Ruthie's thoughts

Reinventing Self

2011-12-12T08:46:00.002-07:00

heart issues

2011-07-23T20:39:00.003-06:00

Love is pointless if it can't be given in times of hardship and trial. But is there a line between sacrificial love and protecting one self? Or does sacrificial and true know no boundaries? How does one keep her soul true in the midst of hurts, how does she keep loving when all she really wants is to shut down or run away.
Communication is so difficult.
When you know the other doesn't intend or mean to hurt you, how are you to walk in love. Is it enabling negative behaviour to carry on as though it doesn't affect you?

Brick walls and towers

2011-04-05T00:44:00.004-06:00

[Meditations on devotional entitled "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst]

Use each craving for a prompt to pray, then

Brick by brick

dismantle the tower and

pave a pathway of prayer

to victory!

<> When I read these words I asked God why he couldn't just take a wrecking ball to my wall/tower ... He said all I would have left is a pile of rubble to deal with. Brick by brick is more thorough, and just watch God make something beautiful out of your mess! He can turn fear into faith, shame into Godly identity, jealousy into love and compassion.

A wise fish will recognize LURES

2011-04-05T00:08:00.005-06:00

[Meditations on a devotional book entitled "Made To Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst]

I have been born and raised in a Christian home, and it always amazes me when passages I have read through, and heard preached on at least a dozen times, reveal yet more! So it was in chapter one of this devotional.

1 John 2:16 clearly highlights THREE LURES to tempt us...
"For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but of the world."
1)LUST OF THE FLESH
-craving for sensual gratification (Amplified)
-PHYSICAL NEEDS (Lysa)
2)LUST OF THE EYES
-greedy longings of the mind (Amplified)
-MATERIAL NEEDS OR DESIRES (Lysa)
3)PRIDE OF LIFE
-assurance in own resources, and stability of world (Amp.)
-NEED FOR SIGNIFICANCE (lysa)

Now look at Gen.3:6
Eve
1)Saw tree was good for food (physical need)
2)it was delightful to look at (material desire)
3)desired in order to make one wise (need for significance)
Lysa says "the very downfall of humanity was caused when Eve surrendered to a temptation to eat something she wasn't suppose to eat" - ouch!

Then we look at Matt.4:1-11
Jesus was tempted to:
1)make stones into bread (physical need)
2)have kingdoms of the world (material desire)
3)throw Himself down onto rocks (need for significance)
-proving Himself Son of God
Of course, Jesus did not nibble at the lures.
Makes me think of all the scriptures that talk about the power of Christ in us. He is our example and help to recognize and resist temptation.
'His divine power has given us everything we need for life'
2Peter 1:3-11

1John goes on to say,
"the world is passing away and the lust of it;
but he who does the will of God abides forever."

Throughout the days that have followed my original reading of this chapter my eyes opened anew to the motives behind thoughts and feelings. It's rather startling - how SO much comes down to these three things.

What are you rich in?

2011-04-04T23:49:00.007-06:00

[Meditations on a devotional book entitled "Made To Crave" by Lysa Terkeust]

In Matthew 19 a rich man comes to Jesus seeking life. Jesus recites the commandments to him and the man says he has kept them all from his youth. Then Jesus tells him to sell all he owns and come and follow Him. The rich man went away sad.
Some may use this to talk about money - but I really like how Lysa articulates it.

"The rich young man then goes away sad because he won't give up the one thing that consumes him. ... Jesus didn't mean this as a sweeping command for everyone who has a lot of money. Jesus meant this for any of us who wallow in whatever abundance we have. I imagine Jesus looked straight into this young man's soul and said, 'I want you to give up the one thing you crave more than me. Then come, follow me.' ... Following Jesus is serious business...'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.' "

So what are you rich in,
that you crave more than God,
that causes a wedge between you and your Creator?
I can assure you (and myself!) that denying one self
- choosing not all that is permissable, but only what is beneficial
- picking up that cross and following Jesus
- THAT has rewards far greater than anything else can offer.

Future conversation?

2011-03-23T13:19:00.002-06:00

I can imagine my husband coming to me concerned - wondering where the woman he married went. He'd be feeling like he married a pretty mare and now he's wrangling a young, frisky fillie!I think I would say something like:

"I am still the same woman. For nearly 20 years you knew the Ruth that was hid in under the baggage of shame, guilt, fear and failure. Now that is all gone and I am free. Free to love, free to laugh, free to live life to the fullest - the way God intended me to!"

(I slept in this morning and missed my work out with Leona - but just logged 40 minutes on treadmill - going 2.58km and burning 484 calories)

'New' Goal

2011-03-08T15:54:00.002-07:00

For over a year now I have had it on my heart to be intentional about visiting people. I have made some good steps - however, each visit has led to a commitment! But it's all good! :)

.... anyway, one such visit led a friend asking if I would like to come work out with her in the mornings. For her, morning meant 5am - her husband often leaves at 3am and that is when her day starts! I told her I would think about it. Two weeks later I called her and said I could - but not till 6-6:30am. So I started to walk over to her place about 6am every Monday , Wednesday and Friday. The first day she asked what my goal was.

I told her that fear prevents me from setting any goal other than trying to be more active and eat right. I had failed so often and did not want to set myself up for failure again.

As a couple weeks progressed, and I watched my son working out at TaiKwonDO, and visited with a mom in the stands that is getting into shape with her husband; courage started to rise.
I am at home with my children at this time - what better time to take the time to work by butt off!?
So I began to journal my eating, tried out a calorie counter on line, and have now 'secretly' chosen to set out to lose this weight that SO encumbers me.

Now I must find work this month for financial reasons - while homeschooling the kids (see earlier blogs for more info) - and a fear rises that it won't happen. But I am determined to be more determined. Even if I don't fully succeed THIS time I will choose to look at it that each attempt will get better and that I am in training for success.

AND, some fall out - a couple times I borrowed some of the videos we use and brought them home and have my kids working out with me - this will continue as long as I can do it!

I'm keeping it simple right now - Working out hard at LEAST 3 times a week, excercising preferrably 6 times a week, taking Sundays off. To eat well - and avoiding the allergy foods that cause me to retain water.

I already feel energy and my muscles and hope. I know losing weight will greatly enhance my life and greatly reduce many of my issues.

So here is to new born hope!

'Older' Women Arise!

2011-03-01T07:37:00.021-07:00

Personal struggles are not hard for me to share, or be transparent about, except for when they involve others. I have a struggle ... and it involves loving my husband.

Now before you go and get all 'oooo', 'oh-oh', or even 'I'm with ya sista!';

let me clarify something. My husband is truly a remarkable man. I don't say that lightly. He is my help, my provider, my lover, and the laughter and heart-beat of our home.

But he's not perfect.
WHAT!? Not perfect!? How dare he fall short!

(Yes, that is dripping with sarcasm!)

I know my thoughts and reactions to things are not good, healthy or productive. I sway between angry frustration, numb robotic action, and heart-wrenching tears of hopelessness. NOT exactly how I'd like to be defined! As I search my heart and ask God for help in knowing how to better deal with the issues within my marriage a thought has been crossing my mind ...

'Let the older women teach the younger

how to love their husbands'

... where have I heard that ... oh yes, Titus 2...
But wait a minute, you mean loving my husband isn't a natural out pouring!?

Afraid not girls, not 24-7 anyway, not in these mortal bodies.

Not only do each of us have issues, we each have our own way of doing things that can simply irritate others - not because its wrong or bad, but just because its different.

In ideal times we can choose to give grace and love people, to laugh at the idiosyncrasies, and to choose to embrace the variety and uniqueness of lives. However, life is not always ideal.

Love, true love, should be unconditional. And love, not nagging, brings out the best in people! What is it that makes me struggle to love my husband?
...
I started this blog while in the midst of a highly electrifying and strained emotional state, but thankfully, as I worked on writing out my heart what I wrote transformed into something new.

...

I have been blessed with many 'older women' teachers in my life,

my sister being the most influential...

Lessons from my sister: MY 'older woman' mentor

1)Selfishness
The lessons against selfishness have been a life long example my sister has lived out.

One particular occasion we were all home, she had her usual busy day with a lot of little children, it was getting late, she had been running up and down the stairs trying to get the kids settled in, and on one of her runs back up the stairs - in midst of an obvious task - my husband asked her to get him a pop from downstairs!

You know what, she spun on her heel, went back down, got him a drink, brought it back up to him and carried on without a glimmer of a sigh! I saw her do things like this multiple times - be very quick to put aside whatever her busyness was in order to serve another - even if the other was just sitting around!

I recall, when I was still in school, and we went to visit her family. I was in one of my 'awe moments' of her (I often feel like I will pop with love and respect for my family!), I listed several things that I saw in her and concluded by saying that the crown SHE would receive from Jesus was going to be mighty big! Without a moment's hesitation or pride or blushed humility, with a simple state of fact, she turned to me and laughed and said it didn't matter, she was just going to lay it at Jesus' feet anyway!

Scriptures are very clear that we need to have a servants heart, and esteem others better than ourselves.

If each of us are only watching out for ourselves, then we are the only ones upholding ourselves.

However, if each of us are watching out for others more than ourselves, then we each have many others upholding us!

(follow that!?)

So in marriage? If I am so busy with concerning myself about MY wants, MY dreams, MY needs, MY rights ... and my husband HIS ... then we are not a unified body, we are not two becoming one. Marriage is a picture of our union with Christ - the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, laying His life down for her ... and the wife is to love and respect her husband as the church does Christ. If I fight for the head position - who will be the heart!?

Selfishness needs to go!

2)Defensiveness
I often recall a fight my husband and I had many years ago, it was a doozy. I called my sister and poured out my heart to her. She patiently waited for me to finish and then said, 'You have every right to be upset Ruth, your emotions are justifiable. But what does God say?'

As my big sister her flesh wanted to run to my defense, but she is not flesh led, but rather Spirit led. The lesson I learned that day is that if I defend myself, God cannot.

If I have done something wrong I need to do all I can to make it right, but if I have sincerely searched my heart and did nothing wrong, then I need to let go and let God deal with it. What I did wrong that day was to get defensive.

-If I am dead to myself and esteeming the other better than myself, then I should be able to hear critism and humbly accept the growth. Even if the issue is very minor and the way I was doing something wasn't necessarily wrong, why get defensive or upset about it!? Why NOT try something a new way?!

-If your loved one is acting in a way that 'just isn't like him' - it's probably a spiritual battle or other issue in his life that you may be unaware of. Trying to change it, battling it out with our flesh, or trying to defend ourselves will only escalate the issues - instead it's time to get on our knees ladies!
-If I am confident in who I am in Christ there is no need to be defensive in any area.
-Getting defensive, I have found, is a major cause of conflict in my home.

AND I am convicted that it is also a sign post to me that I am walking in my flesh and not the Spirit.

3) Expectations
As long as our expectations are on man we will be let down. My sister can share many stories, but I will share the one that was the most blatant to me. She was feeling unloved and unappreciated. She went to God in prayer and He asked her 'what do you want Becky!?', off the top of her head she said she wanted for her husband to call her Sunshine. He had never called her that, she wasn't sure why that popped in her head, and now she wondered if she should tell him what she wanted or not ... after all, how will he know otherwise - but then it won't come from his heart .... she surrendered it to Jesus and went about her business. Then, as she was carrying laundry from upstairs to the downstairs, and as she passed through the living room her husband casually said, "Hey Sunshine!". She proceeded downstairs and cried! It was like God Himself called her that - which, I think, He did! Interesting enough, her husband had never called her that before - nor since! God moved her husband to demonstrate in a very tangible way that she IS loved and appreciated!

God knows our needs, and He knows that people can't fulfill our every need

- but He can!

If my expectation - and therefore eyes - are on HIM, and I pour my heart out to HIM, then He fulfills those needs. Perhaps not through the method WE expect - but it always turns out that He DOES know better than us!

4)Power of Prayer and Submission

Both my sister and I have experienced first hand how much more thorough, true, and complete things are accomplished when we pray for our husbands rather than 'nag'. On occasion God will 'give a word for due season' for us to express ourselves to them. It's not that we can't discuss things with our men. But the main idea is that if there is something bothering us, rather than 'lose it' on the poor guy, take it to God in prayer. Sometimes God changes them, and sometimes it's us that needs to change perspective or behavior! One thing I love about this is that when I have seen the changes in my husband I KNOW that they are sincere and complete in him, and not an external attempt to appease me!

I have included submission with prayer because of a great example ... from my sister :) . She NEVER goes anywhere by herself, since she has had children she has been a stay at home mom. The ONLY time her and her husband have 'gone away' has been for the home schooling conference - and even then she often had a nursing baby or a teen with them. Also the once when she went to Mexico with Mark for cancer treatments. But before her cancer, she had asked Mark about watching the kids so she could go to the city for the day by herself to buy gifts as it was very difficult to do so with them there. He flatly told her no!

She was hurt and angry - but no one knew because she took it to God in prayer. She went ahead and ordered things from the catalogues and did the best to do her shopping, she would admit later that she was struggling with a bit of bitterness. BUT, the Saturday that she had wanted to go to the city to do all the shopping? Turns out that that Friday herself and a couple of her kids got very sick to their stomaches and were sick all weekend. IF she had rebelled and said 'Forget this! Parent up buddy!' and had held off to buy gifts until she went - NO Christmas gifts would have been boughten in time for Christmas! Think God knew?!

I too, encouraged by my sister's example and testimonies, have now experienced the blessing of submitting to my husband as unto God.

The word submission puts a bad taste in most people's mouths today. They see it as slavery, as being used as a door mat, as treacherous dictatorships. But that is NOT the submission God talks about! Do we or do we not trust God?

Many parents have their children jump into their arms - and the first couple times, for many children, it can be very scary - jumping out into nothingness, hoping mom or dad will catch them. But after they DO take that leap of faith they enjoy it so much they want to do it over and over again! So it is with God. It becomes exhilerating to be faced with a frustration or concern, and then to take that leap of faith in God, submitting to His principles, and seeing the cool stuff He can pull off and the disasters He saves us from!

Current issues?

I have dreams of how I envision my family life to be...

I want to be upbeat, ready to give a word of life and encouragement, having a positive attitude in all things, to be known as a solution seeker, not a problem pounder.

I would like my family life to be marked by laughter, sprinkled with times of intimate tears and deep conversation, all infused with the life flow of the Holy Spirit.

I would like my home to be that place that you always want to be because you know that, regardless of what is going on in your life, you will be loved, encouraged, built up and you will be better for being here.

I would like us to be a family that truly lays down our lives for others - even little things like giving up a room for free to a man who is coming into town and needs place to stay.

I expect myself to be a mature Christian woman who is secure in who she is in Christ, that is well on her way to being that older woman who can, in turn, give wise counsel to others.

But then negative words fly, bad attitudes saturate the air, a condescending and/or critical spirit rears its ugly head to tear apart my family - and what do I do? React. I should respond, but I react. And more negative attitudes and thoughts swarm in my home and heart.

My expectations and dreams not being fulfilled I react and even begrudge! How ridiculous!
If I myself, will not learn to renew my mind and respond maturely, how in the world can I expect others to do so!?

-My husband continually shows love to me in the most intimate and affectionate ways he knows (and I have come to realize how much I really need that). Yet, I don't respond because I FEEL like, sprinkled in between each of those moments, are critiques or condescension. So when he comes up behind me and says I'm the best - I struggle to assimulate the two perceptions.

-Sometimes he is treating me very lovingly, but the way he is speaking to our children, or reacts to an issue I bring up - like finances, frustrates me greatly and is not the way I think it should be. Then when he turns to me with some loving comment I struggle to respond appropriately.

-Sometimes he simply states something, and my insecurity, or dream of being utterly loved and looked up to by my husband, causes me to take "the floor sure needs to be washed" as "you are so lazy" ... either that or 'you are a terrible mother who doesn't know how to train her children in chores"!

-Sometimes his tone is condescending or critical, but I'm sure we have all had our days that strain on us and we end up using a tone we don't intend. These are the times when a quiet answer can turn away wrath, and totally diffuse the situation! (And if this is a spiritual stronghold, I would much rather deal with it on my knees, then allow it to fall to my children to deal with!)

-When I focus on the things that irritate me and think of the negatives, a disrespect grows in me and I will confess I even begin thinking of ways to get out of the marriage - or the flip happens and I feel so completely hopeless and like an utter failure and think it best for me to go away - one way or another.

Neither of these are from above, or productive to anyones interests!

However, when I keep my eyes on Jesus, and focus on the facts - the positive things about my husband, that he doesn't intend to hurt me, but loves me - then I can better respond to each situation. Not perfectly mind you, some days I have a running conversation with God - that I wouldn't want others to hear! But He is faithful to help me when I rely on, depend on and trust in Him.

And you know what else? If my husband wasn't the kind of man he is I would probably be a total push over as a mom. And my home may be set up the way I like better, but it could also be much dirtier! Maybe he does need to learn things ( in which I know God is already dealing with!) but I have just as many, if not more to learn!

As a couple we need to magnify each other's strengths, being humble enough to learn from them.
And then diminish each other's weaknesses to others, while encouraging and supporting them in those things.
Then the two work together as one complete unit and beauty comes.

So - 'older women' arise! Let us encourage one another in what is right and good, transforming our minds by the power of His Spirit - and see our homes transformed to raise the next generation!

Where lies your hope?

2011-02-20T23:01:00.007-07:00

As the pages of life turn a truth rings true to me, that nothing is truly secure in this world, nothing is sure.

I recently rewatched 'Cinderella Man' with my children, a movie based on the true life of Jimmy Raddock, a boxer who inspired a nation during the Great Depression of the 1930's. He comments to a friend that he had stocks in a taxi company - figured a cab company in New York would be gravy for his grand kids.

I recently talked with a friend who has worked for a bank for years, during this last little slump a couple years ago her 'sure' pension was cut by a third.

