The Messenger" - and am quickened to get back to it!


My husband and I recently discussed what we really want to do, have, be .... sadly, when I asked him "Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?" he responded "Still struggling".
I wish I had some concrete dream that I can say
"This is what I want and I'm going for it!".
I can see myself doing all sorts of jobs and careers.
What I DO envision and dream of is
WHO I want to be...
and that is not as tangible a thing to articulate.


Metamorphosis - 'Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...' ; 'Therefore if any woman be in Christ, she is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.'


Life is so short. What am I doing with it? What eternal thing am I allowing my Creator to build within me today? Faith is no good for yesterday, faith is for today, now.

If I truly believe the Holy Spirit dwells within me by faith - what am I doing today to 'release His Kingdom on earth'?


I sit and think of how I have failed, and even had a mild panic attack, regarding my lack of action within my friendship with a dear woman. A simple thing it would have been to pick up the phone, offer to let out the dogs, and yet somehow I never did it...
...I see glimpses of the person I want to be.

Yet am SO far from her, even in these simple things.


Yet I still hold hope.
I will continue to walk forward,
keeping my eyes and ears wide open,
dealing with my flesh issues of
weight, hormones and selfish emotions.
And trust that I am but the clay in a Potter's Hands,
Who is more than able to complete every good work in me!

(I have tried to upload a song - but still can't figure that one out - so here are the lyrics ...)

"...not because of who I am,

but because of what You've done;

not because of what I've done,

but because of Who You are...

I am flower quickly fading

here today and gone tomorrow,

a wave tossed in the ocean,

a vapor in the wind,

still You hear me when I'm calling,

Lord You catch me when I'm falling,

and You told me who I am...

I am Your's."

To Honor Tucker

My daughter begged and waited for a puppy for many years. First my husband picked out Katey - a farm mix - a lot of Rotty. She was awesome, but my husband and I felt that she was going to be too big for town. My mom took her to the farm - and oddly enough - she is now a 'house dog'! (We NEVER had pets in the house growing up, unless they were sickly calves born in 40 below weather!)

In our searching we narrowed things down and I found what I felt was a good match on Kijiji. A lady in the city was unable to keep Tucker due to a change in living arrangements. I knew it would be hard for her - but I appreciate, even more now, the trust she showed in us as strangers. Christine commented that she looked like she was in tears when her and Roger picked him up. So I have tried to keep Tucker's original owner up to date as to how he is doing. Tucker was adopted by us in May of last year.




Roger, however, has come to the conclusion that he simply can't stand an animal in the house; and instructed us to find a home for him. This has been a very difficult month and a half.

Thankfully my cousin Tim, who lives in the city, has offered to take him on a month trial basis. If he fits they'll keep him, if not, he'll aid me in finding a good home for Tucker.

I asked Tim to send me an update concerning how he is doing, the following is his note AND a VIDEO :) I sure hope this turns out that you can see it! (Tim is a professional and his video is much better then my pile of photos)

"Hi Ruth, we are delighted to have Tucker with us! He is such a good dog! He is cute, well-behaved, obedient and best of all goes pee in the corner of the yard. Here is a video of him playing with a golf ball he found in the closet. He tries to get Rolo to play, but to no avail. He also wants desperately to make buddies with Squirt. Elissa loves playing with him outside too! He is GREAT!"

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.walkyouthroughit.com%252Fvideos%252FTucker01.wmv&h=df052afd64bd49653619bb4061d319d0&ref=mf

I think Tucker is so cute trying to get Rolo to play with him! (Rolo is a dog they are really only babysitting.) Squirt is their pet wild squirrel! You should see the video footage Tim has of HER! His son found her in the alley as a baby four years ago. They nursed her back to health, released her, but obviously she 'imprinted' on them because she's still there, defends the territory and has become a big part of their family!

As for Tucker, I hope it works out at Tim's. I have kept copies of emails to the original owner and of our journals, I hope to scrap book them along with the oodles of photos we have - may be therapeutic for Christine and I.

Validation

Validation can go a long way in communication.