I think back to when my husband worked for a mill, a big company, a 'sure' cheque coming in biweekly. 'Sure', that is, until a hap meeting happens away from home and you hear from others, from another town, that pink slips will be handed out that week.

I consider the choices before me. I think of the 'should'ves' like 'I should have gotten my nursing or teaching certification before I had kids'. I think 'if only I had a job that gave us benefits, pension and insurance', I think 'I wish financial and business sense came easier to me'.
Then I think about what I'm thinking about.

Being a good steward is important, learning and growing should be a life long journey, seeking wisdom, understanding and counsel is wise. However, in the long run, our trust and hope cannot be in these things. I cannot rest in the belief that because I have insurance nothing can destroy me, or that because I have pensions and investments that I will have a comfortable retirement. Or that because I live in a blessed country that it will always be able to support those who can't support themselves, or that I will always be able to find a job to at least put milk on the table.

So, although I do seek to wisely live my life with my husband and family, where DO I put my trust and hope?

Solomon, a King that I have been told is the richest and wisest King in history, wrote a book called Ecclesiates. He carries on describing all the achievements he had, but concluded that in the end they were all but 'chasing after the wind' and 'meaningless'. He says, 'When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.' (Ecc.7:14)

I don't know what the future holds - but I DO know Who holds the future.

In the wise book of Proverbs - some of which Solomon wrote - we are assured that, 'There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.' (Prov.23:18)

Jeremiah quotes our Creator as saying, "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jer.29:11)

And Paul stands firm when he said, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39)

I have chosen to put my life into the hands of the One Who created it.
He spoke everything into existence, from the tiniest specks in a DNA strand to the outermost parts of space that we cannot even fathom. Then He knelt down, took the dirt of the speck called earth, formed a male and breathed life into him - making a spiritual being that could have fellowship with Him. He formed a a female from the rib of the male, designing two distinct beings, that when brought together could make one - designing a beautiful picture of our union with Him, and a powerful spiritual force when in unity. He has woven a tapestry of time, types, pictures; and a tapestry of love and grace. Ephesians says, "He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment - to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ."

We really make our Creator much too small.
He uses analogies in His inspired scriptures like He being a Father and we His children, and He the husband and we the bride. He does this to help our minds wrap around it with a minut bit of understanding. Do you know science has discovered that we have roughly 3 million years worth of memory space in computers - called the human mind? Do you know we have only begun to scratch the surface of how infinitely tiny we can go - or to how infinitely vast space spreads?

From Jesus' conception to His death He fulfilled all the prophesies of the Messiah. He is a historical fact; and by His grace to me, through all my questioning and doubting, has graciously bestowed on me faith to believe and drawn me to Himself. He is God, He was there in Genesis when He said "Let US make man in our own image, male and female...". Yet He humbled Himself, gave up all His entitlements (which our society wreaks of today), took on the form of man, and sacrificed Himself that we may be with Him.

To say my hope and trust is in God can sound so canned and religious.
I am straining to share my heart ... how short my articulation falls!

- I had a terrible allergy for 5 years, was prayed over and saw multiple specialists. But God's timing is perfect and He wove beauty out of my pain.
- I had our first baby before we had 'planned'. But God knew we would need the extra incentive to fight for our marriage.
- I wasn't expecting to decide to move to my mom and dad's and be gone within two weeks. But God knew my daughter would be diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and that I would need the support of my mom and and UofA team. But God knew that we would want to be closer to Roger's mom as she was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and passed away. But God knew the blessing it would be for my children and I to build a relationship with their Great Grandma.
- I wasn't expecting to find myself unemployed in October and both of my husband's legs taken from under him. But God knew.

He knew back in 1973 (and truth be told, before the foundations of the earth! :) ) that I would make decisions that have lead me to the place I am today.
AND
He knows where my loved ones and I will be next week, next year, and twenty years from now.
He knows when He will call my children's hearts to His.
He knows what will happen to the economy.
He knows what dangers lerk around the next bend, and where all the gold and silver is that He created.

So please know,

I am not trying to give a canned answer,

nor a religious one,

but a faith infused,

grace grown

belief statement,

that my hope lies in my Jesus ...

Lord of all, the Christ, the Son of the Living God.

Waiting

2011-02-17T13:13:00.008-07:00

In the fall of last year circumstances occurred that were out of our control. A decision made by those in authority over me, and a very rare injury that took my husband's legs for a solid 14+ weeks, placed my entire family at home. Finances stopped, but thankfully, the blessings from friends and family has carried us through; and until recently I experienced that peace that passes understanding and an excitement for this new chapter God was bringing us into.

Now my husband's legs are progressing, he'll be starting physio very soon, and is building up to be back to work full time. The decision for us to homeschool was for an undetermined amount of time, and now we face a lot of difficult decisions. I know God's timing is perfect and that He's never late - and although I know the fact that He's never early only strengthens my faith, that doesn't make me necessarily enjoy the wait!

I have poured my heart out in my journal, within which I list off all the dreams within my heart. It is important to goal set, dream, and affirm where you are going. Although what we do and where we go matter, it is much more vital who we are and are becoming. My heart's desire and longing is to hear my Creator's Voice, I am willing to take any leap of faith - if I know He's in it.

So I have my days when I feel like a hamster in a wheel as I juggle all the pros and cons of our many decisions, looking for open or closed doors, searching my heart for where His peace is leading ... then exhausted, I fall back into His arms.
I think I strive and stress during these times because I fear missing the mark. I have a sense of urgency that time is short, particularily with my children and don't want to waste a day, then day to day stuff happens and time continues to slip through my fingers. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings, only enhancing the lie that I have failed and will continue to fail. But fear is contrary to faith, and I am choosing to forget what is behind and to press toward the mark that God has called me.

I believe God will open doors for us, and we will one day look back on this time and see His fingerprints all over it. I know this to be true because I have experienced it before in other circumstances, and witnessed it in other's lives. So while I am in this waiting room I will choose not to give way to fearful, stressful decision making. I will renew my mind daily, seeking out my Abba like a child playing hide and seek with daddy, and follow His leading in any preparation that is needed for what, only He knows, is coming.

Are you waiting? Here are some encouraging words from scripture:
Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways
(Ps.37:7-8a)

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in every situation,
by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds
in Christ Jesus.
(Phil 4:6-7)

Those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall rise up with wings as eagles,
they shall run and not grow weary,
walk and not faint.
Teach me Lord to wait!
(Is.40:30)

Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits ...
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
(Ps 103:2,5)

In your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
to your holy dwelling.
(Ex.15:13)

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.
(Is.42:16)

Good-bye -written Sept.21

2010-10-05T06:00:00.003-06:00

I am writing this Tuesday evening, September the 21st
- the fist day of fall, with a beautiful full moon outside.

A battle rages within me that I fear to voice...
A battle rages in my home...

I do believe greatly that the power of our thoughts and words affect every area of our life.

I do believe that what we see and hear greatly influences our thoughts,
which flows to our hearts
and back out our mouths.
Releasing chemicals and electrical impulses throughout our vessels.

My children have watched and listened to a great deal of 'stuff'.
I have allowed it.
Now I reap what I sowed.

In 1 Samuel Eli, the high priest, learned of his two sons basically stealing from the offering to the Lord and sleeping with women at the temple gate. Eli spoke sternly to his sons and told them to stop, but they did not listen. Then God put an end to Eli's family and their service to the Creator because 'he did not restrain them'. God has been bringing this passage to my mind a lot over the last year or more.

As parents we are responsible to teach and train our children.
They are not mini adults as I once sermized. Dr. Caroline Leaf demonstrates how until a brain is about 18 years old it still is not fully developed and is still building it's 'foundation' that will determine a lot as an adult.
You need to teach a child to do right - not wrong.

Teach a child in the way they should go ...

I have made some big blunders ...
So the computer, and influences tied to it, must go .... at least for awhile.

bye bye.

More than 40 mom!

2010-10-04T06:00:00.000-06:00

Concluding notes from my mom's study:

(Day 41 :) )
THROUGH CHRIST, I CAN DO ALL THINGS
- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil.4:13

(Day 42 :) )
CHRIST WILL PRESENT ME “HOLY, UNBLAMEABLE AND UNREPROVEABLE IN HIS SIGHT” – Col.1:22

(Day 43 :) )
IN CHRIST, I HAVE A FANTASTIC FUTURE -
“God…hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: (why?) that in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.” Eph.2:4-7
We will return to the earth with Jesus Christ and all the saints (I Thess.3:13) to rule and reign with Him for 1,000 years (Rev.5:10; 20:6) in a kingdom of peace, justice and righteousness.

(Day 44 :) )
IN CHRIST, I am on the winning side!
“Then cometh the end, when he shall have delivered up the kingdom to God, even the Father; when he shall have put down all rule and all authority and power……..’’ I Cor.15:24-28

ALL GLORY IS DUE UNTO HIM!!

“BUT OF HIM are you in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: that, according as it is written, HE THAT GLORIETH, LET HIM GLORY IN THE LORD!” I Cor.1:31

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of GOD, and not of US.” 2 Cor.4:7

I’m a NEW CREATURE! Gal.6:15
I live under a NEW COVENANT! Heb.8:8
I have a NEW NAME! Rev.3:12
I have a NEW spirit! Ezek.11:19
I have a NEW heart! Ezek.366
I have a NEW SONG! Ps.40:3; Rev.5:9
ALL things have become NEW! 2 Cor.5:17

WORTHY IS THE LAMB THAT WAS SLAIN TO RECEIVE POWER, AND RICHES, AND WISDOM, AND STRENGTH, AND HONOUR, AND GLORY AND BLESSING ! Rev.5:12

Notes of Interest:

I am being CONFORMED,
and will be CONFORMED to the image of Jesus Christ. ( Rom.8:29)
The Greek word for CONFORMED in this Scripture is ‘summorphos’ which means having the same form – we do not TRY to be like Jesus – we have HIS LIFE IN US!
(Other scriptures with this meaning are Gal.4:19, Phil.3:10 and Phil.3:21 where the English words formed, conformable and fashioned are used.)

Rom.12:2 says, “be not CONFORMED to this age”.
The Greek word for CONFORMED in this Scripture is ‘suschemnatizo’ which means to fashion in the same way.
In reality, we are new creations, the same substance as Christ.
Why would we want to fashion ourselves to be what we aren’t?
“….but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind”
- to undergo metamorphosis - another study!

Phil.2:6,8 says, "Who, being in the FORM (morphe=structure, essence of His nature) of God,
and, “being found IN FASHION (schema=appearance) as a man…”
In reality, He was God, but He fashioned or took on the appearance of man.
(good point for those who don't believe that Jesus was God)

To that last I'll add Isaiah 9:6:
"For unto us a child is born,
unto us a SON is given:
and the government shall be on His shoulder:
and His name shall be called
Wonderful
Counsellor (HOLY SPIRIT),
the Mighty God,
the Everlasting FATHER,
the Prince of Peace."
In one verse Jesus is called all three - Son, Spirit and Father. :)

Day 40 - IN CHRIST, purged

2010-10-03T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 40 - IN CHRIST, I have been purged from my old sins and am now a partaker of the divine nature

... adding to my faith; virtue (force, strength of mind and body), knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness, love --- if these be in me, and abound, theymake me that I shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2Peter 1:2-9

Behold, all things become new!!

Day 39 - IN CHRIST, living hope

2010-10-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 39 - IN CHRIST, I have a living hope

He has begotten us again
to a lively hope
by the resurrection of Jesus Christ
from the dead,
to an inheritance incorruptible,
and undefiled,
and that fades not away,
reserved in heaven for you.
1Peter 1:3-4

Such hope never disppoints or deludes or shames us,
for God's love has been poured out in our hearts
through the HOly Spirit
Who has been given to us. Rom. 5;5

And not only the creation,
but we ourselves too,
who have and enjoy the firstfruits of the Holy Spirit
(a foretaste of the blissful things to come)
groan inwardly as we wait for the redemption of our bodies
(from sensuality and the grave,
which will reveal) our adoption (our manifestation as God's sons).
For in this hope we were saved.
But hope which is seen is not hope.
For how can one hope for what he already sees?
But if we hope for what is still unseen by us,
we wait for it with patience and composure.
Rom. 8:23-25

For whatever was thus written in former days was written for our instruction,
that by our steadfast and patient endurance
and the encouragement from the scriptures
we might hold fast to and cherish hope. Rom 15:4

And further Isaiah says,
"There shall be a Sprout from the Root of Jesse,
He Who rises to rule over the Gentiles;
in Him shall the Gentiles hope. Rom.15:12

May the God of your hope
so fill you with all joy and peace
in believing through the experience of your faith
that by the power of the Holy Spirit
you may abound and be overflowing with hope.
Rom.15:13

If we who are abiding in Christ
have hope only in this life
and that is all,
then we are of all people
most miserable and to be pitied. 1Cor.15:19

For it is He Who rescued and saved us from such a perilous death,
and He will still rescue and save us;
in and on HIm we have set our hope
(our joyful and confident expectation)
that He will again deliver us (from danger and destruction and draw us to Himself). 2 Cor. 1:10

So then brothers,
stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you,
whether by word of mouth or by letter.
May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father,
Who loved us
and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement
and good hope,
encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thess. 2:15-17

Day 38 - IN CHRIST, God works in me

2010-10-01T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 38 - IN CHRIST, God is making me perfect
in every good work to do His will,
working in me
that which is well pleasing in His sight.
(Heb.13:20-21)

It is God who works in you
both to WILL
and to DO
His good pleasure.
Phil. 2:13

Day 37 - IN CHRIST, perfection

2010-09-30T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 37 - IN CHRIST, I am perfect

Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. Heb. 10:14

For by a single offering He has forever completely cleansed and perfected those who are consecrated and made holy. Heb. 10:14 - Amplified Version

Day 36 - IN CHRIST, sanctified

2010-09-29T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 36 - IN CHRIST, I am santified, set apart

By the will of God "we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Heb. 10:10

Day 35 - IN CHRIST, clean conscience

2010-09-28T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 36 - IN CHRIST, my conscience is purged from dead works to serve the living God

This is an illustration for the present time,
indicating that the gifts and sacrifices being offered
were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper. ...

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ,
who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself unblemished to God,
cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death,
so that we may serve the living God!...

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming
- not the realities themselves.
this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices
repeated endlessly year after year,
make perfect those who draw near to worship.
If it could, would they not have stopped being offered?
For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all,
and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins.

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith,
having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience
and having our bodies washed with pure water.
Heb. 9:9,14; 10:1,2,22

"Then Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet, but my hands and head as well!"
Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wah his feet; his whole body is clean..." John 13:9-10 [Speaking of us being clean IN CHRIST, but a daily washing off of the world's filth that we live in is needed]

Day 34 - IN CHRIST, boldness

2010-09-27T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 34 - IN CHRIST, I have boldness to come to the throne of grace

...that I may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb. 4:16

Day 33 - IN CHRIST, circumcised

2010-09-26T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 33 - IN CHRIST, ...

I am circumcised in putting off the body of the flesh by His circumcision,
I am crucified, dead to sin,
buried with him in the baptism of death,
and I am risen with Him in newness of Life
Col. 2:11-13; Rom.6

Baptism (as a state of death) does also now save you... by the resurrection of Jesus Christ
1Peter 3:21

But he is a Jew who is one inwardly,
and TRUE CIRCUMCISION is of the HEART,
a spiritual and not a literal matter.
Rom.2:29

*mom, I added Rom 2:29 ... it seems that this included three things - circumcision, crucifiction, and baptism. Do you have any comments to add?

Day 32 - IN CHRIST, I am complete

2010-09-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 32 - IN CHRIST, I am complete

...You are complete in Him, which is the head of all principality and power...
Col. 2:10

But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:19

But the anointing which you have received of HIm abides in you, and you need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teaches you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it has taught you, you shall abide in Him. 1John 2:27

And God is able to make all grace (every favor and earthly blessing) come to you in abundance, so that you may always and under all circumstances and whatever the need be self-sufficient (possessing enough to require no aid or support and furnished inabundance for every good work and charitable donation. 2 Cor. 9:8

Day 31 - IN CHRIST, I have redemption

2010-09-24T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 31 - IN CHRIST, I have ...

redemption through His blood,

even the forgiveness of sins,

He has made me fit to be a partaker of the in heritance of the saints in light,

delivered me from the power of darkness

and translated me into the kingdom of His dear Son.
Col. 1:12-14

Day 30 - IN CHRIST, I have access

2010-09-23T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 30 - IN CHRIST, I have access to the Father

But now in Christ Jesus you who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. For He is our peace. Eph.2:13
In Christ, I have access by one Spirit unto the Father ... I am a fellow citizen with the saints, and of the household of God. Eph. 2:13-22

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace... Heb. 4:16

Day 29 - IN CHRIST, I am HIS workmanship

2010-09-22T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 29 - IN CHRIST, I am God's workmanship

For we are HIS WORKMANSHIP,

created in Christ Jesus

unto good works,

which God has before ordained

that we should walk in them.

Eph. 2:10

Day 28 - IN CHRIST, I have been quickened

2010-09-21T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 28 - IN CHRIST, I have been quickened, raised up to sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.

All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in trangressions - it is by grace you have been saved.

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms
in Christ Jesus,
IN ORDER THAT in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -
and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -
not by works, so that no one can boast.

For we are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Eph. 2:1-10

Day 27 - IN CHRIST, spiritual blessings

2010-09-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 27 - IN CHRIST, I am blessed with all spiritual blessings in Heavenly Places

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.
In love he predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will-

to the praise of His glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One He loves.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

And He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure,

which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment
-to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
Eph. 1: 3-10

Question - Can you list the 'spiritual blessings'?

Day 26 - IN CHRIST, crucified

2010-09-19T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 26 - IN CHRIST, the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world

But God forbid that I should glory,
save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ,
by whom the WORLD IS CRUCIFIED UNTO ME,
AND I UNTO THE WORLD.
Gal.6:14

I'm not entirely clear on what mom means by this so I will add this...

"Galatians 6:14 (The Message)
14-16For my part, I am going to boast about nothing but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ. Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. Can't you see the central issue in all this? It is not what you and I do—submit to circumcision, reject circumcision. It is what God is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life! All who walk by this standard are the true Israel of God—his chosen people. Peace and mercy on them!"

I began to see "Christ in me" in high school and struggled (and still do) with the 'not walking in the flesh, but walking in the spirit'. Something my cousin Tim showed me, and I often quote as one of my favorite verses, is
Galatians 2:20
(uppercase 'I' representing my selfish flesh,
lowercase "i" representing my new life hid in Christ)

I am crucified with Christ,

nevertheless i live,

yet not I,

but Christ lives in me,

and the life which i now live

i live by the faith of the Son of God,

Who loved me and gave Himself for me.

When I become a Christian my old self is crucified with Christ. My pride, my selfish ambition, my possesions, everything. When conflict or strife arise, and ask God, I always see that old self trying to rise up. When I walk in Christ I have peace and joy. I no longer need to defend myself because I can trust God to be my defender.

If I find a dirty child on the street, homeless and unloved, and I take him into my home, I will not immediately put fresh clothes on him. First he must trust me, and be willing to strip his old ones off and be washed, then he will be given fresh new garments.

Gal.6:7-16 (in full context)
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.
A man reaps what he sows.
The one who sows to please his sinful nature,
from that nature will reap destruction;
the one who sows to please the Spirit,
from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest
if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity,
let us do good to all people,
especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand!
Those who want to make a good impression outwardly are trying to compel you to be circumcised.
The only reason they do this is to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ.
Not even those who are circumcised obey the law,
yet they want you to be circumcised that they may boast about your flesh.
May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ,
through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.
Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything;
what counts is a new creation.
Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule,
even to the Israel of God.

Day 25 - IN CHRIST, I am rich

2010-09-18T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 25 - IN CHRIST, I am rich

"For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,
that though he was rich,
yet for your sakes he became poor,
that ye through his poverty
might BE MADE RICH."
2 Cor.8:9

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.2Cor.9:10-12

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.1 Tim.6:17

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints Eph.1:18

Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,Eph.3:8

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,Col.2:2

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.Col.1:27

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Rom. 11:33

Day 24 - IN CHRIST, I am a new creature

2010-09-17T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 24 - IN CHRIST, I am a new creature

"Therefore if any man be in Christ,
HE IS A NEW CREATURE:
old things are passed away;
behold, all things are become new."
2 Cor.5:17

Day 23 - IN CHRIST, I have life

2010-09-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 23 - IN CHRIST, I have life

"For IN HIM WE LIVE,
and move,
and have our being."
Acts 17:28

Day 22 - IN CHRIST, victory

2010-09-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 22 - IN CHRIST, I have victory over death and the grave

"When this corruptible shall have put on incorruption,
and this mortal shall have put on immortality,
then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written,
Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is thy sting?
O grave, where is thy victory?
The sting of death is sin;
and the strength of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God,
which GIVETH US THE VICTORY
through our Lord Jesus Christ."
I Cor.15:54-57

Day 21 - IN CHRIST, member

2010-09-14T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 21 - IN CHRIST, I am a member of the body of Christ, the Church

So we, being many are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. Rom. 12:5

Day 20 - IN CHRIST, child and heir

2010-09-13T06:00:00.001-06:00

IN CHRIST, I have been made a child of God, an heir of God, and a joint-heir with Jesus Christ

The Spirit Himself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the CHILDREN of God: and if children, then HEIRS; HEIRS OF GOD, AND JOINT-HEIRS WITH CHRIST.

Ye are all the CHILDREN OF GOD by faith in Christ Jesus. Gal.3:26

I will be a FATHER unto you, and ye shall be my SONS and DAUGHTERS, saith the Lord Almighty. 2 Cor.6: 18

I enjoyed being called a daughter today and decided to read 2 Cor.6:18 in context, here is some more for you to chew on as a son or daughter of the most high King:
(6:14 - 7:1)
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?
Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?
What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?
For we are the temple of the living God.
As God has said:
"I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.Therefore come out from them and be separate,"
says the Lord.
"Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you.
I will be a Father to you,
and you will be my sons and daughters,"
says the Lord Almighty.
Since we have these promises,
dear friends,
let us purify ourselves from everything
that contaminates body and spirit,
perfecting holiness out of reverence for God!

Day 19 - IN CHRIST, eternal life

2010-09-12T06:00:00.002-06:00

Day 19 - IN CHRIST, I have the gift of eternal life

For the wages of sin is death, but the GIFT OF GOD IS ETERNAL LIFE through Jesus Christ our Lord. Rom.6:23

This is the promise that he has promised us, even eternal life. I John 2:25

Some people conjure up ideas of wings and clouds and harps forever and say 'no thanks!'.

But the scripture says:

Eye has not seen,
nor ear heard,
nor has it entered the heart of
men
what God has prepared for those that love Him!

It only took Jesus 6 days to create everything - from the universe to the tiniest speck that we haven't even discovered yet.
Now Jesus has been on the Father's right hand interceding on our behalf AND PREPARING A PLACE FOR US for about 2010 years!

And although it can blow our minds what it will be like,
may our first and only ecstasy be that we will be with Jesus!

I recall being at an Amway convention when I was dating Roger, he had been invited but had no interest in being there (Lake Louise!).
I was standing in a gorgeous lobby looking out of the massive windows held by beautiful wood work at the stunning mountains and Lake.
Dad came up to me and put his arm around me, pulling me in close.
He starting talking about he majesty of God's creation, in only the way my daddy can.
Then said 'but'... but even if this convention was in the ugliest most awful place in the earth he would still cross oceans and deserts to be there - just because mom was there and being with her was worth anything.

I'll never forget that moment with my dad. The love that exuded from him, the sincerity. He taught me in that moment the love for a spouse - and a demonstration of God's love for us.

May my love for Jesus grow and deepen so that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my longing
is not 'fire insurance',
nor a selfish notion of eternal life,
but my longing would be to be with Jesus,
as an old song goes:
"Heaven is being with You Jesus."

Day 18 - IN CHRIST, reconciliation

2010-09-11T06:00:00.003-06:00

Day 18 - IN CHRIST, I have been reconciled to God

For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. Rom.5:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2Cor.5:17-21

I put "..." on my last comment because Friday was a tough day in our home. Everyone has bad days and Friday was my husband's turn.

It was hard to live in the moment when HIS 'wrath' was pouring forth - and it was not INTENDED to be directed at us, his loved ones. It made me ponder Friday night at the sweet truth that I am saved from the justifiable wrath of God - only IN JESUS.

Then when I read Saturday morning these verses on reconciliation, the Holy Spirit continued His help in my heart to truly love my husband, even when the pressures of this life are weighing him down :) The part of the passage that says He "has given us the ministry of reconciliation" really stood out.

So I add to my other comment from Day 14:
Because I've experienced reconcilation from God I am free to minister reconciliation to other's - demonostrating love and grace when it truly counts.

Be aware, and enjoy the peace and love that reconcilation brings today!

Day 17 - IN CHRIST, saved from wrath

2010-09-10T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 17 - IN CHRIST, I am saved from wrath

Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. Rom.5:9

The wrath of God can be a very tough subject.I have no time to articulate right now on this subject ....

Day 16 - IN CHRIST, grace

2010-09-09T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 16 - IN CHRIST, I have a standing in grace

through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Rom.5:2

Day 15 - IN CHRIST, peace

2010-09-08T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 15 - IN CHRIST, I have peace with God

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, Rom.5:1

and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:7

Day 14 - IN CHRIST, liberty

2010-09-07T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 14 - IN CHRIST, I have liberty

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Gal.5:1

For you, brethren, have been called to liberty;
only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh,
but through love serve one another. Gal.5:13

Now the Lord is the Spirit;
and where the Spirit of the Lord is,
there is liberty. 2Cor.3:17

But beware lest somehow this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to those who are weak. 1Cor.8:9

But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it,
and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work,
this one will be blessed in what he does. James 1:25

For this is the will of God,
that by doing good
you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men—
as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice,
but as bondservants of God.
Honor all people.
Love the brotherhood.
Fear God.
Honor the king. 1Peter2:15-17

Day 13 - IN CHRIST, I have no more...

2010-09-06T06:00:00.002-06:00

Day 13 - IN CHRIST, I have no more condemnation for sin

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,... Rom.8:1

I am thoroughly enjoying reading through this whole chapter and would encourage you to do the same!

-those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. (Rom.8:5b)
-the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; (Rom 8:6b)
-those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God (Rom.8:14)
-you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." (Rom.8:15)
-the Spirit helps us in our weakness (Rom.8:26)
-the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.(Rom.8:27)

-I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.(Gal.5:16)
-But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.(Gal.5:18)

(Also see Rom.6 and Heb.9 for more on freedom from sin! :) )

I would have loved to have posted a video from Facebook - but figure out how...

Day 12 - IN CHRIST, I am free ...

2010-09-05T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 12 - IN CHRIST, I am free from the law of sin and death

...because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Rom.8:2

The whole understanding between old testament/covenant/law vrs. new testament/covenant/law; what IS done away with and what we continue to hold to; is a very difficult battle for me.

What I do know is that I am hid in Christ ...

The best illustration I have heard/seen concerning this verse is taking an object and dropping it...

then drop it again but put your hand under it ...

If I'm not abiding/hid in Christ the law of sin and death is like gravity on that object;

but if I'm abiding in Christ then sin and death simply act to keep me in His hand and dependent on Him ...

then I am free to do something other than fall.

Day 11 - IN CHRIST, I have victory

2010-09-04T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 11 - IN CHRIST, I have victory
But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.2 Cor.2:14

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.1 John 4:4

Day 10 - IN CHRIST, I am righteous

2010-09-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 10 - IN CHRIST, I am righteous
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.2 Cor. 5:21

But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, ...Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: Rom.3:21-22(KJV)

This is a tough one to accept for a personality like mine.

To take what is not mine.

When I am weak He is strong - leaning on that breastplate of righteousness.

Jesus completely covers me - I can't help but think of that Red Hen story I grew up hearing.

There was a barn fire and she could have gotten out, but when the fire was out and the farmer sadly sifted through the ashes he came across her charred body - under which were all her chicks, safe and sound.

It's Awe-full and Wonder-full, I cannot even contain in my heart -

that the Creator of all things,

whose standard is higher than I can even imagine,

would envelop me in His arms,

cover me,

be my support,

... be my righteousness!

Day 9 - IN CHRIST, I have a sound mind

2010-09-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 9 - In Christ I have a sound mind
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2Tim.1:7

Day 8 - Faith dwells in me

2010-09-01T06:00:00.002-06:00

Day 8 - Faith dwells in me
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you:
Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought,
but rather think of yourself with sober judgment,
in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:3

To those who through the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ have received a faith as precious as ours: 2Peter1:1

Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith OF Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith OF Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified. Gal.2:16(KJV)

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith OF the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. Gal.2:20(KJV)

And how can I pass by without including "the faith chapter" and my "creed" passage! :)
Hebrews 11
1NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].
2For by [faith-trust and holy fervor born of faith] the men of old had divine testimony borne to them and obtained a good report.
3 By faith we understand that the worlds [during the successive ages] were framed (fashioned, put in order, and equipped for their intended purpose) by the word of God, so that what we see was not made out of things which are visible.
4[Prompted, actuated] by faith Abel brought God a better and more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, because of which it was testified of him that he was righteous [that he was upright and in right standing with God], and God bore witness by accepting and acknowledging his gifts. And though he died, yet [through the incident] he is still speaking.
5 Because of faith Enoch was caught up and transferred to heaven, so that he did not have a glimpse of death; and he was not found, because God had translated him. For even before he was taken to heaven, he received testimony [still on record] that he had pleased and been satisfactory to God.
6But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].
7 [Prompted] by faith Noah, being forewarned by God concerning events of which as yet there was no visible sign, took heed and diligently and reverently constructed and prepared an ark for the deliverance of his own family. By this [his faith which relied on God] he passed judgment and sentence on the world's unbelief and became an heir and possessor of righteousness (that relation of being right into which God puts the person who has faith).
8 [Urged on] by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go.
9 [Prompted] by faith he dwelt as a temporary resident in the land which was designated in the promise [of God, though he was like a stranger] in a strange country, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, fellow heirs with him of the same promise.
10 For he was [waiting expectantly and confidently] looking forward to the city which has fixed and firm foundations, whose Architect and Builder is God.
11 Because of faith also Sarah herself received physical power to conceive a child, even when she was long past the age for it, because she considered [God] Who had given her the promise to be reliable and trustworthy and true to His word.
12So from one man, though he was physically as good as dead, there have sprung descendants whose number is as the stars of heaven and as countless as the innumerable sands on the seashore.
13These people all died controlled and sustained by their faith, but not having received the tangible fulfillment of [God's] promises, only having seen it and greeted it from a great distance by faith, and all the while acknowledging and confessing that they were strangers and temporary residents and exiles upon the earth.
14Now those people who talk as they did show plainly that they are in search of a fatherland (their own country).
15If they had been thinking with [homesick] remembrance of that country from which they were emigrants, they would have found constant opportunity to return to it.
16But the truth is that they were yearning for and aspiring to a better and more desirable country, that is, a heavenly [one]. For that reason God is not ashamed to be called their God [even to be surnamed their God--the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob], for He has prepared a city for them.
17 By faith Abraham, when he was put to the test [while the testing of his faith was still in progress], had already brought Isaac for an offering; he who had gladly received and welcomed [God's] promises was ready to sacrifice his only son,
18 Of whom it was said, Through Isaac shall your descendants be reckoned.
19 For he reasoned that God was able to raise [him] up even from among the dead. Indeed in the sense that Isaac was figuratively dead [potentially sacrificed], he did [actually] receive him back from the dead.
20[With eyes of] faith Isaac, looking far into the future, invoked blessings upon Jacob and Esau.
21 [Prompted] by faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons and bowed in prayer over the top of his staff.
22 [Actuated] by faith Joseph, when nearing the end of his life, referred to [the promise of God for] the departure of the Israelites out of Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his own bones.
23 [Prompted] by faith Moses, after his birth, was kept concealed for three months by his parents, because they saw how comely the child was; and they were not overawed and terrified by the king's decree.
24 [Aroused] by faith Moses, when he had grown to maturity and become great, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter,
25Because he preferred to share the oppression [suffer the hardships] and bear the shame of the people of God rather than to have the fleeting enjoyment of a sinful life.
26He considered the contempt and abuse and shame [borne for] the Christ (the Messiah Who was to come) to be greater wealth than all the treasures of Egypt, for he looked forward and away to the reward (recompense).
27 [Motivated] by faith he left Egypt behind him, being unawed and undismayed by the wrath of the king; for he never flinched but held staunchly to his purpose and endured steadfastly as one who gazed on Him Who is invisible.
28 By faith (simple trust and confidence in God) he instituted and carried out the Passover and the sprinkling of the blood [on the doorposts], so that the destroyer of the firstborn (the angel) might not touch those [of the children of Israel].
29 [Urged on] by faith the people crossed the Red Sea as [though] on dry land, but when the Egyptians tried to do the same thing they were swallowed up [by the sea].
30 Because of faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encompassed for seven days [by the Israelites].
31 [Prompted] by faith Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed along with those who refused to believe and obey, because she had received the spies in peace [without enmity].
32And what shall I say further? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets,
33Who by [the help of] faith subdued kingdoms, administered justice, obtained promised blessings, closed the mouths of lions,
34Extinguished the power of raging fire, escaped the devourings of the sword, out of frailty and weakness won strength and became stalwart, even mighty and resistless in battle, routing alien hosts.
35[Some] women received again their dead by a resurrection. Others were tortured to death with clubs, refusing to accept release [offered on the terms of denying their faith], so that they might be resurrected to a better life. [I Kings 17:17-24; II Kings 4:25-37.]
36Others had to suffer the trial of mocking and scourging and even chains and imprisonment.
37They were stoned to death; they were lured with tempting offers [to renounce their faith]; they were sawn asunder; they were slaughtered by the sword; [while they were alive] they had to go about wrapped in the skins of sheep and goats, utterly destitute, oppressed, cruelly treated--
38[Men] of whom the world was not worthy--roaming over the desolate places and the mountains, and [living] in caves and caverns and holes of the earth.
39And all of these, though they won divine approval by [means of] their faith, did not receive the fulfillment of what was promised,
40Because God had us in mind and had something better and greater in view for us, so that they [these heroes and heroines of faith] should not come to perfection apart from us [before we could join them].

Romans 4:18- 22
[For Abraham, human reason for] hope being gone, hoped in faith that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been promised, So [numberless] shall your descendants be.
He did not weaken in faith when he considered the [utter] impotence of his own body, which was as good as dead because he was about a hundred years old, or [when he considered] the barrenness of Sarah's [deadened] womb.
No unbelief or distrust made him waver (doubtingly question) concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong and was empowered by faith as he gave praise and glory to God,
Fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and to do what He had promised.
That is why his faith was credited to him as righteousness (right standing with God).

Be encouraged in the faith that Jesus has given you! :)

Day 7 - God's love dwells in me

2010-08-31T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 7 - God's love dwells in me

Mom's verse is again 2Timothy 1:7 (see yesterday's)
Here's some more for our meditation! :)

-He that loves not knows not God;
for God is love. 1John 4:8

-And hope makes not ashamed;
because the love of God is shed abroad
in our hearts by the Holy Ghost
which is given unto us. Romans 5:5

-No man has seen God at any time.
If we love one another,
God dwells in us,
and his love is perfected in us. 1John 4:12

-And we have known and believed the love that God has to us.
God is love;
and he that dwells in love
dwells in God,
and God in him. 1John 4:16

-If a man say,
I love God, and hates his brother,
he is a liar:
for he that loves not his brother whom he has seen,
how can he love God whom he has not seen? 1John 4:20

Day 6 - God's power dwells in me

2010-08-30T06:00:00.001-06:00

Day 6 - God's power dwells in me

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity
(of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear),
but [HE HAS GIVEN US A SPIRIT OF] POWER
and of love
and of calm and well-balanced mind
and discipline
and self-control.
2Timothy 1:7 (Amplified)
Or from the King James that I am use to hearing:
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;
but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Mom also included 1Cor. 1:23:
But we preach Christ crucified, ...unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, CHRIST THE POWER, and the wisdom of God.