When we sense and know that the other person understands where we are at, that they care enough to pause and consider our point of view, we are much more apt to listen to what they have to say.


I could give examples galore of personal and shared situations where just a little validation defused a possible 'incident'.

I want to also say that validation is not the acceptance of all behavior and raising spoiled children, as some seem to think. It is showing enough respect for a person to take the time to empathize with their feelings. Then you are free to perhaps help that person into a healthier frame of mind.

What does a parent do, however, when their child finally shares how they are feeling and you are at a complete loss to understand it. I found myself in that situation about 9 months ago, and it continues.

Currently, each of my children feel that the others are the favorites - and in so - feel unloved. I can validate some of the reasons, but other's are so ... well, I'm feeling at a complete loss. And without being able to understand, really, where they are, how do I get there to help them back home to my love?

There is a selfishness in this too, that I CAN validate, in that I too have experienced similar thoughts and emotions. Yet I tend to jump on it to irradicate it. Selfish, negative thoughts will destroy anyone's life. It is SO true that our success is 10% of what happens to us, and 90% of our attitude about it.

So I guess there are two parts to my current struggle as a parent.
My ability to validate (eg. 'you never do anything with me' - yet I've begged and pleaded to do mulitple things, and asked for ideas of what they'd like to do - and get turned down steady!), and
My desire and passion to train up my children and their minds to always choose the 'higher road', the better perspective, the great attitude... because if they can learn that ability I believe that they will succeed at whatever they choose to pursue, and in any relationship they choose to build. (selfishness exuded, whining self-pity parties, continual negative perspectives and words ... and after 'validating', trying to discuss others options of view, or reaffirming positive words over them - being told that I 'don't get it' or 'just forget it' ... its hard not to fear them becoming those people who seem happiest to just be miserable)

Can YOU validate ME in any of this? ;P (lol)

Pondering Favoritism

I took our dog Tucker to my cousin Tim's house today. We only have a pick up, so two of my kids went to friend's homes, and Christine came with me to the city. Between regular hospital and orthodontic appointments I have had the pleasure of some uninterrupted chat time with my girls - and of all my kids, Christine can talk. :) Today was no exception.

She says she loves that she can talk to me, and it is very much recipricated! She talks about heart hurts, whats going on with friends, school, teachers, her perspective on our home, her dreams. She is bluntly honest, even honest enough to say "no offense mom, but some things are just better to talk about with girlfriends".

Today a topic came up with her that had arisen with my other two previously this week, they have made it abundantly clear that each feel unspecial, not as loved as the others, and not favored. This is a hard pill to swallow.

I recall the same emotions - my sister is a hard act to live up to :) - I recall coming to the conclusion that its ok that they love her more because they love my tons, and thats enough. Now, as a parent, I am hurt that the love I have given has not been enough some how; and flustered because I really don't know what else to do.

I have edited this as I could go on with examples of friends and success stories they could tell in raising kids, I could go on with my personal struggles parenting, I could go on explaining each of my child's unique 'circumstance' and feelings - ligitimate and not ...

Each one of us has something within us that desires to be the noticed one, the loved and appreciated one. Movies feed our fantasy of being that one chosen soul mate, that best mom, the best step mom, the best ____. Is that desire wrong? I don't think so.

Everyone of us also have a different 'love language'. As we muttle through as parents we search out our children's and do our best to meet it. We desire to facilitate our children, to be the wind beneath their wings, their favorite cheer leader and confidant.

Equal is not fair. I knew from the get-go of parenting that I am of that personality that I'm always trying to make things equal (so no one would misconstrue anything and be hurt). Yet, here I am, with three children questioning their position in our home and in life.

Ah, position. Confidence. If I am confident that I am the best I can be, that I am truly loved for who I am, and am who I am meant to be - then I can truly live by Phillipians 2:3 - 'let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.'.