Here it is in context from the Message version (vrs22-25):
"While Jews clamor for miraculous demonstrations
and Greeks go in for philosophical wisdom,
we go right on proclaiming Christ, the Crucified.
Jews treat this like an anti-miracle—
and Greeks pass it off as absurd.
But to us who are personally called by God himself
—both Jews and Greeks
—Christ is God's ultimate miracle and wisdom all wrapped up in one. Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God.
Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness."

Day 5 - God dwells in me

2010-08-29T06:00:00.000-06:00

Day 5 - God dwells in me

What agreement [can there be between] a temple of God and idols?
For we are the temple of the living God;
even as God said,
"I will dwell in & with & among them
and will walk in & with & among them,
and I will be their God,
and they shall be My people."
2Cor.6:16 (Amplified)

Days 1-4 verses

2010-08-28T00:51:00.006-06:00

Day 1: CHRIST IS IN ME
The mystery which hath been hid from ages and from generations,

but now is made manifest to the saints:

to whom God would make known what is the riches

of the glory of this mystery

among the Gentiles,

which is CHRIST IN YOU, the hope of glory. Col.1:26,27

I am crucified with Christ:

nevertheless I live;

yet not I,

but CHRIST LIVETH IN ME;

and the life which I now live in the flesh

I live by the faith of the Son of God,

who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal.2:20
(this has been a favorite verse of mine since high school)

Day 2: THE MIND OF CHRIST IS IN ME
The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God,

for they are foolishness unto him;

neither can he know them,

because they are spiritually discerned…
BUT WE HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST. I Cor. 2:14-16

I also think of Phil.2:5 that says

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus."

The mind is a major battle field for me, this is something I hold tight to.

Makes me think of the armor:

The helmet of salvation

-protecting the mind of Christ in me

The breastplate of righteousness

-it is His righteousness that holds me upright

The belt of Truth

-may all that is conceived in and birthed from me be Truth

The shoes of the gospel of peace

-May everywhere I go know His peace and good news

The sword of the Spirit/Word

-May I remember I battle NOT flesh and blood

-but principalities and powers...

The shield of faith

-it is the faith of Christ in me that thwarts the darts of the enemy.

Day 3: THE WISDOM OF CHRIST IS IN ME
But it is from Him that you have your life IN Christ Jesus,

Whom God MADE OUR WISDOM FROM GOD

(revealed to us a knowledge of the divine plan of salvation previously hidden, manifesting it as)

our righteousness (thus making us upright and putting us in right standing with God),

and our Consecration (making us pure and holy),

and our Redemption (providing our ransom from eternal penalty for sin).

1 Cor.1:30

I also read:

-"That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him." Eph.1:17

-For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.Luke 21:15

-His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. Eph.3:10-12

-For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.Col.1:9

- My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments.Col.2:2-4

-Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.Col.3:16

-If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.James 1:5

-But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. James 3:17

Day 4: THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST IS IN ME
Do you not discern and understand that you are God's temple,

and that God's Spirit has His dwelling in you?

I Cor.3:16

Introduction to mom's 44 day challenge

2010-08-27T21:00:00.002-06:00

My mom did a study on Philemon 6 awhile ago and is going to read each of the 44 verses involved, meditate on them, and possibly memorize them;
she has invited me to do it with her ...
and I invite you...

-Here you will find her introduction.
-In tomorrow's blog you will find the first 4 verses (because I didn't think to do this till today and it would be nice for the blog to be current).
-Then I will have each day's verse posted, and I will add any additional thoughts, etc.

So today's and tomorrow's are long,
but the additional 40 will be shorter...
and please, if you are reading these,
feel free to add any comments!

PHILEMON 6

"I MAKE MENTION OF YOU IN MY PRAYERS….
THAT THE COMMUNICATION OF THY FAITH
MAY BECOME EFFECTUAL
BY THE ACKNOWLEDGING OF EVERY GOOD THING
WHICH IS IN YOU IN CHRIST JESUS."

COMMUNICATION: The Greek word is "koinonia" and means the act of using as common; the fellowship, the sharing of the things we hold in common.
World Book says that "Communication suggests merely that it becomes the common property of giver and receiver."
When we look at all the Scriptural references where "koinonia" and it’s derivatives are used, we find the following which we hold in common:
(the words in quotation marks are the English words used for translating "koinonia".)

‘partakers’ of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death. Phil.3:10; 1Pet.4:13
‘partakers’ of the divine nature. 2 Peter 1:4
‘partakers’ of the glory that shall be revealed. I Peter 5:1
‘fellowship’ with the Father and His Son. I John 1:3
‘fellowship’ of ministering materially to the saints. Hebrews 13:16; Romans 15:26; 2 Cor.9:13; Phil.4:14; 2 Cor.8:4; Gal.6:6; I Tim.6:18; Rom.15:27
‘fellowship’ with one another. I John 1:7
‘fellowship’ in the gospel. Phil.1:5
‘fellowship’ in the mystery which has been hid from ages and generations but is now made known to the saints, which is CHRIST IN US, the expectation of glory! Eph.3:9; Col.1:26,27
‘companions’ of those who receive reproaches and afflictions. Heb. 10:33
‘communion’ of the blood of Christ. I Cor.10:16
‘communion’ of the body of Christ. I Cor.10:16
‘communion’ of the Holy Spirit. 2 Cor.13:14
liberal ‘distribution’ to others produces many thanksgivings to God. 2 Cor.9:13

EFFECTUAL: The Greek word is "energes", or in-working.
World Book says under ‘Energy’:
derived from the Greek "energeia",
derived from "energos" meaning Active,
derived from "en" meaning IN and "ergon"
meaning WORK=ACTIVE IN WORK
– active strength or force, healthy power, vigor, ability to produce desired action or results. Active in experience, where the rubber hits the road.

ACKNOWLEDGING: The Greek word is ‘epignosis’ which means FULL KNOWLEDGE AND REALIZATION.

PHILEMON 6 PARAPHRASED FROM ABOVE INFORMATION:

"THAT THE COMMUNICATION OF THY FAITH,
that is, the sharing of that which we hold in common; scripturally, sharing in His sufferings,
in the divine nature,
in the glory that shall be revealed,
in the fellowship with the Father and His Son,
in giving materially to the saints, to those who teach, and to all men;
being companions of those who receive reproaches and afflictions;
the communion of the blood of Christ,
the body of Christ, and of the Holy Spirit;
the fellowship with one another in the gospel
and in the mystery which has been hid from ages and from generations
but is now made known to the saints,
which is Christ in you, the expectation of glory…
MAY BECOME EFFECTUAL, active, operative, energized, producing the desired results,
BY THE ACKNOWLEDGING, that is by the full knowledge and realization of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus."

If the property of the Giver (Jesus Christ)
becomes that of the receiver (me)
and it becomes our property in common (communication)
and if the sharing of what we hold in common
becomes productive and operative
by the full knowledge and realization
of every good thing which is in me
in Christ Jesus,
then it is imperative that I know what those good things are,
and they should be the confession of my mouth!

They are mine in Jesus Christ the minute I receive Him, but until I have a full knowledge of what they are, they will not do me any good in my daily life. It is like a person who is struggling under a heavy load of debt and living like a pauper. He is suddenly given a cheque for $1,000,000, but he keeps it in a coffee can at home. He continues his daily struggle in his own strength to provide meager existence when he could be living in abundant supply and producing life in others around him, which in turn would produce many thanksgivings to God.

2 Peter 1:2 says,
"GRACE and PEACE be MULTIPLIED unto you
THROUGH THE KNOWLEDGE (epignosis=full knowledge) of God,
and of Jesus our Lord,
according as his divine power HAS GIVEN UNTO US ALL THINGS
THAT PERTAIN UNTO LIFE(zoe=life, motion, activity)
AND GODLINESS (reverence for God),
THROUGH THE KNOWLEDGE OF HIM
that hath called us to glory and virtue (force, strength of mind or body):
whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious PROMISES:
that BY THESE ye might be PARTAKERS OF THE DIVINE NATURE, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust…"

I Cor.2:12 says,
"I have received, not the spirit of the world,
but the Spirit which is of God:
THAT I MIGHT KNOW THE THINGS
THAT ARE FREELY GIVEN TO ME
BY GOD."

MAY WE ALL DESIRE TO BE PARTAKERS OF THE DIVINE NATURE……

Expectations

2010-08-11T01:00:00.001-06:00

It had been awhile since I was on here, so I perused a bit...
I noticed my blog on being aware of my expectations.
I found this funny because my husband recently brought home some Joyce Meyer cds, and the one on contentment spoke to expectations, which spoke to me.

Where do our expectations lie?
Dare I give a churchy example?
Let's say you are going through something tough,
you EXPECT your pastor or elders to walk through it with you,
they are busy and for one reason or other aren't there for you like you'd like - you feel let down, a bit hurt, even bitter and resentful.
OR
you EXPECT God to hear your cry for someone to help you through,
God provides your neighbor lady, or a coworker, or maybe the pastor!
You thank them - of course! But you are praising God for His provisions. And you have no cause to be hurt by anyone.

Say you are married, you know the person loves you - they did marry you after all. But you expect certain things ... now be careful!

Let me share a story my sister shared with me (because her's is so blatantly God, whereas my experiences aren't quite so black and white!)
She was tired, started a battle against cancer, and was feeling rather unloved. She starting crying out to God regarding her husband and God asked her what she wanted from him. She didn't know, so she blurted out for him to call her Sunshine or something. Anyway, after time in prayer she resurrendered her need to feel loved to God. Her husband was sitting watching TV as she carried a load of laundry from the upstairs to the basement. In passing through the living room her husband, without much of even a glance, said "hey there Sunshine". Becca went to the laundry room and bawled! She told me he has never called her that before, nor since. And that ache she had to be loved - was gone - and was fed through more 'small jestures' that GOD did THROUGH her husband in the days that followed.

Don't you see - God can even be our lover ... ok, one of my stories...

"Special" days have always been "just another day" for my husband. Valentine's was our first date though and so I would usually try to do something a little extra for him. Then his mom passed away on Valentine's Day and it became just a day to get through.
On Valentine's of 09 my husband got up to go and get something to move the snow in our driveway. I was actually a bit relieved. I was feeling just awful ... ugly, unloved, unworthy of love... blah, blah, blah. So I was sitting on the couch crying, literally and out to God, wondering if He could still love me, when the door bell rang. I hadn't brushed my teeth or anything, I ran my hand over the mess of hair on my head and wondered who in the world would be at the door. I opened the door and my husband - who RARELY buys flowers, really, one hand counting in 16 years - AND who always bad mouthed Tim Horton's and coffee - was standing there with a Timmy's and beautiful bouquet of roses! Needless to say he was taken back a bit by his wife's outburst of tears and death hug! I felt like God Himself was standing there. He has OFTEN used my husband to demonstrate and bring understanding of His love for me.

None of this takes away my love for my husband - in fact I have found it quite the opposite, I sense a deeper connection to my husband for it!

Is it wrong to expect anything from anybody? No, but you need to be careful. I have gone years praying about things in my dear husband - some things God has changed in his heart very quickly, others, well, He's taking His sweet time! :) In those times I have found it good to search my heart, and it has stretched me in my reliance on Jesus.

I personally struggle the most with the expectations I hold of myself. That's where Joyce touched a nerve in me... or I should say God did through her!
As I clearly demonstrated in my blog of my expectations, you now know a bit of them too. God has blessed me so much and protected me, I can't help but think and feel that I should be more than I am. It's hard to see things that should/could be done and not beable to do them.

But my expectation will stand in God and my faith that He is faithful to complete every good work He starts - including me! ;D

Chris Tomlin ' I Will Rise'

2010-08-10T22:08:00.002-06:00

Considering how acutely aware I am to how fleeting my life is - I should not have to tell you how much this song meant to me as I heard it for the first time over the satelite radio on my holidays!(see previous blog for more info.)

(should I die before I wake, please make this one of the songs!)

There's a peace I've come to know,
though my heart and flesh may fail.
There's an anchor for my soul,
I can say 'it is well'.

Jesus has overcome,
and the grave is overwhelmed,
the victory is won,
He is risen from the dead!
And I will rise
when He calls my name
no more sorrow, no more pain
(I sing 'no more shame')
I will rise on eagle's wings.
Before my God,
fall on knees,
and rise...
I will rise.

There's a day that is drawing near
when the darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes!

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
'WORTHY IS THE LAMB!'
and I hear the cry of every longing heart'
WORTHY IS THE LAMB!'

This fleeting life

2010-08-09T15:47:00.010-06:00

Roughly about 3 weeks ago I decided to get on the right track health wise and at least take my multi's. I had been given some and it became very obvious, very quickly, that my body was having an adverse side effect. My eldest and youngest were gone, my second child was still asleep with her cousin and my husband was away at work. I took the pills and sat at the table for some devotional time. I was expecting the niacin reaction, but it began getting very intense, so I went to lie on the couch. My hearing got muffled, I was struggling to breath and as I reached up to touch my burning face I realized it was very swollen. I got up to go to the bathroom and got dizzy, seeing stars and my vision got blurry. I reached the bathroom and was astonished at just how swollen I was. Fear gripped me as I realized just how difficult it was getting to breath, my hearing and sight were nil at this point and a staggered back to the table - crying out to God and wondering if I should call 911 or what. It very much felt that I could suffocate very shortly. When you experience something like that there is so much that flies through your mind. I breathed deeply and tried to relax and I could feel it subsiding a bit, so I continued to wait it out. About an hour later I was finally able to function decently again.

"Show me, O LORD, my life's end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.
You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath. Selah" (Ps.39:4-5)

On the Friday that I left my mom's to pick up my daughter from camp I was driving alone in my husband's work truck. As I was crossing a main double lane highway I grabbed the wrong gear and stalled the truck. Two vehicles came speeding around the corner and I narrowly got missed. I will confess it shook me up, and again, I became acutely aware at how fleeting my life truly is.

"But I trusted in, relied on, and was confident in You, O Lord;
I said, You are my God.
My times are in Your hands;..." (Ps.31:14-15)
...

After the truck stalled, I continued on my way south to pick up my daughter from camp. I decided to take a detour to the east to see a friend, wondering if that was wise considering the muggy heat and dark clouds. She and I visited for a bit and when I went outside I saw I had had a call from my husband. I called him back and he informed me a tornado touched down 5km West of Sundre ... looking at the map, I would have been going through Sundre had I not detoured. (My poor husband was so worried as he was unable to reach me! I must remember to keep my phone on me!)

It was still hot and muggy and the black clouds were still rolling in from the west when I left, and I will admit I left with a prayer on my lips. As I followed the highway I seemed to stay on the outskirts of the storm and only saw very heavy rain (you know when you start to wonder if the half ton can hydroplane that there is a lot of rain!). I got a bit turned around in Didsbury and had to stop and ask for directions, got back on my way and as I was about half an hour out of Cochrane I came to the top of a hill and saw the snow and hail in the ditches. I thanked God - thinking that my stall in Didsbury had kept me from this dump - and continued to my aunt's in Cochrane. Watching the news that evening with them I saw that stretch of highway where I had seen white in the ditches - except, seemingly shortly after I passed through it really dumped. There was easily 6 inches of slush on the highway itself, people were stuck and mirrors were broken from the large hail.

"God declares that His hand “has laid the foundation of the earth,

and His right hand has spread out the heavens.”

“In His hand are the deep places of the earth.

The heights of the mountains are His also.”

“He holds the waters in the hollow of His hand.”

“A man’s goings are established by Jehovah,

and He delights in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down,

for Jehovah upholds him with His hand.”

(Isa. 48:13; Psa. 95:4; Isa. 40:12; Ps. 37:24) "

(taken from Letters of Hope)

" I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;" (Ps.121:1-3)

Thistles

2010-07-28T09:03:00.004-06:00

(photos courtesy my mom :)
... many were much bigger)

During my short visit at my mom's this week we were able to get her garden weeded - well, the last 6 or so rows that she hadn't gotten to yet. Sometimes we can intellectually come up with clever ideas, but I am learning the difference between that, and when God is speaking to my spirit. On my knees He spoke to me.

Some weeds are easy to pull, and even a pleasure, but thistles, they're tough. I could pull and pull on some, with all I had, only to have it rip at the stem.

We could have just kept tugging at them, and given the garden an appearance of being weeded, but they'd quickly regrow - and it still would have taken a lot of effort.

Mom came and gave Samantha and I a spade and commented that its a two man job. While one dug the other pulled. Samantha would dig down a bit, I'd tug but it wouldn't budge. So she's spade some more and as she did I could feel the long, big root easily slide out.

In my striving, (and trying not to strive!), I've worked very hard, tugged with all my might, only to have a stumpy weed still left that quickly regrows. For some problems in our lives we need to ask for help, and use 'tools' to help us.

So I will share my simple prayer I wrote in my journal:

Heavenly Father I pray that Your Holy Spirit be my spade and You be my helper. I will continue to tug - gently - trusting that when the time is right these roots of gluttony, jealousy, envy and laziness will easily slide out.

I was also reminded of what my sister Becca had said over me a few years back. Some weeds are a simple 1 stem root, while others, like chick weed, have a spider root. Any part of the root left and it regrows. She felt that why I wasn't experiencing 'freedom' yet was because God was (and is) in the midst of ensuring He has each part of the root loosened before He pulls.

Maybe this wasn't a crazy, all new revelation - but I sensed the hope and encouragement in my spirit. And all from thistles! :D

For we are fellow workmen (joint promoters, laborers together) with and for God; you are God's garden and vineyard and field under cultivation, [you are] God's building.(1Cor.3:9)

And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you

will continue until the day of Jesus Christ

[right up to the time of His return],

developing [that good work]

and perfecting

and bringing it to full completion in you.(Phil.1:6)

mish-mash

2010-06-01T06:42:00.003-06:00

Well, it's happened again, a new year approaches, and then when I turn around its already June!

Of course the honest sentence would have ended with ...and I am still fat. I am really sick of talking about it, and of waking up in it ... I have written enough about it and am just continuing to persevere.

The thing is, as I began to type God whispered hope into my heart and mind. I love those moments when hope bubbles up within me, its a cool sensation, and am convinced it must be my Jesus.

He is stretching and strengthening my faith, and as I take baby steps His joy fills my soul.

Education is a major thing on my mind. With the move to a new school building, a decent sized ECS class for me to teach, and a serious look at me taking the 4 years of University to become certified, its hard for my mind not to be there. Of course, my weight is mixed in there too - the shame and lack of energy and focus would be gone if I would just do what I should and not what I shouldn't! Sorry Jesus, complaining is SO irritating!

Finances, longing to help my sister, wanting to be in better contact with loved ones, and the daily reminder that my own household needs to be this mom's and wife's priority are other things in this mish-mash of my thoughts.

Followed through with something on my heart that takes a step of faith;

had an amazing brother in the Lord spontaneously pray for and sing over me and another lady at the school;

enjoyed a breathtaking sunset last night

and began this morning with a fresh, gentle breeze on my face;

sunrays streaming through the house, few clouds and branches;

and blue sky.

I got to see the full sky in all its splendor on my way home from a meeting, when I got home Christine was taking these photos out our kitchen window :)

Wish I had some great motivational challenge that I would succeed at this month, some great blog that people would find inspiring - but this June 1 of 2010 is just a mish-mash ...

A seed of my family's heritage

2010-05-24T09:18:00.006-06:00

I have an incredible family heritage of great men and women of faith!

My Aunty's blog 'Letters of hope' have been an inspiration for many, including myself, and I would encourage you to look through her site - the link is on the bottom of my page.

Her most recent one is a segment of study of how God foreknew, chose, called, justified and glorified His people...

This particular one that I am sharing from is "Called".

...Called! Another wonder-full word that, in the Scriptures, follows Chosen. In his letter to the Church at Rome, Paul explained the progression from God foreknowing us, to His choosing us, to His calling us, followed by our being justified and glorified! ...

...It is God Who does the calling, and He calls all those whom He has chosen to be His sons and heirs, conformed to His image and likeness, and prepared to reign with Him in His Kingdom. When we are convicted by His Holy Spirit, repent of our sin, and are “born again” of the Spirit, it is an indication that we are called to be members of His Body which is the Church...

...When He saved us, He called us with a holy calling, not according to what we did, or what we deserved, but in accordance with His own purpose and the free grace which was given us in Christ Jesus before the ages began...

...I think we have not fully understood all of God’s purpose in choosing and calling us, justifying and glorifying us, but He does give us some insights.

First of all, He has called us into His Kingdom and Glory and Virtue, to make us partakers of His Divine nature...

...“He has called us out of darkness into His marvelous light;” when once we did not have an identity, but now we are “the people of God…for the purpose of proclaiming, or making known, His perfections, virtues and praises”. (1 Peter 2:9,10)...

...We are called to experience the Peace of God, and Paul admonishes us to “let it rule in our hearts, and to be thankful.” (Col. 3:14, 15)...

...We are called unto liberty – the freedom wherewith Christ has made us free. Such liberty is to be used to “by love serve one another.” Even as we are called in one hope of our calling, we are to endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in that bond of Peace. (Gal. 5:1; Eph. 4:3, 4) ...

...Not the least of all of these is our calling “unto the fellowship of Jesus Christ our Lord.” (1 Cor. 1:9)“…Truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son, Jesus Christ.” Can there really be anything more glorious than this? Intimate fellowship with our loving Heavenly Father, and our Savior and Lord Jesus? Even our Elder Brother? (1 John 1:3)...

(A response from Aunty Eulene in the comments...)

There is so much truth in the fact of God’s having chosen, called, justified and glorified us, His children. I have had no problem with the past tense of chosen, called and justified, but I didn’t understand how “glorified” could be in the past tense. Wasn’t that for some future state? It spoke so loudly to me that I checked all my resources to define what “glorified” really means. Words like honor, exalt, ennoble, laud, sanctify, etc. came to the fore. And then a shaft of “light” fell again on the fact that we believers are called “saints” and that He has raised us up together, and made us sit together in Christ Jesus at the right hand of the Father in the heavenly realm. I rather think that “glorified” (past tense) is quite in keeping with Father’s acceptance of us as His beloved children.

The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell;

It goes beyond the highest star, and reaches to the lowest hell!

The guilty pair bowed down with care God gave His Son to win;

His erring child He reconciled, and pardoned from his sin.
Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,

Were ev’ry stalk on earth a quill, and ev’ry man a scribe by trade;

To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry;

Nor could the scroll contain the whole, tho’ stretched from sky to sky.
O Love of God, how rich and pure! How measureless and strong!

It shall forevermore endure, the saints’ and angels’ song.
F. M. Lehman

Thank you Aunty for the rich supply of blessings you are - you are the older woman who lovingly teaches the younger, your wealth of love and wisdom in God's Word is a treasure, and the poetry and hymns are like cherries of top! May God continue to bless you and keep you!

(an old photo of us when I was in Junior High)

Blooming 5

2010-05-23T13:10:00.003-06:00

I had to show you this - the very plant that I had chosen to take photos of last month as I meditated on blooming where I have been planted - well, it hasn't bloomed at all!

It's an ironic and rather bleak picture of my life. I have been blessed, protected and loved, and yet others spring up all around me that bloom beautifully, while I still have nothing to show.

Father God! May I not be like this! May Your fruit and blooms spring forth from my life!

My Paraphrase of Proverbs 31:10-31

2010-05-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

The heart of my husband trusts me confidently,
relies on and believes in me safely,
so he has no lack of honest gain
or need of dishonest spoil.
I will comfort, encourage and do him
only good as long as there is life in me.

I seek out the wool/flax of which righteous character is made
and I work with willing hands to develop it.

I rise early and get, through communion with Abba,
the spiritual food - loaded like a ship,
I set out the day's plans.

I consider new fields of interest and activities
and expand prudently
not courting neglect on my present duties.
With the blessings from above I am able to invest into the future.

I gird myself, not only spiritually,
but mentally and physically,
to ensure I am ready for every God-given task.

I can see with eyes of faith that my work with and for God is good.
My faith and complete dependence on God is ever burning,
The Holy Spirit helping me ward away fear, doubt and distrust.

I spin threads of which character is made and
weave in into lives - pleasing to God.

I have compassion for the poor and needy -
whether in body, mind or spirit.

I will not fear temptation or false teachings,
for my family is in God's hands.

I study and seek God out, that He may clothe me.

My husband is respected and finds favor in
all his arenas of influence.

I look for the needs of others and try to
provide for the need.

I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus -
which keeps me strong, dignified and secure,
and hopeful for the future of my family.

When I speak I trust God to give me the words I need,
I guard my tongue and pray the words I speak
be kind and wise.

I look well to how things go in my household
and I will NOT eat the bread of idleness.
I will not gossip or allow self- pity,
I will be content.

I pray that God meet my children's and husband's needs
and desires
through me.

May I be known as a woman who fears God,
a woman after God's own heart.

Quick NIV Read Prov.31

2010-05-22T08:50:00.003-06:00

Proverbs 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

31:30-31 - Fear the Lord

2010-05-21T07:50:00.003-06:00

Charm and grace are deceptive,
and beauty is vain (because it is not lasting),
but a woman who reverently and worshipfully
fears the Lord,
she will be praised!
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her own works praise her
in the gates of the city!

Key to it all - fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom...

"Fear" in these contexts is not the scared fear - but rather the reverent and worshipful type of fear. Imagine the greatest daddy in the world - fair, loving, caring, makes time, provides ... you aren't scared of him, but if you do something that you know would displease him you have a fear of hurting him. Except this is much more magnified when you are speaking of the Creator of the universe(s)!!

-The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him,
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding ...
(Is.11:2 - prophetic of Jesus)
-He will be the sure foundation for your times,
a rich store of salvation & wisdom & knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.
(Is.33:6)
-The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
(Prov.9:10)
-BY WISDOM A HOUSE IS BUILT,
AND THROUGH UNDERSTANDING IT IS ESTABLISHED;
THROUGH KNOWLEDGE ITS ROOMS ARE FILLED
WITH RARE AND BEAUTIFUL TREASURES.
(Prov.3-4)
-Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments; for this is the whole duty of man. (Ecc.12:13 - King Solomon's conclusion - a man that has been deemed the wisest and richest King in history!)

May I consider the fruit - my children's love and grandchildren?
May I consider my works praising me - my children praising me?

And Abba Father, I know that You have plans for us, plans for hope and a future; I know that You complete every good work that You start; and I know anything that YOU haven't accomplished in me and my children is all for nought. I humbly come before You and invite Your Holy Spirit (Your Wisdom) to infiltrate everything we put our hands to, that we would be storing up treasures in heaven, that it would be in the gates of YOUR city that praise is given, and may it all be poured out at Your feet! As fun as it would be to be charming, and much as I long to be beautiful, make my heart's true desire and fulfillment to be one that reverently and worshipfully fears You. Amen.

31:28-29 - 'Blessed and Bless'ed

2010-05-20T07:00:00.000-06:00

Her children rise up and call her blessed - happy, fortunate and to be envied; and her husband boasts of and praises her, saying, 'Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly and well (with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness) but you excel them all.

OK, so I'm cheating and combining these.(I am also going to quote the footnotes in the Amplified Bible!)

'Many daughters have done ... nobly and well ... but you excel them all.' What a glowing description here recorded of this woman in private life, this 'capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman' of Proverbs 31! It means she had done more than:
Miriam - the one who led a nation's women in praise to God;
Deborah, the patiotic military advisor;
Ruth, the woman of constancy;
Hannah, the ideal mother;
the Shunammite, the hospitable woman;
Huldah, the woman who revealed God's secret message to national leaders; and even
Queen Esther, the woman who risked sacrificing her life for her people.
In what way did she 'excel them all'?
In her spiritual and practical devotion to God, which permeated every area and relationship of her life. (SO describes my sister! :) )
All seven of the Christian virtues of 2Peter 1:5-8 are there, like colored threads in a tapestry (faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love). ...

In growing up I have come to the realization that my family isn't perfect; and that my children growing up loving, adoring and being grateful for me as their mom is not something I can assume will happen. I want to have the `blessing of my children thinking of me as a bless`ed woman.

So at this point I can't help but think of my mom with an ever increasing level of respect and admiration ... and must 'rise up' myself and say,
"Mom, you are a blessed woman who has always loved me unconditionally, shown undying patience, worked so very hard and diligently for, not only our family's benefit, but for others as well, teaching me compassion and love for my fellow man. Your integrity and honor have never waivered. You taught me God's love from His Word, and to love God's Word. God has been very gracious to me by giving YOU to me for a mom! I love you very much!"

Of course my husband also comes to mind. I have shared a lot about him throughout my blogging. God has used Roger's love for me to teach about His love. How it is always there unconditionally and shown in so many 'little daily things'. The praise Roger gives me comes from this unconditional love. I have come to believe that a man's faithfulness comes from within his own integrity and has very little to do with his wife. Unconditional love can be very comforting and is a blessing. Yet I confess that I also long to see the sincere pride in his eye when he looks at me, to be praised because he truly thinks I'm fabulous, and not because I'm his wife.

I don't wish to 'excel' all others, its not a competition, but I would love to hear these things said about me at the end of my days! What is said in the video 'Invisible Woman' (posted Feb.4) is so true - so much of what makes a great woman are things that are hidden and unseen to others - except by God.

Now, what can the 'church' of today take from this as the bride of Christ!?

31:27 - idleness

2010-05-19T06:13:00.006-06:00

She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent and self-pity) she will not eat.

Looking well into how things are going in one's household actually takes more energy then one may think, especially as the children get older and aren't 'under foot' any more. (at least when they are under foot you know what they are up to!) There is the cleaning (bathrooms, floors, laundry, ironing, mending, walls, windows, window coverings, light fixtures, furniture, cupboards, fridge, oven, storage areas ...). There is the teaching and training the kids in all the cleaning areas. There is the cooking ... the shopping ... the finances (more involved with a family business) ... keeping up on the medical welfare of everyone (more involved with special situations such as diabetes) ... Never mind the education, homework and friendships of each child ... and I haven't begun to list the training and teaching of the children's character - while dealing with personal issues! ... I often wish I could be a stay at home mom, and even not home school so that I can have all the 'background' work done when the kids get home and be ready to give them my undivided attention. OH! And we haven't even begun talking about being a wife.

Certainly, to run a household, maintain a healthy marriage and raise the next generation does NOT leave room for the 'bread of idleness'.

Yet I like it that the Amplified explains that bread a step further. "gossip, discontent and self-pity" - any of those three quickly hamper the atmosphere in a home. Sadly, all three are also all too common.

-If words are not to edify or build up (which can also be 'discipline' moms!), then it's best to leave it unsaid. Both my sister and I agree whole heartedly that much more is accomplished, and with much less stress when we take things directly to God, do our part as He directs and leave the rest to Him.

-Contentment has been in converstation's with my husband a lot lately. It should definitely be a sought after character trait! I believe that unless you are content with what you have, you will never find contentment with more. A lot of that can come from seeing the glass half full rather then half empty. Having a good sense of humor and ability to laugh at one self. To appreciate the roof over your head and the quick transportation - even if its rusted, falling apart and a tad too small for the people you transport... :)

-I believe that if you are guarding your words (preferrably starting with your heart and thoughts!), and you are practicing contentment, then the last - self-pity - is hard to experience. I have fallen into that pit on occasion and its not a place you want to be. Its that old attige(?!) - I complained I had no shoes till I met a man with no feet. Discontent and self-pity are closely linked.

One last thought regarding idleness ...
A body in motion stays in motion (excercise brings fitness and energy creating desire for more excercise....)
A body in rest stays in rest ( lazing around can lead to death!)

I just know these are terribly written - I haven't had a lot of time - but whatever - I wanted to go through it one verse a day and I will hopefully find some brilliant articulation to sum it up at the end ... or not!

31:26 - wisely used words

2010-05-18T06:58:00.004-06:00

She opens her mouth with skillful and godly Wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness - giving counsel and instruction.

Words. There is power in the tongue to heal a marriage or bring one to an end. It has been compared to a bit in a horses mouth and a rudder on a ship in scripture, for its power to control things much larger than itself. (James 3) Words release chemicals, electical responses and memory tree ignitions - whether positive or negative. (Dr. Leaf)

And the kinds of words that come out of our mouths can draw two very different pictures of a person (hence hiding my last two posts!). Jesus said that what is in the heart preceeds from out mouth, it's good to be very conscious of our thought life and what is actually proceeding from our hearts!