I'm not talking about that self-destructive and false humilty, or always thinking 'woa-is-me, everyone is so much better' - no. Rather, its about recognizing that each of us is uniquely created and appreciating that fact. Understanding that all we have, and can be, comes from our Creator. If I am a Will Smith - successful in music, sit-coms, and movies - then the thanks belongs to God. If I am a custodian that does not seem to excel in anything particular - then the thanks still belongs to God. Our only hand in any of it is "Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your whole heart."

Then, when the love and praise come we can smile and say thank you. And when its someone else's turn, then we can join in and applaud them, without feeling that we have somehow lost favor because they have gained some.

And here again, I see yet another turn in this difficult entry! Is favor linked to praise? I favor my children, they have favor in my sight. Whether I am having to discipline them in something, or getting to cheer them on, they always have my favor. Yet somehow I have missed conveying that to them adequately.

I will continue to pursue blunt, honest and transparent communication with my children. I will continue to educate myself about who they are and what they need/want from me. And I will pray - for insight, discernment and wisdom.

Feel Invisible?

I had seen this at a woman's conference a few years ago, and then my aunt sent it last week in an email. I don't know the ladies name that is speaking - but she speaks the truth. I hope it blesses you.

Body struggle

I slept in this morning and probably shouldn't be taking the time to write. However my stress and frustration over my body is spiking.

I was doing better, I was seeing a bit of progress, I was even on the treadmill again. Over the long weekend we just had, I discussed with the kids, and planned a new chore list that I knew would require my time for the first few weeks through training and enforcing; as well as a new school night rule. Then 3 nights ago I allowed stress of an 'incident' to get to me - food and sleep wise. For the last two days I have really fought to take control. I have done pretty good all day, but evening hits, and even though I know I should just focus on getting to bed at a decent time, I end up eating the very things I should not - then the sugar in the food (I am assuming) gives me a boost of energy and I end up staying up late again!

I received the first of the Fitness magazines my sis-in-law gave me for Christmas last night. My eldest started throwing hints out there regarding mom excercising more, this morning I found myself getting very defensive.

When I sense myself getting defensive I know immediately that there is something within myself that I need to deal with. Not only is my weight a sensitive topic, so is my ability to parent. I have the selfish desire to be the center of my children's life, to be the one that they turn to for wisdom, mentorship, leadership, fun, love, etc. I recall when Samantha was only about 4, she had gone to my friend's home to play with her daughter. When I brought her home she fought and bawled at the door that she didn't want me, she wanted 'aunty'... I eventually gave up trying to win her over and sat at the door and cried with her.
I saw then that I needed to let go and simply thank God for the people He would bring into my life that would bless my kids with things I could not provide. Some times are harder then others.

I NEED to get control and demonstrate success in the area of my body's weight - for my Sam's respect, for Christine's hope, and for Dylan's example.
I desire to succeed to glorify God in my body, to have the confidence to do what is in my heart to do, to give my man a bit more of a body that he deserves to have and to hold, to extend my life and have it more abundantly.

I have had my oats this morning, and a coffee. I have packed home made chicken soup, an apple and a banana for lunch. I plan a corn chip 'taco' salad for supper. I plan to get on the treadmill. And all the while maintain the chores, homework, rules, ...

and love and laugh with my children.

Names

I wasn't sure where to start - really how do you explain who a person is adequately. But today on Facebook I saw links to the "urban dictionary" for meanings of names - and it got me thinking of our names.

In Scripture names were very important, as in Native cultures, the name was to reflect who the person was.
I recall when I was about 14, my dad took the opportunity during a family holiday to get up after supper and pray over each of us kids. In his prayers he utilized our name's meanings. It stands out vividly to me because I was taken back by how close our names matched who we had become. In turn, I too have written out prayers for each of my children, utilizing their names.

Seeing the meanings on Urban Dictionary gave us a bit of a laugh - I will choose the more appropriate ones for each of us - and then share with you my prayers for each.