Here are some scriptures to ponder:
'Negative'
-For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother that oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall , sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she know it not. (Prov.5:3-6)
-...a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (Prov.19:13)
-Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Prov.21:9)
-Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. (Prov.21:19)
-A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. (Prov.27:15)
~~~
'Comparison'
-A wife of nobel character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. (Prov.12:4)
-The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out. (Prov. 10:31)
-The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. (Prov.15:2)
-The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. (Prov.15:4)
~~~
'Positive'
-He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. (Prov.18:22)
-He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. (Prov. 21:23)
-Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for SHE is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. SHE is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in HER right hand; in HER left hand are riches and honor. HER ways are pleasant ways, and all HER paths are peace. SHE is a tree of life to those who embrace HER; those who lay hold of HER will be blessed. (Prov.2:13-18)
-Do not forsake wisdom, and SHE will protect you; love HER, and SHE will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem HER and SHE will exalt you; embrace HER and SHE will honor you. SHE will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. (Prov.4:6)
-Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," and call understanding your kinsman; they will keep you from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words. (Prov.7:4-5)
~~~
-For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matt.12:37)
-This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom, but in words taught by the Spirit... (1Cor.2:13)
-Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve other, faithfully administering God's grace ... if anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God... [be careful little tongue what you say!] (paraphrased from 1Peter 4:10-12)

I can't help but requote Max Lucado -
'...if I clench my fist may it be only in prayer,
if I yell may it only be in praise...'.
We need to guard our thoughts, our hearts and our tongues -
bridling the tongue with kindness and love,
and then also with wisdom, discernment and understanding.

I began this entry a while ago - and am now in the midst of a mess that is centered on words - and I am afraid my words on paper has ignited a raging fire admidst relationships. I am sincerely sorry for the hurt and stress I have caused/added to. Once something is said it can't be erased.

Father God I pray that You would forgive me for the hurt I've caused to those You love. I pray that You would transform our hearts to truly 'esteem one another better than ourselves', to beable to 'be kind and forgive one another even as You have forgiven us.' Teach me how to pray for this division that the enemy is running with. May Your daughters truly seek You for skillful and godly wisdom and may we have the law of kindness on our tongues as You give counsel and instruction through us. Amen.

My ugly ranting - pt2

2010-05-16T21:35:00.007-06:00

*IF you are going to read this at all - please read both parts through, AND my comment. Don't just read part of it as you will think me a whiny spoiled child!!!

On the way to get groceries there was a man and woman pushing a baby stroller that were trying to cross the street where there was no cross walk. The traffic was busy and I simply carried on through. I instantly fought tears and felt a heavy heart because I should have stopped.

These simple daily things overwhelm me at times and I find daily tasks difficult. Then I become angry because I'm quite aware that this is all ridiculous.

While shopping I did make a point of returning loose carts in the parking lot to the 'corral'.
Over the last month I have used all my personal savings on groceries, prescriptions, etc... I used the $20 worth of Sobey's points I had saved to buy a birthday gift for a friend/coworker/children's teacher. Now I have no buffer zone at all.

I went to the drug store to look for allergy medicine for Roger and picked up a $0.99 card and $0.99 stickers for my neice's birthday.

I drive a truck with a cab for three that I take myself and three children to school in every day. The transmission is showing signs of trouble and I have to undo my window to open my door.

I had increasing 'hormonal hair' issues since I started having kids. After having to shave my face daily, contemplating different treatments, hating to spend money we don't have on something so vain, and my husband insisting I go ahead with it - I have now gone for 2 - $150 treatments and am already seeing a great improvement. However, I fight guilt for this extravagance, particularily on days like today when my man's voice is raised, and I see him red faced and vibrating, trying to figure out how to pay our bills.
Crazy thing is, right after, he's talking about a new BBQ (ours is falling off its stand and he has 'jimmied' it for now), fixing the shower (that has cracks in it that we've tried to seal for a good 5 years, and have meant to do something with over the last 3 years), and a vehicle for me ($5000 range).
I spoke up today and said we don't have money for a BBQ, he pointed out that we need one - I said we just won't BBQ(we BBQ ALOT). When he started talking of the other two things I 'busied' myself away from the table.

I feel guilt for the $2 spent on my neice! AND I feel guilty for the pidly $2 gift for my neice.

I haven't even brought up the concern I have about the FBN books (Roger's business), how I struggle to find the time to keep up on them, and then the lack of confidence in doing them, and have woken up dreaming of losing everything because of my lack of knowledge.

I am like a jack of all trades - doing it all, but none of it well. Majority of the time lately I battle the thoughts of running away - abandoning everyone and living as a recluse; or throwing the kids in Public school, getting some mindless grunt job in the oil patch (would be good for my weight issues!), and focusing just on my immediate family.

I also get tired of being argued with by my children, students and husband. There are even times I restate something in agreement with them -'Yah, I know what you mean, its like...' - and then their response is as though we are in an argument. SO often I have thought to myself - 'just shut up Ruth, just keep your mouth shut!'

I know this all has sounded ridiculous. I know I need to
walk in
faith not fear,
love not duty,
heart not expectation.

I am ashamed of the last blog and this one, but this IS entitled "Ruthie's challenges"! I don't want anyone patting me on the back and reassuring me I'm all wrong, that they love me so much. The only one allowed to do that is my husband ... and you know today, he loved on me even though all weekend I have tried very hard to live in my own bubble. I am SO blessed to have him for my husband.

END OF RANTING!!!

Aware of Expectations-pt1

2010-05-16T12:50:00.010-06:00

*If you are going to read this at all - you need to read both parts AND my comment on the end of the second - or you will think me a whiny,spoiled child!!

My Expectations of myself...
Proverbs 31 woman: (you'll see summary when I am done each verse)

As a wife: To have home stocked with what he needs, to participate his needs, to ensure sexual satisfaction at least every other day, to have him feel that I am fully behind him and that I only build him up, to have him think of me as beautiful, fun and smart.

As a mother: To always answer with love and tenderness, to always be there - putting down whatever I am in the midst of for their needs, to have the wisdom and discernment to know how to effectively discipline, teach and train them, to facilitate their dreams and goals.

As a staff and parent at the school: To always be at my best with coworkers and students, to fulfill my role well, to follow through with the ideas I have.

As a church 'member': To follow through with all the things I see needed - Sunday School teacher, back ground work and help, helping with social gatherings, visiting and having people over to my home, to physically help out in homes that need it ...

As a daughter: To care for and bless my folks for all they have done and for who they are - yard and house work, renovations, finances...

As a sibling/Aunt: To call regularily, to send cards and gifts consistently (or at all!), to be there at the drop of a hat when I can hear tiredness,etc. in their voice...

As a friend: To connect often enough to keep a friendship, to send cards and gifts at birthdays, to surprise with things like home made soup when sick or a gift of some sort just because.

Years ago my dad and I went for some special testing at a ... er, can't recall the right word at the moment, the high intense herbal drops you hold under your tongue... anyway... Mom has reminded me that my test came back very high in one particular area - awareness.

I am aware there are at least 2 families in my church that need emotional and financial support right now.

I am aware that my sister is battling cancer and I have done virtually nothing to help her out.

I am aware that one of my brother's life has been very stressful and I have done nothing to alleviate it.

I am aware that there is turmoil in the school and feel helpless to help, and that our finances are in great need and am struggling to do enough.

I am aware that my mind is often not on my work at hand.

I am aware that my 70 year old parents are still working - dad full time away from home, and my mom hard around the large home and land. My siblings have helped and blessed them greatly but I have done nothing - in fact, they still bless me with things like money to go to a prayer retreat!

I am aware that my neice and nephews on my husband's side don't know us and could probably care less because I haven't reached out to them.

My neices and nephews on my side are lucky if they even get a simple card for their birthday - and lets not bring up Christmas!

I am aware my kids are frustrated because they see their friend's with cell phones, allowances, holidays (outside country and not 'just' visiting grandparents), etc.

I am aware my husband feels that I never listen to him, that I am not a good steward of his home or money...

I am aware of my husband's frustrations regarding work, house cleanliness and finances, and am aware I fall short in alleviating any of it.

I am aware I have friends who are hurt because I don't keep in better contact.

I am aware of my many friends here in town that I always say we'll get together and yet never do.

I am acutely aware when I see a need and am not filling it.

I am aware that because I am not educated I am not bringing into the home what I could be - but that we can't afford me to get certified as a teacher...

I am aware that I am not present with my children the way I should be.

I am aware that I have not stayed on top of my daughters Type 1 diabetes, and largely blame my own issues with food for struggling to help her - and now my own daughter's health is at risk because of me.

I am aware I have been nothing but blessed and protected in my life and yet I have all these internal issues, while others are struggling with legitimate health issues, marital distress, job loss, etc.

I am aware of feeling like I do nothing right and I only disappoint. Yah, yah, I know, "Oh no Ruth! You are great! We love you!" ... I DO appreciate that,
but I am not living up to expectation and it is humbling and at times heart wrenching.

This summer I want to send Christine to diabetic camp (none of my kids have ever been to one), I want to spend time in Jasper with Samantha(something she has wanted for a year), I want to get my kids the shelving they need in their rooms, I want to spend at least one good week at my mom's helping for the August Long Weekend, I want to plan a fabulous bridal shower for my neice and have the greatest shower and wedding gifts for her. I want to visit my brother in Saskatchewan. I want to spend time at our new school helping out and volunteering. I want to visit Wagners, Walderns, Prestons, Davis', Moores, Stephensons, DeJongs, Whytes, Couturiers, Nahamkos, Gullions, Boysons, Paquettes, Hahns, Dycks, and so many more including neighbors ...

But instead I think I will be getting a summer job, hope to squeeze in diabetic camp and August long weekend, and try to get caught up on things like washing my windows ... and instead of making impacts that are meaningful and lasting, I will simply help get our family by for another summer.

Yes, I am aware of expectations - and am acutely aware when I fail.

That's why the email from Gloria regarding silver, and my Aunt's blog have been timely ... and somehow I will once again shrug this off and carry on in my daily actions that have to get done. Maybe one day the fog will lift.

(yes, a miserable blog I know)

Silver - do I believe?

2010-05-16T12:35:00.002-06:00

(Family sent this to me and I just opened it...)

Malachi 3:3 says:
'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ' He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, ' Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

31:25 - strong, secure, dignified

2010-05-15T08:00:00.007-06:00

Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure. She rejoices over the future - the latter day or time to come (knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it)!

Mmmm, 'strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure'.

I'm pondering; I have always found it very easy to be transparent - to the point that I have had to be very conscious to protect my husband's desire for privacy; but now I am pondering just how much to share.

How my heart yearns to be this woman described here, and don't say its impossible, I have seen my sister do it for 36 years! To be strong, dignified, secure and confident ... I have my moments when I do sense clarity and hope, you can refer to my April 1st blog regarding 'The Fog'. Yet just this last week I had another 'episode' and found myself planning how I could end it while leaving the least problems for my family. My anxiety level seems to be running on high, although I have no call for it to, and I know this because of my thought life and emotional turmoil.

Our thought life is very important to our emotions and actions, I know this. So when I have thoughts that I know are absurd or false I do what I can to stop them and refute them. Yet the intensity of these 'moments' seem to increase. The lie is whispered to me that these negative things keep coming back because it is truth. Part of me wants to lay it all out there to be exposed, but that is just too dreadful of a thought, and to articulate it in a way that one may be able to begin to understand I would have to do it in those moments... and as much as I want my blog to be real and true, I also want it to be full of hope.

So today I will meditate on my Aunt's blog and leave you with an excerpt from hers...
...It is interesting to note how much the Bible has to say about God’s choices. Of course, being the Creator of all that is, as well as the Redeemer of the world, and being the inherent essence of Love, Wisdom, and Knowledge, it is unquestionably His prerogative to make whatever choices He pleases. ...
God chooses the “foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and the weak things of the world to shame the things which are mighty, and base things of the world, and things which are despised, and things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, so that no-one can boast before Him.”...
(Taken from "Chosen" - Letters of Hope)

This really hasn't been a well written blog ...
(I spent time writing two more blogs after the silver one ... trying to identify where these ridiculous emotions are coming from, but have chosen to hide them)

31:24 - baby slings

2010-05-14T07:23:00.002-06:00

She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles (or sashes that free one for service).

Entrepreneurship. This verse makes me think of my friend B and when she had a web sight to sell things like her wool diaper covers and baby slings that she taught herself to sew ... could be exactly described as 'sashes that fee one for service'. :)

31:23 - husbands...

2010-05-13T08:00:00.002-06:00

Her husband is known in the city's gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

Roger's name means "Mighty Warrior"; and his middle name means "Head Leader/Presiding Official". February 3rd's blog had me pondering names and the meanings of them and I shared my prayer for him.

A good man can do great things in his spheres of influence. Where does a wife fit in? The only verse linked to this one is Proverbs 12:4 "A good wife is her husband's pride and joy; but a wife who brings shame on her husband is like a cancer in his bones." Take a good man, wise, hardworking, a man of integrity and worth. But his wife is known to gossip, cause division, or is a lush or slut. What is that man now known for? Who wants to invite his family over for dinner or to an important meeting?

I want to be the wind beneath my husband's wings - as it were - to sit back with pride and dignity when my husband's name comes up, knowing God has His hand of blessing on him.

May my husband be known in all the area's of his influence, and find favor in all who know him.

31:22 - wedding clothes

2010-05-12T08:00:00.001-06:00

She makes for herself coverlets, cushions and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure white and fine, and of purple (such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple are made).

Jerusalem rejoices because of what the Lord has done. She is like a bride dressed for her wedding. God has clothed her with salvation and victory. (Is.61:10)
Those who win the victory will be clothed like this in white, and I will not remove their names from the book of the living. In the presence of my Father and of his angels I will declare openly that they belong to me. (Rev.3:5)
Let us rejoice and be glad; let us praise his greatness! For the time has come for the wedding of the Lamb, and his bride has prepared herself for it. She has been given clean shining linen to wear (The linen is the good deeds of God's people.) (Rev. 19:7-8)

This may seem funny, but I think of Braveheart - the movie about William Wallace - and the little napkin that his wife lovingly prepared for him on the day of the wedding. A lot of the old traditions that have been lost in our new 'modern' society is a tragedy to me.

Our wedding day is coming soon with Jesus, what can I lovingly prepare for Him as a gift and token of my love? ...
...every work that is not done by Him will be burned away, so the best gift to give is to have a willing and ready heart to obey whenever His voice calls. :)

31:21 - Redemption

2010-05-11T17:42:00.003-06:00

She fears not the snow (of temptation or false teaching) for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in (the) scarlet (of redemption).

One of the references linked to this is the passage in Joshua 2, when the harlot, Rahab, hides the two spies in Jericho. They agree that she is to hang a scarlet rope out her window and when the time comes anyone in her home would not be harmed. Later in chapter 24 Joshua tells the people that "as for me and my household we will serve the Lord".

In our society today there is great temptation and a lot of false teaching. It is wise in the eyes of man and has convincing arguments. I have struggles of my own - I like the hope that as I battle it out for myself, that it is also being battled for my whole household.
1Cor. 7:14 "For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." Phil.2:12 "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling..."

But it is vital to remember where the redemption comes from. Hebrews 9:22 says that forgiveness of sins only occurs when blood is poured out. Jesus. Creator, God, Son, Man, perfect and blameless, took on my sin and my consequences in order to redeem me to Himself. When I am hid in Him there is no room for fear for my household - for His blood is more than sufficient!

Father God I thank You for Your grace and mercy and ask that You solidify Your Truth in my heart that I may live it out before my family. I pray that You draw each to yourself and for that blessed reassurance that I indeed can know that my household are doubly clothed in You.

3:20 - compassionate servant

2010-05-11T06:51:00.003-06:00

She opens her hand to the poor; yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy (whether in body,mind or spirit).

3:19 - weaving character

2010-05-11T06:00:00.001-06:00

She lays her hands to the spindle (spinning threads of which character is made), and her hands hold the distaff (making yarn to weave into lives pleasing to God).

Ah, a summary of mothers and teachers!
I love the visual of spinning and weaving into lives.
(picture of woman with both a spindle and a distaff)
I find my thoughts continue to go to God weaving in our lives, yet this verse talks about the woman laying her hands on the spindle and taking hold of the distaff. Spinning and weaving takes time, patience, faith that its worth the work and that it will be useful when you are finished. So does raising and teaching children. Sometimes all we see is the seemingly tangle of fibers, or the back side of an elaborate tapestry that just looks a mess. Yet if we hold fast and work diligently we will 'taste and see that our work with and for God is good'!

31:18 - Reliance on God (*You Are)

2010-05-10T06:59:00.006-06:00

She tastes and sees that her gain from work (with and for God) is good; her lamp (of faith and dependence upon God) goes not out; but (full of the oil of His Spirit) it burns on continually through the night (of trouble, privation or sorrow, warning away such robbers as fear, doubt and distrust).

Without the Amplified version one may wonder how one should 'rise while it is yet night' AND stay up all night ... thankfully we aren't expected to do so - as I am terrible with no sleep!

My husband has said a lot over the last year that he has never regretted anything when it has involved God. When we are walking in communion and cooperation with Him we can truly trust that we will see the fruit of our labor one day and that it will taste good!

Trouble, privation (to be deprived of something, esp. that which is required; to be in want), and sorrow are definitely dark times in one's life. The verse gives no inference that the night won't come, but that we have a lamp that will give us light through it. During this dark night it is especially important to have a light because the robbers fear, distrust and doubt can completely cripple a person's life. And what is this lamp that can help us through? Faith and dependence on God.

My sister walks this talk. I confess I have struggled with all three robbers, and trying to 'man-handle' them has never been successful for me. I have distrusted my husband's love, I have doubted God and His Word, and I have lived in fear - as God has been showing me practically every day the number of responses I give out of fear. I have three children in this home where I have been allowing such darkness and invasion to occur ... yet God in His great grace continues to pull me back into His arms of grace (not without natural consequences).

My prayers are said, so rather, I share my sister's poem (and now song) that she wrote in December of 2001 and I still have posted on my fridge:

YOU ARE

Without Your filling I have nothing to give,

Without Your blessing, I have no way to live.

I need Your hand on my life every day