Roger - Mostly sexual conitations - which I won't comment on ;)
- Understanding "Roger that"
- A Roger is loyal and loving. A Roger is kind, warm-hearted and supportive. A Roger is a gentleman. A Roger will never cheat on you. A Roger is slightly old-school. A Roger loves cuddling and sweet, tender kisses! A Roger is the best person you could meet. Usually Rogers are Europeans. A Roger is generally quirky, cool, eccentric, quiet and introspective. Rogers have beautiful and calm souls.


Ruth - Different things like compassionate, bad for returning phone calls, a Grandma, trustworthy, low self image, sort of pretty...
-(this one gives me a laugh though!)Ruth is the last name of a family of highly advanced intellectuals and talented sports figures (the most famous and well known of which, was Babe Ruth.) Their orgins date back to ancient Greece, 2900 B.C. It is rumored they were the first to discover fire and use the wheel. Generally, they are also incredibly cute. So cute, in fact, that for the first time in history, the first war broke out between nomads from the east and the Ruth's because the nomads kept invading their space to stare at them. The nomads had never seen anyone as cute. The Ruth's also are known for intense, out of this world, war strategy. Their cut throatedness is the fiercest out of any in the entire world.


Samantha - Usually a name for a person that is a walking Goddess. Gorgeous to the maximum, fun to talk to, easy to befriend with a sexy booty
-An feminate name created in the Antebellum South that was popular among African slaves. Samantha is a combination of the Arabic/African name Samad and the Greek suffix –antha which put together means Eternal Flower.


Christine - A deity; the best person to be in your corner; unlimited power and potential; a muse; someone that can change your life. Someone that takes your side even when you're wrong; soulmate; kismet; fortuitous; serendipity

Dylan - The most amazing person on earth who makes you feel great about yourself. Good listener and an amazing boy
-A person who can be childish at times, and is great at messing things up, but would never try to hurt or embarass the person he likes.

Alrighty then!
Roger - "Mighty Warrior" + Dean - "Head Leader/Presiding Official"
Father, I thank You for all You are doing in my husband. I pray that You continue to raise him up to be a mighty warrior for You - standing up for what is right with integrity and courage. I pray that You bless the work of his hands and place him humbly in a position of leadership in ALL his areas of influence.

Samantha - "listener" + Dawn - morning
Father, I lift Samantha to You and pray that You would still all the voices around her, cause her ears and heart to only listen Your Voice, and may she truly hear You. May she experience Your mercy new every morning and may Your love and blessings dawn upon her soul.

Christine - "Christian" + "Annointed"
Father, Thank You for drawing Christine's heart to Your's. May You completely fulfill the annointing that You placed on her since she was in my womb. May You truly be seen in her life and may she set the standard high for what a Christian's life should look like; may her life be as a full moon reflecting the Son.

Dylan - "of the sea" (really liked Dillon too - "faithful") + Robert "bright, famous"
Father, thank You for this amazing boy's heart. May You be his rudder on his ship in the sea of life. May he beable to withstand the stormy weather life throws, and may he quietly reflect on the vastness of Your love, grace and blessings in his sea of life. May he be faithful in all his relationships, and may he be famous for reflecting Your bright glory.

Ruth - "compassionate friend" + Hope - "trust, faith"
Abba Father, may all my hope, trust and faith be found only in You - my strong rock and fortress. May I love You as You have loved me, and in turn be a conduet for Your hope, love and compassion to flow through to others around me. Make me a friend to the friendless and lonely, and in the end may I hear You, indeed, call me YOUR friend. Renew Your compassion within my hurt and hardened heart, breaking my heart for what breaks Yours! May my life be completely surrendered to You, a poured out drink offering.

So there you go :) A glimpse into my family according to our given names. Perhaps this will spur you on to search out your names too, and may we consider the power of our words over our children!

In closing I'd like to share a verse regarding my Savior's name. My principal overheard a conversation I was having with a coworker, who happens to be a converted Muslim, regarding the trinity. She shared with me a verse that helped her - and it helped me also - and its one I hold close to my heart now ...

"For to us a child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and HIS NAME SHALL BE CALLED

Wonderful Counsellor (Holy Spirit),

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace."

(Isaiah 9:6)

The people we love

While I spoke on the phone to my mom this evening my son found three candles, set them up on the table, lit them, turned out the light, and gave me a massage.


It reminded me of 2008, when he came running in to grab a toy to take to the park and he saw me getting out the table cloth. He asked what I was doing, I told him I was preparing a nice going-away dinner for a friend of ours. He disappeared to his room, and I assumed he would be returning outside to play. He came out dress like this (I had to take a photo!) and was excited to help. He is the one that set the rest of the table, flowers and candles included. :)

I think of what I wrote late into the night last night and I feel it only right that I now highlight the four amazing people I live with.

(Husband and three children :) )

It is late now, and I should be upstairs getting some 'pillow talk' in, and actually get some sleep tonight, but I hope to start this challenge to "love and laugh with my family" by bringing to you a 'portrait', of sorts, of my four marvelous blessings -

and I can only hope I will be endowed with some divine articulation so I can do them some justice :)

'Stay tuned' ;D

Great is His Faithfulness

I didn't get to sleep till about 2:30am. About 5 am I started waking up with starts, thinking I was late for work - so now I am up.

But a song was playing in my mind first thing that I haven't heard for so long - hehe - God is so good, thanks for the reminder Jesus, and for the hope that I have in You...

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Refrain
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Refrain

Assessing

I pulled out my writing journal for the first time in a long while this weekend. I miss writing in it because I can doodle, and feel more free to jot down anything on my heart and not worry if it will make sense or not. As I reread my intro to the most recent journal (I have a stack of them over the years) a sense of sadness and frustration filled me, mixed with a sense of renewal to what I wrote. Here is a short clip from August 29th, 2009:

For years now I have grappled with 'abiding in Him' - which you can read from this blog page for better understanding - I recall the overwhelming sense throughout the summer that it was time to bear fruit. God's timing was impeccable in opening John 15:16 to me, and His word continued to resignate in me. I struggled to understand as I have felt so empty and utterly poured out.

It is now 6 months later and my heart is broken and my spirit in turmoil.

I have been 'tossed and turned by every wind of doctrine' - sort to speak. On one hand I know, with that deep knowing, that God has His hand on my marriage. I can see evidence of my Jesus working on my behalf around every turn ... and yet ...

'oh ye of little faith', 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'...

Warning - this really needs editing - please either wait a while; or read with a grain of salt, confidentially, and with the understanding it is difficult to summarize years of emotions,etc.

1)My husband is an amazing husband - he truly is. I often hear women make their complaints, and I always think to myself how blessed I am by to have the husband I have. You can see some notes about him near the end of September 09. And God is doing a work in both of us. Yet I have fought some ugly things within myself for a long time. As great as he is to me directly, I struggle with how he behaves. He is quick tempered, he is easily angered and irritated by things that I consider very minor, his tone is often condescending, I find he contradicts himself - although he doesn't see it. I find him to be racist and to have a negative and tense air about him. I hate writing any of this because I KNOW his heart is NOT to come across so. I desire to love him, truly love him. To be the wind beneath his wings and to be his soul mate. Yet we are so different, and it makes it very difficult for me. So then I find myself in these emotional states that can easily run away on me and I find myself thinking things that are not at all helpful or beneficial to my marriage. My marriage being the covenant that I made before God and witnesses to love him, for better or worse, till death do us part. What God has put together, let not man put usunder.

I also see and wish to recognize here that our Creator made us to fit together, and to complete each other. Without me he may be over the top with discipline and expectations of the children, and ranting even more about every thing that doesn't suit him. Without him I may be a push over of a mom with a home like a zoo - in number of animals and mess! We need each other, we need to enhance and magnify each other's strong points, and encourage lovingly and discreetly the weak points (yes, I see the contradiction as I blog about it!).

Majority of divorces happen when children are teenagers - right when they need a stable home. Coincidence? Hmm...