Teaching me Lord what to do, what to say.

You are my Strength for the pressures of life.

You are my Peace in the midst of my strife.

You are my Power enabling me to stand.

Your words, my assurance, You're holding my hand.

You are my Hope, that there's more than I can see.

You are my Helper, to get down on my knees.

Though life is so dark - You are my light.

When choices are hard - You're always right.

You are my Father, my Friend and my Fire.

You are my Strong Arm and burning desire;

My Foundation, my Fortress, in You I'm secure.

For everything that ails me - You are my Cure.

You are my Anchor in life's stormy sea.

For all that I need, Lord, You are the key.

The Lover of my soul, Precious and True,

Of all the world offers, none can compare to You.

By Rebecca Oehlerking

31:17 - fitness

2010-05-09T19:04:00.003-06:00

She girds herself with strength (spiritual, mental and physical fitness for her God-given task) and makes her arms strong and firm.

Although I see my short comings in every verse, this one seems to hit home the hardest for me as the physical battle with my weight, and the mental battle with food and self-image, over shadows everything in my life. It is true that our physical bodies grow old and die, and that they are simply the vessels that carry who we really are - soul and spirit. But how we feel physically DOES very much affect our actions and quality of life.

31:16 - good business sense

2010-05-08T16:33:00.002-06:00

She considers a new field (of interest or activity) before she buys or accepts it - expanding prudently (and not courting neglect on her present duties by assuming others). With her savings (of time and strength) she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard.

When I was in school I use to have a poster of some cute puppies, with one biting another's tail, the caption read "Don't Bite Off More Than You Can Chew". That is so easy to do in life, and each bite can be so good and useful! But filling our time with good things isn't necessarily good.

The Proverbs woman is a wise business woman,
thinking through her decisions,
ensuring what she does do she does well,
and knows how to invest into the future.

3:15 - communing with God essential

2010-05-07T06:39:00.003-06:00

She rises while yet it is night and gets (through communion with her God?) spiritual food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.

When I homeschooled I loved to be up early and have time alone. I would dig into the word, spend time in prayer and worship, and journal to the Lord. I would read this verse and regard my three children as my maids, and seek the Lord for the coming day's needs.

There are two scriptural lessons I have taken regarding 'rising while it is yet night' for that days 'food'. One is of course Jesus' example of seperating Himself for quiet times alone. Its easy to get caught up in the business around us, but it is vital to ensure we get that time in quiet meditation and undistracted communion with our Father. It rejuvenates, refreshes, renews and refills!

The other hit home when I taught Sunday School. I had been given permission to start at Genesis and take the kids through the old testament. We were at the part when God sent manna every day for the people to gather. The manna was the size of a coriander seed and tasted like sweet wafers of honey, so I went out and bought some coriander seed - they are tiny! I also bought some Frosted Flakes and broke them up little. The Isrealites had to gather about 2 liters every morning, so I also gathered as many 2 liter bottles as I could. During Sunday school I proceeded to spread the seed and some flakes all over the carpeted floor, and had the kids gather as much as they could. It was hard work and we personally never came close to gathering 2 liters worth! I had had the notion that God basically served manna to them in bed every morning and night - no cooking, cleaning or shopping - can I go there!? HA! Was I wrong in my perception. Gathering manna every day for that day's need took diligent work - gathering coriander seed size sugar wafers from the sandy wilderness would not have been easy. I am very thankful that I can talk to Jesus throughout my day, 'when I get up and when I walk by the way', and that seeking Him can be a lot of fun, like playing hide-n-seek with Abba. Yet I also believe that He doesn't serve us 'breakfast in bed' daily, that in order to grow it does take some work.

I have been looking up the verses that this particular Bible associated with each one, and I found this one particularily interesting, it leads to Job 23:12...
"I always do what God commands; I follow His will, not my own desires."

Hmm ... I could very easily set off on many runaways here!
Let me finish with Esther - I think of her because she was an amazing woman and example to us. During a women's prayer group a friend did some teaching on Esther and revealed something to me I hadn't seen.
Here is Esther, raised by her uncle, obedient and respectful to him, goes to the palace, where for a good year she is prepared to see the King once. If she pleases the King above all the other beautiful women she may become Queen. However, the number of women that are there, chances are that a woman would see the King once and then live her life out in the King's harlem, perhaps never to be called upon again, and never having a family.
"Before a girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics. And this is how she would go to the king: Anything she wanted was given her to take with her from the harem to the king's palace. In the evening she would go there and in the morning return to another part of the harem to the care of Shaashgaz, the king's eunuch who was in charge of the concubines. She would not return to the king unless he was pleased with her and summoned her by name."
A lot of girls would take this opportunity and run with it - it may be their last chance - give a girl an endless credit card and the best stores - an opportunity to have what she always dreamed of - and a chance to win the position of Queen while you do it!!
However, that is not what Esther did...
"When the turn came for Esther (the girl Mordecai had adopted, the daughter of his uncle Abihail) to go to the king, she asked for nothing other than what Hegai, the king's eunuch who was in charge of the harem, suggested. And Esther won the favor of everyone who saw her."

If you aren't connecting the dots - Esther knew that the eunuch would have a better idea of what the king's likes were, so rather then indulging her own desires she only asked for what the eunuch suggested - and in doing so won the favor of everyone!

We too have the opportunity in ways to run with grace and freedom and live as we deem right - or we can take that grace and freedom back to the KING and ask what HIS desires are for us.

Father, May I not allow 'a little slumber and a little folding of hands' to grip me, but instead may I rise while it is yet night and commune with You for the day's needs and plans. May I obey Your Voice and not my own selfish desires. And may I follow through with the tasks I am to give to my 'maids'. I know You know what is best and I trust You. Amen.

3:14 - having something to offer

2010-05-06T07:19:00.004-06:00

She is like the merchant ships loaded with food stuffs, she brings her household's (spiritual?) food from a far (country).

This woman is no simpleton with nothing to offer her family. She is loaded with great things, and that makes me think of leadership. I have often heard good messages preached regarding the need for leaders to get some quiet time to rejuvenate and refill ... but I'm jumping ahead to tomorrow's verse! :)

Just ponder and ask God what He's shipping to your family today via you!

31:13 -working for character

2010-05-05T08:00:00.002-06:00

She seeks out the wool and flax (of which righteous character is made?) and works with willing hands to develop it.

-Seek, search, enquire for, strive after ... that which righteous character is made.
-Work to develop it ... even when someone is gifted in an area, to use it well takes work (practice) to develop it into a useful skill.
-Be willing ... and not work at it with a burdensome heaviness of a job, but with an eagerness to see the righteous character developed.

First in our own lives, then as the body of Christ, and of course with our children.

You will see many verses pull on my heart strings as a mom, and my love for home education.

The work involved here is very difficult.
When I was pregnant with my first child my sister told me the hardest part of raising kids was to be consistent - at the time I didn't understand why that would be so hard.

This entry seems very disjointed, but I feel I should share a personal conviction I have had in this area. It comes from 1 Samuel 2-3. Eli was a Priest ... "The sons of Eli were base and worthless; they did not know or regard the Lord ... So the sin of the two young men was very great before the Lord ... Now Eli was very old and he heard all that his sons did to all Israel and how they lay with the women who served at the door of the Tent of Meeting. And he said to them, 'Why do you do such thing? For I hear of your evil dealing from all the people. No, my sons; it is no good report which I hear the Lord's people spreading abroad. If one man wrongs another, God will mediate for him; but if a man wrongs the Lord, who shall intercede for him?' Yet they did not listen to their father. ... Why then do you kick My sacrifice and My offering which I commanded, and honor your sons above Me ... And I now announce to him that I will judge and punish his house forever for the iniquity of which he knew, for his sons were bringing a curse upon themselves, and he did not restrain them..."

Eli's speech sounds much too familiar to me.
Years ago I was convicted that I am a peace keeper rather then a peace maker - meaning I avoid conflict and prefer fake peace to fighting for true peace. Another on going work in me.
So I lecture my children, plead for their agreement, and then walk away ... not restraining them. A video I just watched with Roger with John Bevere touched on this very thing. Honoring our family above God has never ended well.

So I pray
Father God I thank You for Your mercy and that You are faithful to complete every good work You start. You hear my confessions and You hear me cry out that I do not wish for my heart to be this way. I invite the Holy Spirit to do a great convicting work in me as You transform me into Your image... May I love and honor You above all else, not just in my wishing mind, but in the life of my heart and soul. I pray that You reveal to me the wool and flax that I need to willingly work in my own life and that of my children to see Your righteous character shine through. In Your name Jesus, Amen.

31:12 - wind beneath his wings (*Choice)

2010-05-04T08:02:00.002-06:00

She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

What could you achieve if there was someone who always believed the best in you? Who loved you sincerely with grace and understanding?

When I was first engaged and married I had it all figured out - my, what I wife I would be! But then reality hit and my dear husband has put up with a lot. Its easy to get caught up in the games and emotions of life.

I want to be the one my husband turns to when he has had a bad day or a heartache. I want to be the one my husband can't wait to share good news with and laugh with. I want to be the one my husband feels safe to turn to with all the heaviness and ugly truths within him - knowing he can trust my love and confidence. I want, at the end of his life, for him to turn back and say 'she only did me good all the days of my life! I'm a better person for being with her.' I want to be the wind beneath his wings and quietly sit back with a grin as people awe at the wonderment of this amazing, soaring man.

This also reminds me of The Choice - by Max Lucado - its worth posting again... its good to sit back and check your priorities...

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands.

It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose.

I choose love...No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy...I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical ... the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less that human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace...I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience...I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness...I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness...I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness...Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My {husband} will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I choose gentleness...Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I choose self-control ...I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control.

I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.
Max Lucado - "When God Whispers Your Name" - chapter 11 entitled "The Choice" (- if I am enfringing upon copyrights, please contact me.)

31:11 - confidently trust worthy

2010-05-03T07:39:00.003-06:00

The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of honest gain or need of dishonest spoil.

Does my husband trust me confidently in all areas of our relationship? Does he believe that I am faithful to him sexually - not just physically, but within my thoughts and heart too? Does he know I have his back; that regardless of the internal issues, that a negative word would not come out of my mouth about him, nor would I allow others to speak against him? Does he trust me not to waste our family's hard earned money on selfish and vain pursuits? Does he trust me to love him through hard times, to in fact prefer hard times with his honesty and integrity intact over having more from questionable practices?

And what about the church as a bride? Can God trust me as His ambassador to walk with integrity and truth? Can He trust me to listen and obey His voice? Do I have questionable motives in what I do? Do I compromise His will in order to try to gain Him 'dishonest' spoil?

These questions are hard.
I HAVE bad mouthed/gossiped/vented regarding my husband - do you know that he never has about me! He protected me to the point that the other men at the mill were referring to me as "Saint Ruth"! I recall when I learned that, the conviction I felt. The world is hard enough without tearing one another down in our own homes, and I have learned that it is MUCH more beneficial to take my concerns and gripes to Jesus quietly!

And I know that I have often honored people more then God, being more concerned of their feelings and mental understanding then God's truth.
I think of the people that have come to believe in Jesus under the false pretense that it is all about love and grace and mercy; and know nothing of obedience, sacrifice, humility, or the fear of God - would they not be 'dishonest gain'?

Lord Jesus, I want to be trusted confidently. Please convict me daily of actions that break that trust. I pray that You'd open my eyes to an opportunity today to build that trust - with You and my husband. Amen.

31:10 - role of men & women

2010-05-02T10:00:00.003-06:00

"A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman - who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls."

Religion has a bad name for making women inferior, but that has never been true of God. Yes, we are created as 'help-mates', and it is a physical fact that women are weaker then men. But is the heart any less important then the brain!? We are created to compliment and complete. We were not taken from the head to rule over man, nor the feet to be walked all over, but from a rib, close to man's heart to love and protect. There is freedom and blessing when living within the Creator's design.

We have done a great disservice to our men by trying to 'usurp authority' over their role and have left a lot of men emasculated. A project works a lot better and can be magnificent when everyone does there role well, but when there are those always vying for the lime light things usually fall apart, or at the very least, its not as great as it might have been.

We've also done a disservice to our daughters in allowing our role to be thought of as inferior and unacceptable. Our society pressures girls to feel that they need to have a career outside the home, which over the years has led to the authentic need in some homes for us to HAVE to work because the economics are geared for two income homes now. Don't get me wrong, careers aren't wrong, but the pendulum always seems to swing to extremes. My own daughters often comment that they aren't 'girly', as though being a girl is the most detestable thing.

Somehow we've gone from modest, skirt wearing feminine ladies
to women who think its great to flaunt their boobs as sex objects rather then life giving gifts, and love to make money at the expense of the other women who are at home, hurt, because, somehow, they are no longer enough for their husbands. I've watched programs (that I really shouldn't have) and have heard the arguments and perspectives. Believe it or not I do get it. In searching my heart, I think that if I had a 'deadly' body and no conviction of the Holy Spirit I would be one of the 'high class' girls. Hell! The money is great and who DOESN'T want to be SO wanted and desired! But where are you in the end? Where are these girls when they are 50, 60, 70 years old? And the TRUTH is - lust does NOT equate love.

Over the next 20 verses of Proverbs 31 you will see that God created women - NOT as lowly servant girls or door mats - but as incredible creatures that are CAPABLE, INTELLIGENT AND VIRUTOUS ...VALUED MORE THEN JEWELS, RUBIES OR PEARLS.

"Instead of asking, 'What should a woman do—what is her role?' it would be far more helpful to ask, 'What is a woman—what is her design?' and, 'Why did God place Woman in our midst?' " — John Eldredge (Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul)

Introduction Prov.31

2010-05-01T11:15:00.003-06:00

"It is most unfortunate that this discription of God's ideal woman is usually confined in readers' minds merely to its literal sense - her ability as a homemaker ... but it is obvious that far more than that is meant..."
This is the start of the footnotes in my Amplified Bible.

Years ago, when my children were toddlers, Proverbs 31 was a discussion during a woman's prayer meeting. I had never taken note of this passage before, and my interest was sparked even more when a single lady shared how dear this was to her heart - in reading it with the perspective of Jesus as her husband. We also discussed the church being the bride and Jesus the Husband. Then I read the passage at my mom's in her Amplified Bible - of which I still have a copy of framed in my kitchen - 'a goal set before me'. Well, when something is up for awhile we tend to not take notice after awhile. I recently took the time to reread it while cooking supper and think it would be beneficial to me to spend this month meditating on the passage.

(Feel free to make comments too!)

PS - This is what Lemuel king of Massa's mother told him to look for in a wife.

Blooming 4

2010-04-30T07:54:00.005-06:00

Take some bulbs, the same for all intents and purposes, they are planted in the same place, with the same care and attention, and yet they grow differently ...

The following are two photos, one of the plant I have been 'following', with one tiny, not yet bloomed blossom on the right; the second is a foot away and has had a few blooms opening beautifully for a few days now ... and evidently will soon have much more color to burst forth in the warmth of the day.

Makes me ponder disappointment, comparison and contentment.

I've thought of many things to write, but think it best I end it with some of God's Word rather then man's philisophical thoughts:

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God?
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
'Why did you make me like this?'
Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes
and some for common use?"
(Rom.9:20-21)
"You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
'He did not make me'?
Can the pot say of the potter,
'He knows nothing'?"
(Is. 29:16)
"Yet, O Lord, You are the Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand."
(Is.64:8)
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm.
He said, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions?
Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?"
(Job 38:1-5) God continues to question Job for 4 chapters!

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly
and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."
(Micah 6:8)
"...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.
Be completely humble
and gentle;
be patient,
bearing with one another in love.
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Eph.4:1-3)
"But the fruit of the spirit is
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law."

Bloom where God has planted you and endeavour to be the best you He created you to be!

Blooming 3

2010-04-22T13:47:00.002-06:00

The tulips are coming along nicely, and thankfully we've had some rain now too. As you can see in the following photo, some of the smaller tulips are actually showing some yellow! I figured since my photos ran on the 2 and 12th, it be only right I show the 22nd too! I am also pleased to report that my Tigerlilies and Peonies (sp!?) are showing their little heads through the dirt now too.

Another event just took place regarding plants. There were two very large black poplar trees in our neighbors back yard, and one more that was two thirds on their property, and one third on ours. The amount of leaves that fall every year fills many back yards, and the stickies in the spring cover everything - including their little dogs long hair every time it steps outside. So they came and talked to us and the decision was made to see them go. It is very sad.

It will be much hotter in our backyard now. When I needed to take five I could go out and lean back in a lawn chair with only their green/orange leaves and the blue sky in my vision and escape, now it seems so naked out there. The bird watching won't be as magnificent either. I'm not upset, just sad.

Change is tough, but inevitable. In life we sometimes need a little rain, a little fertilizer, a little weeding and pruning ... and we also sometimes need to utterly remove something from our lives. Too bad it isn't as easy as removing YEARS of growth in three black poplar trees.

It's not about...

2010-04-19T19:33:00.003-06:00

Today a friend left a copy of some encouraging words in my mailbox shoot at the school. Considering the wild mixture of emotions and thoughts running through me I have chosen to share the words of encouragement here - perhaps typing them out will help settle my soul.

"It's not about following our career path

It's about following His call upon our lives.

(Matt. 16:24)

It's not about our self-efforts to live for Him;

It's about letting Him live His life in us.

(Gal. 2:20)

It's not about our attempts at self-improvement;

It's about His transforming grace.

(2Cor. 5:17)

It's not about our self-image;

Its' about being conformed to his image.

(Rom.8:29)

It's not about wanting the approval of others;

It's about having His approval.

(2 tim. 2:15)"

(Taken from "Roy's devotional at Meet Me in the Meadows")

Blooming 2

2010-04-12T17:24:00.006-06:00

I find it's not the easiest thing to stay focused on the present, to be content with where one is in life.

I often find myself not 'present' with my children, and often feel convicted about it. This blooming where I am planted is tough, and I am realizing (again) just how selfish my heart is. Ok Lord, prune and hoe away!

Let's see how my tulips are doing with this ;) ...

"Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