2)I have a friendship with someone that I truly respect and deeply love. This woman's philosophy on life and her walk in love for her fellow man is what I believe a Christian's life should look like. She believes what she believes out of careful searching and true conviction. We can talk about our creator, faith, prayer, family, homebirths and breastfeeding, and on and on. She pushed my faith hard - not in a desire to 'convert' - but just from an open and deep friendship that has great mutual respect.

Yet she doesn't believe in Jesus. She has witnessed first hand the manipulation and power tool that the Bible and 'religion' can be in man's hand. She has very strong intellectual arguments that I can not refute. It has, at times in the past, felt like I was the battered woman at the hospital trying to explain to the officer that he doesn't understand just how much the man who beats me loves me.

Yet how can I possibly deny God, my personal convictions or experiences. But in sincere truth I was going to walk away from God, more than once. At the height of my frustration, having set in my mind to walk away, unknown to the ladies, I was taking my last stab for God and attended my last prayer meeting. As it ended I was secretly saying goodbye to all of it. But God in His great mercy drew me in. Two obedient women stopped me, physically, from leaving as they sensed a necessity to pray for me. They knew nothing. They began interceding in a way they had never experienced(nor had I heard!). And word's of knowledge and visions were given. I left in tears, and both of them bewildered. The next morning I opened the Word, seeking out one thing, but God had other plans. The words leapt off the page and confirmed everything the ladies envisioned. I wept. Then I called them to confirm and try to give a bit of explanation - which they gladly accepted because they were doubting that they had heard or saw anything correctly.

Yet, here I am still very much drawn into this woman's life. I so long for her family to know Jesus like I do - yet I also long for Christians to know her as I do. Generally speaking, 'North American Christians' are nothing more than Sunday pew warmers. We don't know, really, what we believe or why we believe it. We come across as (and sadly are often truly) ignorant, selfish, hypocritical and judgmental. We do not reflect Christ at all. Seeing "the church" through her eyes opened mine to just how far we fall short of our calling. (I know this to NOT be true of SO many, yet as a whole, that seems to be where we are digging the image out of)

Shortly after this drawing of my heart back to God we suddenly moved. I left knowing that I had to throw everything out the window except for some very key foundational things - that I took 100% on faith, at that point, and not on intellectual or emotional bases. We moved to a location where I was now in close contact with those that didn't celebrate Christmas or Easter because of the pagan roots, etc. - which my girlfriend explained very well to me, seeing as she celebrates the originals. So my battle went from Bible vrs. no Bible to Old Testament vrs. New Testament.

This battle still continues. I open the Word and I can hear my girlfriend's voice, my cousin's voice, and my voice ... and am continually seeking to discern and longing to hear only HIS voice.

This is tough to summarize and still make sense. My friend loves me and the last thing she wants is to see me struggle. All of my opening statement about her motivate me to also walk true to whom I am made to be. The struggle is within my own soul. It becomes difficultly intertwined, when I am in the midst of the struggle mentioned briefly in my "#1", because I see her pursuing her heart and I see her family encouraging her, and she able to encourage them, and I long to have the same kind of relationship. Open communication where one is not told to get to the point, or having eyes rolled at their ideas. An environment where each family member feels - and is - safe, loved and built up to be a better person with each passing day.

Her path has led her where I cannot follow, perhaps part of my turmoil is feeling that separation and not liking it. I have made the conscious decision that, although I do love her, I choose Jesus.

3) Now to today. My eldest has had some issues building for about 6 years now. Everything came to a head in June of 09. I dropped everything in pursuit for my daughter's heart and some open communication. Once the communication opened I applauded every honest move - no matter if it hurt. One major point would be her 'dislike' for God, yet I told her that even though this, of course, concerns and hurts me - that I still love her unconditionally, that I am here to facilitate her becoming the amazing young woman I know she is created to be, that I want to help and encourage her. I did add the however. However, regardless of your beliefs, dreams, goals... some things simply are unacceptable, like lies, manipulation, deceit and purposely hurting other fellow human beings.

I am nervous sharing so openly, you can know there are deep issues that are simply taken to the feet of Jesus.