(Phil. 4:12-13 - Message - one that crosses my mind when my 'dreaming' crosses the line of contentment)

My sister's letter (appearances!)

2010-04-08T16:53:00.010-06:00

After writing this morning my mom received the most recent of my sister's letter "The Adventure Called Life". In it she discusses her body's struggle with cancer in Feb. of 08 ... a good two years ago. She entitled it "Appearances" and it opens with 1 Samuel 16:7

"But the Lord said to Samuel,

Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature,

for I have rejected him.

For the Lord sees not as man sees;

for man looks on the outward appearance,

but the Lord looks on the heart."

How timely Becca!

In her letter she shares how this was one of the worst times for her. She was retaining a LOT of fluid (due to her type 3 ovarian cancer for those who missed earlier blogs!) and some people had commented on how brave she was to have another baby. Their reaction was surprise as she shared the truth of her tummy, and of course she then shared her faith and the great God she serves! :)

From that she drew that, although for all appearance sake, she seemed to be carrying life within her, she was, in reality, carrying death. She goes on to apply that to Christian lives and ministries. (Of course her letter contains much more to chew on, but that's the essence of the appearance portion)

It's now April 2010, her tummy is swelled greatly and she is tired. Tomorrow she will have her tummy drained again, mom will find out how much and send out the results with her letter to numerous people. I love my sister so much and am so proud of her. If anyone is a living example of walking in faith, love and joy it is my sister. If there is anyone who demonstrates total surrender and faith in God it is her. If you are reading this, all your prayers are still very much coveted.

(picture taken in St.Albert when we hooked up for lunch.)

UPDATE!!! Becca averages the amount of fluid removed by the number of weeks since her last drainage. This is what my mom wrote in the update:

"Rebecca had her abdomen drained last Friday, April 9th. They removed 4500 ml of fluid and she added to that the 160 ml they removed before Christmas. The weekly average in September after 10 weeks was 730ml, in October after 6 weeks was 383 ml and this month after 24 weeks was 194ml. So it is coming down!"

Appearances

2010-04-08T08:27:00.011-06:00

When one is ashamed of their looks, and even uncomfortable in their skin,
they can hide out and isolate themselves,
or they can very shyly and timidly and guardedly (if thats a word) weave in and out of their day - cringing at every encounter,
or they can reach deep within and pull out the guts to shrug it off and live life with a full smile.
I have done all three. Usually the second.
But blooming where I am planted would require the third.

Back on the 2nd I went to see a couple old friends. I LOVE to see my friends - but I often have to force myself to see some of them because of my shame and insecurity. But I bullied my fears aside and went with a skip in my step. I very sincerely heard a squeel escape my lips as I ran into their wonderful arms. We talked, laughed, thought about life ... it was a drink for my soul.
But then I got home and my daughter and I started looking at photos from the evening. All the cringing and shame came flooding back. And I've been trying to pump out those black and sticky waters since. (I suppose TV and movies are partly to blame, you never see a great romance or even comedy with someone that looks like me. We belong on reality TV where, instead of people looking with wonder and pride for those who battle through to make changes in their lives, society tends to watch out of morbid curiosity and pity.)

I have overheard comments about other people that aren't so nice, and wonder what is said about me. Are people sincerely drawn to someone with joy regardless of their appearance, or is it just politeness while THEY fight cringing inside, feeling guilty for being thankful they don't look like that?

Over the years working at the school - as great as the kids are - I have come to the realization that youth have always made me squirm (even when I was one). When I started at the school, another woman started at the same time. We are both over weight - but our looks are quite different - different hair color, length and 'design', different facial characteristics, etc. Yet all they saw was the 'two new fat teachers' - I quote that because that is what I overheard. And for two years would have them come to me thinking I was her (she taught them not me!), or I'd say hello and they would look at me with that "oh shoot! Which one is this again?!" look.
Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of great teens that aren't superficial - even these at the school I would not label that way - but I'm trying to demonstrate the ugly truth of our human nature. And adults are no exception to the truth.

I KNOW my friends truly love me and accept me - I am beyond blessed with friends and family that support me and my Lord that has always protected me.

So I choose to bloom where I am planted - I will laugh even if it makes my fat jiggle, I will spring to action to throw a football around, I will focus on the other person's needs rather than my own, and I will trust the Creator to figure out how to make His garden beautiful - after all, He did plant me here.

Heavenly Father I pray You forgive me for caring so much more about what my fellow man thinks instead of what You think. Thank You for the good work You have done in me so far, and for being Faithful to complete what You have started! Thank You for Your mighty GRACE while I learn to let You prune, cultivate and fertilize me. I DO trust You, help me to KNOW that with a surrendered heart You CAN transform me - that I won't hinder all that You are trying to do! Help me to know how to abide in You in daily life, and to stop trying to pull my petals open before they are ready. I surrender to You and thank You for planting me here, I trust Your tender care while I bloom.

Blooming 1

2010-04-02T21:00:00.000-06:00

I love my tulips. I start looking for them in the end of February! They are always the first sign of new life in the spring and will start poking out even admidst the snow. (Although this year there was no snow for them to poke through - how we need some precipitation! - but thats a whole other matter!)

Thinking of blooming has brought on an on slaught of other metaphorical images in my mind.

Think of the soft petals of a flower. They so delicately and patiently open to their full splendor all in good time. If you try to pry it open before it's ready you only hurt, or even kill, the flower. Blooming takes patience ... and faith.

....
I went to visit a couple old girlfriends today - it was like a drink for my soul! How we need good girlfriends. ;D
....and hmmm, friendship, another bloom that grows and changes with time.

The Fog

2010-04-01T11:09:00.002-06:00

My husband ran across a booklet that I bought a while ago on detoxing. One of the signals for the need to detox is a foggy mind - boy do I relate to that! It is often difficult for me to know the truth behind my thoughts and emotions - and it drastically affects the person I am.

I do have times however when it's like driving out of a fog. I think, feel and sense with a clarity that is most refreshing. I wish I could run faster and pull myself completely away, I wish the sun would warm up and evaporate the fog from my heart's vision.

This must all sound ... odd. To explain further would require me trying to explain things that I prefer to keep to myself. Thoughts and emotions that are shameful and harsh and unreal. I have been blessed immeasurably in my life, I have tons of family and friends who truly care about me, I have a loving husband, three great kids, a home and security. I have been protected from fights, disputes and harsh words - this is driven home when my 13 year old has already experienced more heartache in friendships then I ever have. Yet I do not walk in the joy or freedom that my circumstances should only enhance.

Ok, here goes - without details - I struggle with my faith, I struggle to love my husband, I struggle to love my kids, and I am tossed to and fro between self defense and self mutilation. (no, I'm not cutting)

My life seems to come apart right before my 'moon'(adopted from friend), and then the most clarity comes for the short few days, then I seem to slowly sink back into the fog.

With starting my thyroid meds and hormone cream again - and eating better for the last few days - I am feeling hopeful to stay out of the fog.

My incredible parents are also 'sponsoring' me to go to a special prayer retreat - I only hope this is a divine appointment - I need a retreat. It will need to be a divine appointment because I got the application off way later then they wanted and even if I would be accepted there may not be room enough for me. I think it was mom's last visit on Valentines weekend that she saw a little first hand of the fear that has its grip on me.

Anyway - enough trying to articulate things to cyberspace which is equating to babble. A phrase that keeps resignating within me this morning is to
BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED
Perhaps this fog will reveal a much needed moisture and covering for this plant to bloom.

Wed.Day31of31

2010-03-31T10:48:00.001-06:00

I have been struggling a lot. I am back to 250-251 today and hope to continue to see that drop. Figured I had better write something here to tie up yet another loose end.

Friday Day19of31

2010-03-19T07:47:00.002-06:00

This week has gone from bad to worse. I picked up my hormone cream last night. There is talk of spiritual warfare as my principal has had to deal with more conflict and issues with parents, staff and students in the last couple months then in the last 4 years. I feel depressed and angry and am trying to yank myself free. My sister in law sent a video of the waving flag song for Haiti and it encouraged me. My mom sent me a beautiful video to encourage to live in the moment with love and laughter, which was also a wonderful encourager.

Shame of my body is affecting my response to my husband after him being gone for three weeks, is holding me back from running to meet old friends, and the thought of my neices wedding ...

Well, I've spent an hour on the computer catching up from not checking my facebook, email or this blog for the last week. It's time for me to get out the door, ...

Do you ever want to just run away somewhere all by yourself?
Yah, this is disjointed, blah, blah, blah ... I should at least put something though right?

Sunday Day14of31

2010-03-14T19:44:00.002-06:00

The bad thing today was that I did have some peanut butter on my Ryvita crackers.
Ryvita crackers with honey, EDSmith jam and PB
2 coffee with creamer
Smoothie with Probiotics and Acai berry powder
more Ryvita
BBQ chicken and salad
2 pickles while cooking.

Treadmill - 30 minutes total - 10minProg.1 3.6, Stretch, 10minProg.2 3.6, 10minProg1 3.8 Floor excercises and stretch.

I have been pushing my excess body around and feeling my hips and ribs imagining what it would be like to be as thin as my body is ... I never have been slender. I have never looked in the mirror and seen a typical human female figure relected back. I also have been wondering what it would be like to like your body and to feel comfortable in it.
My husband deserves so much better!

Saturday Day?of31

2010-03-13T21:36:00.002-07:00

Yah, hmmm... What happened to Wednesday, Thursday and Friday???
Well, if I recall correctly, Wednesday went well, but since Thursdays it has been a rollercoaster of rollercoasters. Right now - and I mean this moment - I fight depression, shame and a strong desire to pack my bags and vanish to somewhere alone.

On the up side - blood work showed a desperate need for synthroid and I hope by the end of the week my energy will be up and weight will start falling.

Now - no more foods that cause you to swell Ruth, and get back on that treadmill! You are an embarrassment to your husband, children, family and students!!

Tuesday Day9of31

2010-03-09T21:32:00.003-07:00

This morning started with me reading the next chapter in the staff devotional "Teaching to Change Lives". I think a lot of my frustration at work is that I've spent so much time and energy planning, learning what is expected for me to teach, coming up with creative ideas, and then, literally, one sentence into the morning and the kids are flopping around asking when they can play. I sincerely believe TV is largely at fault and I see it very clearly in the K-3 room. But this chapter also dealt directly with how I am teaching. I am meditating on how to apply what I read as it was written for senior high and adult classes.

I had also written a blog entry on some stresses in my home currently, and what God was saying to me Sunday evening. I ended up printing it off and put it in my prayer journal instead. In essence, there is a lot of battles going on in our home and God clearly reminded me to not get lost in daily 'stuff', nor to allow myself to slumber, but rather to stay alert and 'on my knees'. I will confess, I haven't done that nearly adequately enough.

I share these personal things, because being an emotional eater, its important to stay alert to triggers, and to learn to deal with the actual root issues.

On one last side note - I went for lazer treatment on my face for the first time today - OUCH! and does it ever stink like burnt hair. I fought doing this for a long time because I truly hate spending money on things that are 'vain'. Yet when a woman needs to shave her face it is very difficult to feel pretty or even like a female. It does feel good to know I am taking steps to improve my self image.
I also have an appointment Thursday with the doc for my thyroid meds as well as hormone cream - I can't wait as I know the hormone cream definitely helped before, and I hope my constant struggle for energy will improve with the Thyroid meds.

Still 251-253
I made a smoothie with the acai powder, OJ, banana and frozen berries.

Coffee at work. 2 granola bars, an apple, and about 5 jelly beans

2 Ryvita crackers with EDSmith jam...
to be honest with you, I'm not entirely certain what all I ate...
I made the kids do their chores.
I excercised - 20 minutes, 3.8, threw in 2 incline 8's, floor excercises and stretches.
I wasn't prepped for supper - made hot dogs and macaroni for supper. I meant to make a chicken stir fry for myself - but ended up having hotdogs (which were beef - an allergy), 2 riceKrispie squares ... and I think I had something else but don't recall what.
I flopped in front of the TV for a bit - feeling defeated.
Then I got up, looked through the recipe binder my mom left me, made a grocery list and went up town to go shopping. (some things I bought 'new' were 'fresh' salmon, quinoa flour, and asparagus).
I cleaned out my freezer while listening to my son memorize scripture and study spelling words. Then I cut his hair. And had half a glass of Tropicana OJ.

Not a very successful day, but I will continue to persevere.
Plans to improve: I will snack on a veggie tray after school and I have the next three night's suppers planned - healthy, non allergy, low glycemic meals. And, at least I'm excercising more this week!

Quote from a book on detoxing I recently bought:

"Eating added sugar in various foods and drinks every day is a way fo perpetuating chronic over stimulation of the pituitary and pancreas glands. The thyroid and adrenals also feel the brunt of the affront. The false craving and feeling of well-being sugar induces is on a par with the ecstasy experienced when dope takes command in a victim's
body."

-Dr. Edward Howell, Enzyme Nutrition

Those who have never struggled with addiction truly don't understand. There have been times that I have said its like putting an alcoholic in the bar 12-14 hours a day, telling him he has to have 3 drinks, but no more. No one would bet he'd do very well - yet that is what it is like for so many of us moms who are emotional eaters and are constantly having to deal with food for the family.

Monday Day8of31

2010-03-08T19:19:00.006-07:00

251-253 surprisingly
Started the day dragging and continued to do so.

Had very little patience and today was a day I questioned my 'career' choice.
I had 1 coffee and my bowl of oatmeal
I had a salad, baggie of carrots and 2 mini oranges
Then I had about 5 jelly beans at the end of the day.
I was nervous about going home, and rightfully so.

I had two chocolate 'morsels', 3 Ryvita crackers with EdSmith jam and felt very irritated about all I had to do and too tired and unmotivated to do it.

I did call to make a doctor appointment about the thyroid and hormone cream, and I have my first appointment to deal with the hormonal beard I have - hopefully I don't come home badly burnt!

I went up town to deposit a cheque and pick up some groceries.
I bought a mini Mars bar and salt and vinegar chips while there.
I ate the bar on the way home and had a handful of chips.
I ate 1.5 porkchops BBQd and some broccoli.
I cleaned one bathroom, vacuumed and swept.
Treadmill - 20 minutes, program 1, threw in 2 incline 8's, Floor excercises and stretches.

Now I should go see about fundraising from a couple friends and its already after 8 and I still need to shower.
But I do feel so much better excercising!
I'll drink some water and just pray the sleep I get will be enough for a better mood tomorrow!

Sunday Day7of31

2010-03-07T20:44:00.005-07:00

Don't really want to talk about today ... morning started out alright.
I had intended to make it a day of rest and allowed myself a coffee.
Had my oatmeal with apple, cinnamon and acai berry powder.
But who knows after that.

I have enjoyed laughing at the squeels and excitement as both my daughters have entered the world of novels and the love of reading. One of their teachers gave them the Hunger Games and Catching Fire - and I consequently thought a day of rest would be a good day to read some for myself.
But I shouldn't read books - for I too get lost in the new world and become a character there - and consequently an absentee mother.
And I too now must wait anxiously for the third book to come out in August. ;P

Tomorrow marks a week - a typical weigh in day - well, I was still hovering 251 and 253 this morning; and I caved and ate wheat today; so I can only imagine I won't be all excited tomorrow morning about being closer to my goal this month.
But I must not give way to self pity! My eldest hates to wake to the treadmill and music, but has shown willingness to allow it this evening even though she's in bed.

I will take to the treadmill, 20min. program 1, 3.8, threw in one incline 8.
I will consider it well done that I achieved laundry, meals, dishes, ironing AND a whole book on a day of 'rest',
and regardless of the number tomorrow morning
I will persevere and push on - what was it my calendar says this month - to advance confidently in the direction of (my) dreams, and endeavor to lead a life which (I) have imagined
- to encourage myself I ponder what I know...

What do I know of excercise?
releases serotonin (feel good hormone ;) ),
increases mitochondria - which are fat burning cells in our muscles,
improves circulation,
strengthens heart and lungs,
releases stress,
and gives a sense of well being.

Let's just hope the energy it gives won't keep me up too late!

*Saturday Day6of31

2010-03-06T08:37:00.008-07:00

Mmm, sleep. I awoke, turned the clock and it was about 7:45. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth etc. ;P , stretched, cracked the window open even more so that a good solid breeze was blowing in, and snuggled back under the covers with my sleeping daughter. As I allowed myself to fall in and out of sleep I enjoyed listening to the birds outside my window and watching the room grow brighter with the morning sun. My son came in and gave me a kiss and whispered he was going for his morning bike ride. I love mornings like this.

Somehow the beauty quickly dissipated within my soul. I came downstairs to get on the treadmill, decided to log in my morning so far first, and then opened Facebook (errr-bad decision) ... Dylan came home and came downstairs. He told me of his wonderful morning ride and then commented on the time. Immediately I felt angry that I no longer had time to go on the treadmill - that I had to go upstairs and make breakfast for my diabetic daughter. How selfish is that!? I seem way too, acutely, tuned into how fast time flies and any 'interruption' to slow up my day irritates me. But I have been finding that I am learning to really be conscious of living in the moment, and to consciously try to live intentionally.

He asked for bacon or sausage and my snarpy snaps began. I made bacon and eggs and toast for them. Then I hugged my son and asked him to forgive me. I had a piece of bacon, filled a water bottle and went downstairs.
10 minutes, program 1, 3.6/ stretched/ 10 minutes, program 2, 3.6/ 10 minutes, program 1, 4.0/ 2 minutes, 3.6 - cool down/ Floor excercises and stretches.

Been too long since I had a good work out and it feels great.

253 Showered, went uptown with friend to get things for school, made smoothies for lunch and tried Dragon Fruit :) , then spent afternoon trying different methods of making Easter eggs and painting 'baskets'. Did some more running around.

Scooped some of Tucker's poops, tried to clean up under bird feeder, tidied back yard a bit, and worked on getting front flower bed cleaned up.

Made supper - cooked chicken chunks, mixed with cream of chicken soup, potatoes, 2 veggie trays and a salad (of which I had salad and a tomato), and a glass of Topicana Orange Juice

Kept laundry going throughout the day. After supper swept and washed floor, vacuumed. Got a phone call - went to visit two friends - one to drop off fundraising stuff, one to pick up BIG cardboard boxes for kindergarten (they just got a washer and dryer) - took boxes to school, and then stopped at store for some snacks for kids.

Am trying to get away from artificial sweeteners so I bought Beaver Company pop from BC - actually all natural ingredients like cloves and cinnamon! AND the kids like it. I also bought the better flavored water for Christine and I. They wanted icecream, so I bought mini revels. And then I also bought chips and dark chocolate... splitting headache, longing for bed, but also longing for some 'veg' time with a book or movie.

Ended up having a bowl of chips, a 'morsel' of the chocolate and a flavored water.

I came down to finish today's entry - I am really struggling not to eat more junk. I think I will curl up with the book -harder to eat then.

I'm looking forward to getting on the treadmill again tomorrow.

Friday Day5of31

2010-03-05T18:20:00.004-07:00

Up at 4:45am ... well ok, awake ... out of bed by 5.
Saw girls off - feeling nervous for them.Had 2 coffee and my healthy bowl of oatmeal and supplements

Had lots of coffee at school
a granola bar, banana, canned peaches in water, carrots
The class had their 3500 point party and I was the only staff
I had a couple spoon fulls of the icecream that Mary bought for them...
Chocolate with vanilla and chewy bits of cookie
It was delicious.

Stuck around at school till girls got back and got some planning done.
I felt fear rising on the way home - Friday mentality + fatigue + icecream in my system + habit ....

I had a bowl of corn tortilla chips with salsa
another coffee
4 ryvita crackers with PB and J
a pickle.

Made smoothies for girls for supper
I obviously was not hungry.

Went with a friend to walk her friend's dog

Movie night - made popcorn, a veggie platter and set out a bowl of nuts(in shell). I had a bowl of popcorn that I didn't finish, broccoli, celery and peppers, and 2 walnuts - of which I didn't finish, I think they are old.