Issues still rear their ugly head, and she is now entering a three day suspension with some severe consequences at home (and one parent leary of the other's reaction that will soon be here, and trying to not show it). We are not always going to 'click' with those in authority over us. We need to learn to take the good and let the bad roll off. We need to be humble and teachable in order to excell in life. Yet, regardless of how we approach it, she chooses to be disrespectful. And now, in trying to hear her side, I ache as she tells me, while looking in my eye and without a hint of emotion, that ---edited--- Needless to say, it is now not only a 'school issue', and I have removed some of the privileges that she must think as her right. Have I not taught my children, have they not seen the programs, ... oh darlin', life could be much worse!

She is much like her father in many ways, and I sincerely don't understand either of them a lot of the time.(well, not completely true, its more so my daughter I don't understand - and I am NOT implying the 'negatives' come from her dad! Much of her humor, looks, and out look on life is what I refer to) How can one reach out to a loved one without being able to be where they are? I have often prided myself in being able to see things from the other's perspective and have always felt that a little justification into a person's feelings can go a long way. But how does one start when they truly don't understand where someone's emotions and thoughts are stemming from? Huh, perhaps this is part of my part in this big 'lesson learning time'. I love my daugher very much. I know she puts up walls very easily. If something comes up that she is not confident in she will bauch and say she doesn't even want to try, saying its stupid, etc. She is scared of groups of people, or people she doesn't know, preferring to live in a book in the basement. I don't have a problem letting her be herself, so she's an introvert, that's perfectly ok; but at the same time, she does need to stretch, and face her fear now and then, or she'll miss out on so much of life! If she is hurt, or thinks she may come across as dumb, she'd rather come across as a b*@!#, than show herself vulnerable. At the same time, she is extremely self centered and unrealistic. (Told a friend that we never let her do anything, yet for months we had been doing everything, except physically removing her from the house, to find something that she would like to do - anything!)

Now add into all this scenario - your daughter talks to her siblings about hoping you divorce - and seemingly for a lot of the same issues you have yourself at times.

At times like this I am glad I don't have to rely on my own wiles, or wisdom of men. In my spirit, as I write this and assess it all, I know that there is a battle for my family and unity thereof. My aunt just wrote a new post on her blog (lettersofhope.wordpress.com - you can find a link at bottom) regarding God upholding us. It was the first thing I read as I logged on - once again I wonder at God's timing! He WILL uphold us as we battle for our love. There is much my family has that is SO worth fighting for!

so...

He knows Samantha better than she even knows herself - and it is Him who chose me for her mom - and it is Him who can give me the word's of knowledge, insight, discernment and wisdom to love my daughter in a way that will most benefit her.

He knows my girlfriend, has since before the foundation of the world, and my prayer will always be that she know Him - even more intimately than I. I am pursuaded that He is able to keep me, and that my friendship with her has been no accident. I will to continue to love my friend.

He knows Roger and I, He knew we would need each other - even in times when we don't necessarily even want each other. He knew we'd make the choices we made and He knew He would entrust three beautiful children to our care. He is faithful and is able to work out all things for the good for those that love Him. He is faithful to complete every good work He has started - and it is indeed a very good work! :)

So...
Let me reinstate and update some of my goals from 6 months ago.
-to laugh at least once with my family daily
-to hug each of my children at least 3x daily
-to guard my thoughts
-to love my husband with my whole being, believing in the man God has destined him to be.
-to laugh with the students once a day
-to eat right with grace
(all this turmoil in an emotional eaters life requires much grace!)
-to relax in faith, rather then stress in fear,
and take each day as it comes
-to pursue time alone with God every day,
for it is in Him that I desire to move and breathe
-to walk or excercise in some fashion at least 4x weekly
(I have to start somewhere people!)

I close with some excerpts from some songs:

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.

Here's my heart, oh, take it and seal it ..."

"So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures,

fill my life again.

I give my life to follow everything I believe in..."

"Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Help me to love like You've loved me,

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause,

As I walk from earth into eternity."

Psalm 34:17-19 "The righteous cry, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saves such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivers him out of them all."